It's interesting how just a few instances of surprise rejection early in life can have a big effect on personality. I ended up paranoid, always assuming that no one could really like me and anyone who acted as if he or she did was just pitying me or playing some cruel prank on me that I was too socially inept to see.
It got to the point that when I went to a school dance (I didn't want to but my parents made me) and the prettiest girl in the class asked me to dance with her, I actually got upset. I couldn't believe that she sincerely wanted to. I said yes because it would have been rude to say no, but I was convinced that everybody including her was secretly laughing at me.
I only considered the possibility that she was sincere years later, when I was an adult, but even now my brain is telling me "Nah, loser, she just felt sorry for you."
It felt so weird when I got to college and started working and people were just treating me like a normal person. It took a long time for me to stop defaulting to trying to figure out what kind of trick they were playing on me. I still don't know wtf I did wrong as a child that made everyone decide I was to be ostracized.
I am currently doing my bachelor in padagogical science and I can ensure you that group dynamics and individuals position in those groups very seldom have anything to do with the individual. There are contributing factors in all personalities involved, but it more often comes down to how a group is situated in what context. Often youngh people internalise their roles and continue to act according to them in different groups. So, take it as a scientific fact that you very likey didn't do anything wrong as a child, nor had a personality trade that was the sole contribute to beeing ostracized.
I didn't have nearly the same awful relationship with rejection as you, but I had a similar experience as you did at your dance. I'm pretty introverted and rarely join social circles, for a bit of context.
When I went to college, we had a directory of everyone in the building with a picture and name (200 people, more or less). So naturally, we (roommates) picked out our favorites, yet few of us did anything about it. One roommate asked the girl out that he picked (she was my #2), and they ended up dating, and he convinced my to go to dance with him. I went, and he was late (probably making out or something), and my #1 waved me over from across the room, so I went over and talked. We ended up exchanging numbers, dating, and now she's my wife. Unfortunately, she had already applied to transfer to another school, so we dated long distance for a while before getting married, but it worked out. I still kick myself for waiting so long to ask her out, because we could have spent that time together instead of over video calls.
A bit of confidence can really go a long way, and screw all the kids who reject others in those formative years. When I see my kids do anything similar, I come down on them really hard, because I don't want my kids to be the reason other kids feel rejected.
Ok but there’s a variety of forms of rejection. I had painful rejection experiences when I was young, some were kids being shitty (not ok), some were kids just not getting along with me (sucks but fine), and some were shit like romantic (necessary for personal development of all parties and as a happily married adult I’m grateful, no matter how embarrassed I was at 16). Part of me gaining confidence was me learning to be someone people liked (alongside my peers getting old enough to find me funny). And I’ve seen people who have confidence and no likability, they range from annoying to in need of severe professional help
It's not an entirely faulty line of thinking in that environment. Those bastard kids really did do that kind of thing all the time and they found it hilarious. When all your experiences up until that point made such an unexpected scenario seem unlikely, the chances of it being a cruel prank instead probably really are higher or even higher still someone recognising your plight and trying to be charitable whilst not quite realising that that hurts almost as much.
As you probably guessed I didn't enjoy school a whole lot either. I hope she was sincere though dude. God knows school fucks with your mind.
I agree. I haven't really been able to shake off feeling like an outsider due to a combination of a sheltered upbringing + social delays + social alienation.
It's almost impossible for my brain to think that other people care without some malicious motive.
yep, very similar experience here. Random early rejection totalled me
always assuming that no one could really like me and anyone who acted as if he or she did was just pitying me or playing some cruel prank on me that I was too socially inept to see.
Same, even went to tinder to try to get some validation, but still felt like they were just pitying me and always ended up ghosting my matches and never doing anything besides the initial small talk, it's a hole that's very hard to crawl out of.
Uh, what's your secret to getting matches on Tinder? I can't imagine trying to meet women in order to feel validated. I did online dating before apps, when people had to have written profiles and send messages. I thought I was writing thoughtful messages to women whose profiles made them seem like they might want to hear from me, but I got ignored so much that it was really hard on my self-esteem.
Am I ugly? My grandma says I'm not ugly...
Edit: I just assumed that you're a heterosexual man like me, but maybe you're a woman getting matches from men? That would be very validating, according to what I've heard.
I had a similar experience in middle school. It fucking sucked.
Kid just suck.
Eh, they are a less inhibited form of adults, and a product of their upbringing.
They sense and exploit weakness for personal gain. Plenty of adults do that too. That's where they learn it from.
Yup, and I try very hard to bully my kids whenever they're bullying others so they get a taste of their own medicine, and reward them when they're excellent to others for the same reason.
My kid was a selfish brat for a bit, so I completely removed all of my attention for a bit, and I told them exactly why I was doing it. They stewed for a bit, then eventually apologized and I showered them with tons of attention.
