"How do I make the no-no thing be a yes-yes thing?!"
"How do I make the no-no thing be a yes-yes thing?!"
Our DnD discord group has a whole ass 'out of context' channel. Best decision we've ever made, granted half of them is my character, the party clown. Here are some other bangers over the years:
- "She knows how to ride a clippity clop."
- "Ah so you want it so when you die there's a magical turfwar over your body."
- "the horse is a horse....i dont think he understands the concepts"
- "It's not Delivery, it's Human Trafficking!"
- "Don't tell my dad I died for toenails"
- "It's pulsating. It shouldn't be because it's a fucking rock."
- "Jesus Christ! I mean... Bahamut Jr!"
- "There was a scary forest!" "SCARY FOREST IS NOT AN ANSWER"
- "That's Renn! He's like a dead squirrel."
- "Who wants to do coke with the illithid?"
- "I agree, other voice in my head."
- "When a corpse bee and another corpse bee love each other and don't dance..."
- "I emotionally abuse you and you bring me waffles. Thanks babe."
- "Does your house have a garden?" "Probably."
- "Should I go... unwhisk it?"
- "I heard it from the Oracle Beyoncé."
- "HOW DO YOU LISTEN TO AN EAR?!"
- "I'm sorry Renn, I love you, but fuck the rich."
- "I forgot that we have one brain cell in the party and it currently blinked away."
- "We can have one little terrorism. As a treat."
- "Hey, it's not our fault this Earth Elemental is made of door."
- "Roll a d20." "10." "...fuck." "Does that fuck up your plans or mine? (Panicking)" "Yours." "...fuck!"
- "If you would be inclined for a little adventure today, would you mind following me? Oh and it's mandatory because I've already made arrangements."
- "Can we just like acknowledge that she just did the anime "Oh ho ho ho!" laugh when you called her out on that?"
- "You ripping peoples faces off, that's entirely on you. Get some help."
- "I'm-uh-w-Lady.... I'm not above hitting a woman."
- "I have cocaine, does that count?"
- You ate a goodberry so you should be full for the rest of the day" "True" "Well you can be full and a fatass" "Just shut up and play your silly little game with your silly little characters and don't come for me like that"
- "Does a 26 hit?" "... fuck you.".
- "Why doesn't Misty have a mustache?"
- "No matter who you play you gotta either fuck with his body or his heart!"
- "The undead not dead thing is right" "Please call me Renn" "I'll never remember that" "It's literally shorter"
- "Why must I be surrounded by lesbians? ... I fear your kind." (For the record this was said by both a gay character and player)
- "Can I pick up Renn? He's a twink, right?"
- "You're a second rate duelist with a third rate meal"
- "Just gives me the confidence that she would choke me"
Okay sorry I ended up pasting way more in than I expected.... I just love this group and don't get to share these with anyone. Just such ridiculous nonsense.
Edit: Also I just remembered. I actually do have the context for that 'no no thing' line. That one is mine from my 7'2 barbarian aarakocra jokey boy. We recorded parts of sessions and caught the no no thing bit. Here if you wanna listen to it. although I don't blame you the slightest if you don't.
I've also got a stupidly long soundcloud clip of highlights from a game a couple months ago here. It includes a bunch of the quotes pasted above.
Check out [email protected] for more!
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"if I die, I die holding vampire smut"
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"I guess he's going to fist fight the helicopter"
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"But I don't have a cloaca."
Context, if you want it:
spoiler
I was playing a frost giant fighter, and I found a dragon egg. I asked the town vet (who the DM made up on the spot) how I could hatch the egg and raise the dragon as my own. The vet told me that dragons cannot be tamed, and that dragons bond with their mothers in the womb, and then, the egg must be laid. My line, "But I don't have a cloaca", and the vet shrugs. Queue Always Sunny theme music, "The Gang Kidnaps a Druid". In the end, I gave birth to my dragon buddy, and I named him Pellinore, and we had many great adventures until I found a bell that reversed aging, and Pellinore turned back into an egg, and the campaign ended before he hatched, again. I'm GMing the new campaign that is all homebrew, and Pellinore is making a comeback, though.
From Shadowrun but still...
"Its not terrorism, its a distract spell thats materials involve C4 and a bridge"
I'm a simple man. I see Shadowrun. I upvote.
I guess this isn't NO context but:
Innkeeper married to a nixie: “The Fey never do anything without a price...”
“... How much did you pay for your wife?”
"How is this bow cursed? We built it ourselves... with sinew from a drow... that we tortured to death. Yeah, okay. It's cursed."
My Drow Ranger is seething rn
From Divinity Original Sin 2 co-op. Not my campaign, but I was wheezing for five minutes from this:
"So are we the bad guys?"
"I don't know, but I'm about to kill her with her own dad."- "I think that Ashenthroat guy might be a Dragon in disguise"
- "Kill it!!! But don't hurt it, awwww."
- "Don't worry GM, I wont make you improvise info on every single soldier NPC. - Ok, so you there, what's your name and why are you here?"
- "If we take every hostile NPC we come across prisoner to await a 100% death-sentence, instead of killing them here and now, we'll have to start building concentration camps soon and I don't know if that's actually better or worse."
- "Maybe don't kill the beast?" - "Too late, running now!"
- "Gentlemen, can't we solve this peacefully?" - "Yes, of course, we're always ready to talk. But only if it ends with you dead." - "You seemed to have missed the point there."
"Is this because we didn't have sex yet?"
Okay. Do tell?
Long term 5e game, was in it's 4th year. Wife was playing a lvl 15 cleric that had taken a vow of celibacy but fell in love with an npc. They had been courting for about a year in game and she was about ready to break her vow, changing her alignment, and multi classing her character. But a cataclysmic event occurred causing the complete destruction of the capital city, killing thousands. As meteors of fire rained down on them, they ran through the city towards the air ship docs. As the npc rounded a corner, I had her roll to see if he misses getting hit by a ball of fire. She rolled just well enough that he misses dying, but is at 1 hp (I gave him 10). Bleeding from a massive head wound, she takes the half speed penalty to help him the last 200 ft to the air ship. Forgetting she had a mace that let her cast a teleport spell up to 1,000 ft to any place she was familiar with.
I make her roll every 30 ft to avoid another strike. She passes most as I set the DC only at 12. But about 170 or so ft with one roll left she nat 1s. She then looks up at the sky and screams "IS THIS BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX YET?" I asked her if she is asking her god, and she thinks for a second before saying "Fuck it, YES!" So I tell her, as the words leave your lips, a sudden burst of energy and inspiration strikes you, and you remember you have magic that could get you to the ship. Her eyes go wide, and she yells "SON OF A BITCH! I cast teleport from the mace to bridge of the ship." She and her Partner instant teleport.
After everyone else gets aboard, the airship begins to lift off. I make the party roll one last avoidance roll so the ship doesn't get hit. 2 nat 20's and the rest in the mid to upper teens. So the ship flees the city as it burns and crumbles into flame, ash and rubble behind them. Danger averted, and with questions of what exactly happened. She grabs her lover's hand and storms off to her room yelling to the party. "Don't disturb us for at least and hour." The table erupted in laughter and cheers and I describe them marching below deck followed by the slamming of a door. She broke her vow, leveled up and multi classed her cleric into a rouge.
"I cast longsword!"
"Does the paladin's piss count as holy water?"
"You described the mech as being similar to a Gundam. So it's a mobile suit? Does that mean I'm technically wearing it on my person?"
"Watch out for the ass-grabbing ghosts!"
"I struggle like a dog being given a pill."
"No, don't activate your telepathy! I don't want your mind-herpes!"
"Wait, why is a duck that lays eggs named Mr. Quackers?" "Mr. Quackers can be whatever he wants!"
"I cast Prestidigitation and pee his pants."
"Hey Nyarlathotep, wanna see something funny?"
That last one... oof risky
Well, that was after he decided to start living in my head, so I figured I might as well try to keep him entertained.
"If he seduces something from the mineral kingdom now, he's collected the whole set."
"Is it okay if I have an anger problem?"
"I shout at the door."
"I lift the spyglass so my rat can see."
"Does the rat look through the spyglass?"
"It's hard to tell."
"I aim the paper airplane at the crowd."
"IS CHILD ABUSE WRONG? LIKE ME CHECK MY CHAIM.
...
NO."
"Is there a cat nearby?"
"Like, a normal cat?"
"Yeah."
"It's a mansion, I don't see why not. Yeah, let's say there's a cat."
"Is anyone looking?"
[DM, suddenly filled with concern] "... no...?"
"I will teach these halfling savages the meaning of private property!"
I can hear the worried concern in that DM "...no...?"
He was appalled by my decision to punt the cat, and the 17 I rolled before he could object, but in my defense, I was playing a ratman.
- "Does my gaydar tell me anything about how to get back to civilisation?"
- "Listen up, Poundland-Sundowner"
- "So wait, I blew up the mayor's house and my punishment is I'm made into a college professor?"
- "Now back to mare's milk"
"I could feed him my candy cane to revive him"
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Can the bread make a will save?
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No, you're still prone. You used Dimension Slide, not Dimension Rotate.
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Will a Limited Wish spell prevent you from being brain damaged?
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“Shut the door, things are gonna get weird”
My character hasn't noticed the living bushes and decides to take his morning shit behind them
DM: not sure if I should count this as an attack
I’m a mod over at [email protected] and would love to see some activity! I started it to keep track of some of my own group’s quotes, but the group has been on a two week break for the past four or five months now.