Hopefully my kids don't end up being little terrorists, but if they do, it wasn't for lack of trying to instill some sense of humanity in them.
Terrible people whom I do not wish to share a planet with.
Kids are Reddit. If they sense weakness; the others will pile on.
One shining star will talk about the injustice of it all in the aftermath, and everyone will privately forgive themselves and conveniently forget until the next time it happens.
The solution is to be arrogant. Insist your position in their society and force your presence. If you show you have self worth, others will be forced to grudgingly acknowledge it
Kids are Reddit. If they sense weakness; the others will pile on.
The same happens here. Just try to say anything remotely positive about Twitter/X, Elon Musk, or conservatives in general. I don't even like any of those, but sometimes I call out hypocrisy and get absolutely dumped on (even got a couple death threats). The problem isn't with Reddit, it's with social media in general, it really brings the worst kinds of people together.
People suck. Try to be just a little better than the person next to you and we'll all hopefully get through this.
At camp some guys and girls were playing in a tent, I was not included.
One got out and told me I could join. I tried to and they all laughed at me. Still hurts a bit.
Describes a lot of my childhood to be honest I was a social pariah for some reason. Completly changed when I went to college and made new friends, and now a lot of my happiest memories surround my college years. I even met my wife there!
Being called an ugly pimple head for a whole year will also do it
Man. I used to sing a song to any kid who got a pimple when I was a teenager. “Big pimplin from WV and if you squeeze him too hard he pop all over the place!” With a little spin on the V to make it rhyme with place.
Had every kid in the neighborhood singing it to each other when they’d get pimples.
I hope the pimples left you alone man. If not I hope you came to terms with it.
was it true though
wdym?
I got a more direct case of rejection. 12yo me, at new school, 2nd week of classes, one of the girls that I thought was very pretty was asking others who they fancied. Once she came up to me, I meekly replied "You". I got a very loud and angry "I HATE YOU!" as an answer. Up to this day, more than 20 years later, I have no fucking clue to any possible why, in her mind, I deserved that reply.
You got that reply because you surprised her and her immature 12 y/o brain spat that out as the best response on short notice. It's entirely likely that response had nothing to do with you in particular.
B-B-b-b-BAKA!
But you probably caught her off guard. I wouldn't expect 12 year olds to really know how to express their feelings like that.
I don't think it was a tsundere, given that during the rest of the year she avoided me and I noticed at least two times were our eyes met, she frowned then looked away. We had zero interactions during the rest of the year.
Lol, that reaction probably haunts her, too. "Why was I so mean to that boy for no fucking reason 20 years ago?!"
Would be funny if I could find her on instagram or wherever and ask. Too bad I only remember her first name
It may have been that she was embarrassed because she liked you too.
Ouch. But also,
I once got angry and through a fit at a friend for buying me a surprise gift. I couldn't even tell you why, but I was very upset.
Try not to put too much stock in the bubbling brew that is childhood emotions.
Plot twist: Anon was at a college party where everyone else was 20+, so they didn't want to diddle him
I was at a gathering with some guy friends meeting some girls from a different school. The slightly older brother (let's call him Jay) of one of my friend's had driven us there. We were playing spin the bottle outside the apartment building. I was rejected after the bottle spun by a girl saying she didn't want to kiss me specifically. I got hurt/mad then my impulsive ADHD brain decided to get even. I saw a spigot on the floor, aimed it strait at the girl that rejected me and turned it on. More than the intended target got wet. Jay got really mad and I just ran. Once he caught up to me I thought he was going to beat me up. Instead he just laughed and told me I was going to have to leave and walk home.
LoL.. That has the feel of getting sent to the principal's office for something that they kinda actually agree with (or at least find amusing) but have to deal with by policy.
You did the right thing.
Yeah, the classic ADHD rejection sensitivity.
yeah lmao this doesnt sound like adhd
When I read those, I consider myself lucky. I'm not handsome, normal sized, not athletic at all, not very sociable, closer to poor than rich, yet I never experienced any of those. Always had a few close friends and never have been single for more than 4 consecutive months since my 15th birthday. And I'm almost 40.
Is it a matter of luck? Of countries culture? Of type of schools/univ? Of social groups or generation ? I truly wonder.
Well some are lucky or simply befriend the bully. Whatever works...
You're probably a nice person and a decent hang. Really that's what most people are looking for imho
In this case like this I feel like anon just has shitty friends and needed to find a group he fits in better with. If you're awkward and weird, you've just got to find the awkward and weird kids to be friends with (anime club, theater, ect) there's even awkward and weird girls there!
Looks don't even matter that much in dating (unless you've got porn brainrot). So long as you're not deformed or super obese, someone will be attracted to you, and chances are you'll find them attractive too. Just don't be a creep and have interest outside of video games and modern dating is pretty easy.
since my 15th birthday
Isn't ot a bit too early?