I'm at work at the moment but I'll stop by with a compilation after work! Our group has a bunch and some audio clips that id love to share with people!
Glad to hear it!
What kind of man buys another man juice?!
"Come on, I know you have a soul for some fucking reason! Fess up! Who's your daddy?"
Warlocks, innit?
Talking to my Steel Defender. But yes, I am a warlock. And I was wrong, he didn't have a soul, he had TWO souls. Inside this wolf there are two wolves. One wolf wants to be a good boy for his master, and the other wants to be a good boy for his maker's Patron. And they hate each other.
- "there are no werewolves in the god damn park"
- "Fuck you I'm going to the Prince for this"..."ow hey why are you hitting me!?"
- "This has been a weirdly sexual night"
- "The sword of Cain has fallen and it fell where it pleased!"
- "If you do that you're gonna have to drop your alignment to chaotic evil"
- "Turns out i can afford a rocket launcher"
"In my experience, magic doesn't like metal. It needs to be flesh."
"Well, you see, the dragon killed thousands, indirectly through their cold buns"
Me: So my hands are bound?
DM: Yes.
Me: And I'm under the influence of a "Command"-like spell?
DM: Yes.
Me: And the command is to follow them to the prison?
DM: Yes.
Me: I'd like to try and fall on my face, beard first.
I'm sorry you were born pretty!
This isn't strictly no context, but it blew me away and I wanted to share it anyway.
I started D&D with the family over quarantine. They had a quest to clear the goblins out of a mine. They got inside and dealt with most of them. They over powered three of them and tied them up, so that they could be interrogated.
My 9 year old then decides he wants to murder them.
Our faces when we realised our child was a murderhobo.
"The troll bouncer is gay. Your attempt to seduce him fails and he puts you in a headlock."
"It's just a rocket launcher inside a small room. How bad can the results be?"
"why are you so blessedly free of snot?"
We used to keep a quote book of these random acts of hilarity... Good times.
"You are now using a piece of shit like a bar of soap while humming a tune." "Dave swings his hammer at you, misses, and hits himself in the face, dying instantly."
"it's not a nuke, is just a AOE building remover"
"we need a bigger nuke"
@nothacking @Stamets @rpgmemes
Thats just dnd in general right there
In a oneshot of Monster Of The Week:
"Did The OrganisationTM supply us with a flamethrower?"
What kind of two-bit good-for-nothing organization wouldn’t supply you with a flamethrower?
Ours.
Turns out the only fire damage we had in our stash was an enchanted dagger.
In retrospect, I should have asked for incendiary ammunition. Among the five of us, we had at least three with guns. Or taken a bit of gas for our car to turn into Molotov cocktails. Ah well, it was a oneshot that happened more than a year ago.
Roll 9
DM: Ok you have a 9", ribbed pink Zeltronian cock
was the DM about to give you a 1-20" cock with equal weight
“Yes, I know the door is locked. I open it anyway.”
If all four of us work together we could drag the door.
Funny you should mention dragging a door, some friends and I managed to manifest a magical cart under some huge adamantine doors so we could cart them away. It was lovely.
“Would a handjob be a dexterity roll?”
His hammer, not more than one standard deviation from average...
Man, we ended up setting up a wiki for all the ones from my last campaign... it's down at the moment, but here are a few I have saved on my phone:
"My companions and I are professional adventurers"
"Some of us more professional than others..."
"For no sexy reason, what does the pope look like?"
"Also, I'm not doing terrible! But I definitely just got stabbed."
Bard: "No, this is wholesome [Bard] moment! Anyway, how much money do you have?"
Sorcerer: "[Ranger], we are about to do some wacky-ass magic"
Ranger: "In that case, I would like to watch it from over there."
Sorcerer: "I will not be doing it. I will be joining you."
GM: "Divine and wild magic start pouring into and it's like... Have you ever licked a battery?"
GM: "Divine, chaos, and dragon magic flows through you—"
Bard: "And bardic from the inspiration!"
Ranger: "Oh I can add some ranger nature!"
Sorcerer: "And I have one that can help! I cast minor illusion to make a "do not disturb" sign."
"If I take one more step, it'll be the furthest I've ever been from home..."
"You didn't even have to step."
"If I take one more interdimensional vortex..."
"Your left or my left? You're an orb."
"I am."
"Float like a flowerpot, sting like a school bus."
I have several, but my favorite is probably "I am this group's current resident expert on whatever the hell that thing is!"
"i thought this plan was foolproof, but i genuinely forgot about doors"
In a Palpatine voice: "Spicy beef"
"Have you ever thought 'I'm kinda hungry, but not hungry enough to eat a whole potato'?"
"I don't like the wanking corner""Have you ever thought 'I'm kinda hungry, but not hungry enough to eat a whole potato'?"
That's blasphemy at our table.
Context
He was inventing crisps, and that was his sales pitch.
"No, I'm annoyed. But the guy eating my arm? He's pissed. Meet the Flaming Asshole of Azzazoth."
"I'm going to walk back to the lake to have an existential crisis. Oh and on the way I cast Polymorph and turn our Ranger into a spider."
I never said that ring was for your finger
"Give me a hit from the corpse bong."
This is excellent. Bahamut junior got me.
I take the boner pills.
Fuck you, Kim. Respectfully.
"DM, are we on drugs?"
It's the French you made along the way.
Wanting to fuck your sister isn't a good enough excise to do a genocide.
Do you think it has a cloaca or the normal two holes... Wait what do lizards have? .... Discussion before attacking a green dragon.
“Ok you did an excellent and flawless swing
Unfortunately the enemy is 100 feet away so you missed”
“Oh”
“Also they attack aaaand…. You’re dead”
“Oh”
Because i am incapable of giving no context
Tap for spoiler
It was my first time playing DnD and the DM wasn’t the nicest person so I didn’t get a good first impression of the game but I should really get into it at some point
You're exactly correct. That guy was either autism levels of social unawareness and being an asshole, or isn't and is a major asshole and not your friend. That's not what you do to players showing a new interest in D&D. Sorry you experienced that. I hope you give it another try soon!
Oh he was socially aware he was just not nice to say the least
I’ve been meaning to play dnd cus chaos funny moments but I just haven’t
My gf is trying to get me to play Baldurs Gate and is making a Vampire Masquerade campaign but idk when that’s happening so maybe that’ll be gateway lol
We play over, whatever video conference program Google uses, it has auto transcription as a "service" (fuck you Google, but thanks for the ability to connect with friends I guess? Mind your own game business though please?)
When we take breaks sometime we read the logs and try to figure out what was actually said from the "transcript" it's delightful in its incompetence, we sometimes find ourselves reading the chat logs more than rolling the dice.
Player character is presented with his twin brother‘s corpse on a platter.
„Hmmm… needs more oregano.“
Paging @[email protected] for more from that campaign because I‘m tired and can’t think of any but there was a lot.
- "You can't pass through here. We're waiting for the inquisition." - "We are the inquisition." sets fire to the stakes and immediately moves on (No, they weren't the inquisition.)
- "What is this summoning circle supposed to be? It's all smudged! Did you tip over that candle and just put it up again without fixing the circle? Did you reuse this circle? Is that a lump of unsecured unmetal over there on the table? Have you idiots ever heard anything of elementary workplace safety?!" (Said after a demon summoning by the demon the PCs summoned. For reference, unmetal has the bad habit of going nuclear if exposed to too much magic.)
- "You haven't lived until you've done a jumping puzzle in a non-Euclidean space."
- "What is your opinion on trees?" - "Trees... are."
- "Talk to the hand." (A demonologist trying to banish one of the most powerful entities in the setting with a low-end banishment spell and a pentagram scrawled into his palm.)
That's all I can think of right now because also tired. But yeah, that campaign was wild.
Oi kid, wanna have some candy?
“Birdie, I need a pipe bomb”
NPC: “It’s my job” Player: “everybody check your asses for bugs!”
“Why TF does it have thoughts, it’s not Rattatootoot”
(In the thickest Russian accent): “Still your fault, fuck you!”
“Fuck it, all the gnomes are French now, hon hon hon motherfucker”
P1: ”He checked my dick, my dick was fine” P2: ‘He sucked it dry it was so sublime’
”Can I store things in the dog?”
NPC: “Where are you going to get a baby dragon?” Player: “We’re going to make one”
Me, the DM: You return from behind the tent, nude. Elyse the Erinyes returns from behind the tent wearing your clothing. The ogre returns from behind the tent wearing her clothing.
"All right, it seems that Bob cannot speak, so instead we're going to talk to the next best thing: The chair"
Context: Bob was a guy that was imprisoned on a chair of living wood at a living wood teatable. When he tried to speak, flowers came out of his mouth instead. This sentence was uttered by our bard when he asked the druid to cast Speak with Plants on the living chair.
"The monk is dodging a rave!?"
"I am the ring of ram, now strap me to the ballista"
"The paladin doesn't know, put it on his tab"
"How many rats can I keep on me?"
We’re all in a B-26 waiting to perform a HALO jump
GM: The “go-no-go” light is red Player #1: I jump… Player #2: aren’t we supposed to wait for the green light?
I'm running out of the house screaming like a banshee that just discovered cocaine.
The first line in one of my campaigns from a player:
"It seems you have been given the test of race, and you have failed"