Anon didn’t have the abilities to digest the situation to conclude what needs to be done to prevent this in the future.
Anon hopefully is older and wiser now.
I was anon once…
Break the bottle and start stabbing
Play spin the bottle with their torsos
Shut yourself in and never meet people ever.
That sounds... ominous
4chan is made to make people feel bad about themselves.
That's social media in general. Actually marketing is specifically designed to prey on people's insecurities.
Similar story where a University club got together at someone's apartment to stay the night, lots of previously unacquainted people in the group, after a night on the town.
Chatting, drinking, in a circle. One girl started giving the guys shoulders rubs, but went to bed when she came up to me in the circle.
Kept telling myself I dodged a bullet anyway.
You did she’s pregnant with 5 kids now and an opiate addiction
It never pays to assume, especially not horseshit like that.
We can have a separate discussion about why talking about prostitutes with anything less than respect is not okay.
Green text is always fake, right you guys?
If it's happy and wholesome its sadly probably fake, if its dark and depressing, there's a good chance that is legit.
The greentext blackpill
Had something similar to this happen to me when I was about 9.
In primary school I was invited to a birthday party. We played truth or dare. A Portuguese girl in my class was dared to kiss me. She actually started crying because she really didn't want to go near me.
Not even the worst rejection I had.
Anon should've showered more often
Middle school kids he mighta done nothing wrong at all. Those kids at that age are terrors and will oust people from a friend group for the dumbest reasons imaginable.
Sucks because that person may have done everything right and years later still can't trust people or open up to them.
If there is even just a chance that others wouldn't understand, let alone disapprove you associating with kid X, you can accomplish 2 things by ousting them: 1. You get rid of the potential disapproval (wich is mostly just insecurity) 2. You help an ingroup getting rid of unambiguousness, by drawing/strengthening the border to the outgroup, while with the same move placing yourself on the inside.
I work with kids, and so far I think this is the objective rationality behind most or at least many acts of cruel exclusion.
The only long term, non authoritarian solution is the kids developing a moral compass, that makes violent exclusion more important to them than short term insecurity-management and of course beeing less insecure. (Plus the "weird ones" often have fluffin interesting perspectives)
As we can see in comments like "shower more" even many adults didn't recover from the competitive-acceptance-bs other kids/their parents/ this fucked up society gave them.
Those guys are simps. So much for bros before hoes.
It's bros before hoes, until one of the bros thinks he has a chance.
It'd take too long to list it all, but it started way earlier than that.
should've stolen the damn bottle infront of them.
(do people really get upset about this? Im asexual and cannot tell. Sometimes this kind of thing seems fake like why would you waste energy on this? But at the same time i am aromantic and asexual so i dont know. Im probably just weird or something and a "freak of nature" as some might say.)
Remove the romance element from it.
If the bottle spins, someone has to spend time in your company doing something you enjoy. You and your friends all agree. The bottle lands on you, and suddenly whatever it was you enjoy is not just "unenjoyable" but is actively repulsive to the other people. Ironically, I'd expect people to be repulsed by having to do half my hobbies, so this isn't a perfect reframing.
Apologies if I'm not being sensitive to your thought patterns. But there must be a way of reframing this that you can see why someone would be upset that their "friends" find them actively repulsive to even be around.
I think you've got a good approach. I'm not fully allosexual myself, but it seems to me the most painful part of this would be the loss of esteem. To be excluded from anything so blatantly...
People want to be liked. It means social safety, inclusion in a group. Sexuality is just one of its expressions.
(i really still dont get it. I dont see whats repulsive about it. But it is interesting. Like i guess its just weird to me. Like if you know there is a possibility of it landing on the one everyone is repulsed by, why play? Like mathematically youre better off playing when that person isnt around? Or is that just not really a concern until it eventually does happen?)
Would you be upset if you found out people considered you ugly?
Disgusting is more accurate.
(im already considered ugly. I am not upset by this. But i kind of see your point. I think many years ago it used to upset me when i was really young)
Yeah, people can get upset about this kind of thing.
14 yr olds triply so.
(yeah i had to think really far back but i feel like i got upset about things like this a lot when i was young. I just dont really fully remember it?)
do people really get upset about this?
Yes. I'll dive in, assuming that the greentext is real; the scenario is plausible enough.
Romantic rejection is painful, as it's based on an instinct to achieve a strong mutual bond with someone else. This may or may not be conflated with a drive to reproduce, depending on the level of sexual attraction involved. The sensation of loss here, can manifest in actual physical pain in one's head and/or viscera, and is proportional to the level of "drive". This also gets coupled with a sensation of loss as the reward for achieving that mutuality is a moment that is usually followed by intense pleasure (even without sex); suddenly realizing that reward isn't coming, hurts.
The second part, where the group continues without Anon, is similar but a different phenomenon. It's rejection from the entire social group. Our instincts to be social creatures causes us to feel this as a loss (painful), because we're safer and stronger in groups. Instinctively, the sensation will subside once Anon figures out how be confident with being alone, or (more likely) finds a more compatible social group.
Attempting to introspect the above sensations without support can also go to bad places. Anon mentions his self-esteem - they are blaming themself since that's a position of "control", but ignoring the reality that this was all impossible to predict or avoid. In reality, the other partygoers are a bunch of insensitive assholes and carry 100% of the blame here. This person really needs to be around people with more empathy.
Combined, Anon is in a world of physical and psychological pain. They were denied a potential romantic and/or sexual reward, and were rejected by the entire social group. Both forms of rejection provoke instinct and our reward centers in ways that just make a person miserable.
you are also a psychopath.
(Thats nice.)
Its not that serious
It is literally soul-crushing
It's not real
Yeah cuz nobody (men+women) really like men, Men are truly the abused class Your typical man on the street is a woman-worshipper<br> Like If I link peer-reviewed articles on this stuff, you'd call me an incel & a misogynist & not even provide counter-arguments/evidence <br> You need to look yourself in the mirror & say that I'm a human male with self-respect If they don't want to play, Fine, find better friends
Hell I'm offering you all a hand in friendship
EDIT: Truth hurts huh😂
Bruh I don't think I want anybody to play spin the bottle with you
Why would you assume I even want to even talk to you ?
I'm sorry that you don't get hugs from friends and family alike I hope you find a good surgeon to give you a face lift
Oh so that's what a guy projecting his insecurity onto others looks like
I mean, it sucks that you pinned your hopes on your crush having to follow a social pressure to kiss/fondle/fuck/whatever the "forfeit" for spin the bottle was in the first place.
It sucks that you had to go through that, but at what point does that declination of your advances suck less?
I mean, society has unfortunately favoured shitty games like "pull the bull" and "poke the bear" over any sort of genuine attraction which has usually disadvantaged women anyway - that's not to turn it into a gender thing, but maybe the idea of sparking a relationship from a forced interaction sucks from the outset.
Anon didn't make up the rules, and I wouldn't wager that he was the one who decided to start that game. Everyone chose to play knowing they wouldn't be comfortable getting anon. It doesn't seem to me like anon made any advance at all. Rejecting someone's advances for whatever reason is not morally incorrect, nor is denying them physical displays of affection. But going up to someone unprompted and telling them you find them unattractive and wouldn't feel comfortable touching them is. This seem like an intermediate situation where they willingly and knowingly created a situation where they would have to do the latter. Refusing to kiss or touch anon wasn't the fault here, initiating the game was.
Anon self pities instead of self reflecting and fails to grow because of it
I don't think that we have enough information to draw that conclusion. It is a legit horrible experience though. I can't imagine what it would be like.
I can. Been there. Couple times. My foster brother and I used to hang out with a bunch of other kids from ages 8-14, and whenever someone had a bright idea for a game like that, completely unprompted would come "but I'm not kissing Dharmacurious." Shut fucking hurt. I never asked to play those games, never tried to join in. Would try my best to excuse myself before someone suggested a game like that. I didn't have my first kiss until years and years and years after I lost my virginity, because I only ever did hookups with random strangers online, because I never felt like I was even capable of being desired in anyway other than a quick lay. Being ugly sucks. It truly, honestly does. I shower religiously, I brush my teeth (which, somehow, I still managed to get fucked in that department). Still, I send a picture online, blocked. I'm not an Incel or anything, I don't think I'm owed a damn thing, it's just the reality of the situation. I'm a fun, interesting person, with a good sense of humor, thick skin, intelligent, caring, loyal to a fault, and all the other things my shrink has helped me realize. But no one gets to know that, because there has to be some physical attraction for someone to want to get to that point. Can't fault em for that. But being a bridge troll is lonely, and it sucks. And up thread someone suggested they should shower. That's a fucked up thing to say, you don't know their life. And I know green text=fiction, but this one rings fucking true for some of us.
I can't say I've had the exact same experience, but I did get picked on by a bunch of "friends" at a birthday party. Tried to play truth or dare and I was a really honest, open kid (mostly), so when it was my turn I said, "truth" and someone asked me if I'd ever kissed a girl, and I said, "no". They decided that I had to be lying so they asked me a different question, "have I ever had a crush on a girl" to which I also said, "no". They didn't believe that either, and one of them jokingly asked, "have you (me being AMAB) ever kissed a boy?" That was coming from a kid in a really conservative Christian family, and it caught me off-guard. The truth was that no, I had never kissed a boy either, but the question made me hesitate. They lept on that.
