So they can hide in cherry trees.

Alright, why don't you ever see elephants hiding in cherry trees?

Because they're very good at it.

That's an offer that's hard to turn down, or at least to look into a little. And the sign is right by the house with the dog sat on the porch, so it's easy enough to check out.

"So, you can talk, huh?"

"Yep" says the dog.

The man is surprised and impressed. "How did you learn to talk?"

"Oh, I was part of a government program run by the CIA to create a new genus of super dog, genius level intellect and top quality skills. I was the only one of the litter who could talk, so they fast tracked me up to being an agent. They taught me how to use a gun with my mouth, how to drive with my paws, how to diffuse a bomb with my tail, and even how to parachute into hostile territory. Apparently, thanks to the genius genes, I learned even faster than the human agents, and I was sent to Russia as a spy within a month.

"I had an amazing time chatting up the local pooches, begging diplomats for treats, and feeding top secret info back to the states. My work even helped delay the war on Ukraine by 2 years, but I blew my cover when I called Putin a jerk straight to his face. He sent his top guys after me, and I had to flee through the city. Jumped onto a train through Serbia and swam across the Bering Strait into Alaska.

"Unfortunately, Putin sent an assassin after me as I was moving through Canada, and he caught my dominant paw. I had to take the guy out with one of my ears, but I managed to survive, and my wounds healed really well. Now I'm retired, so I decided to keep this town safe."

"Holy crap" says the man, transfixed. When the dog's owner comes out, he looks up at the guy and asks "Why the heck are you selling him for only $5?"

"Cause he's a frickin liar! He's never spent a day outside of Utah!"

They couldn't see that well.

The genie appears before him and declares "I am a powerful genie! Due to budget cuts, I will only be granting one wish, but you can wish for anything you desire and I shall make it come true!"

The farmer wastes no time. "My neighbour, Peter, was once as poor as me. One day, he received a cow as a gift, and he began to sell the milk. Suddenly, he is earning twice as much. He could afford to fix the roof, he bought new clothes, and he even took a day off to have wild sex with his wife. That cow made his life so much better than it was before."

The genie nods. "I see. So, your wish is..."

"Kill his cow."

He couldn't see that well.

Real person, fictional character, or even just hypothetical: I wanna hear it!

There are only two survivors, both of whom are Christian men. They start walking, hoping to find civilisation and a source of food and water. Each sand dune is hell, but they push themselves forward to climb over it. Days pass and their thirst aches their throats, but they keep walking. Finally, their journey pays off, and a village comes into view.

One of the men turns to the other and says "look, we're in a muslim country, and it's a desperate situation. I say we pretend to be muslim. They'll take better care of us for it."

The other man looks aghast. "What? No! I'm a Christian and proud! I have nothing to be afraid of."

As dawn breaks and their legs are about to drop, the men reach the village. A man spots the pair and approaches them, wearing a robe, an imama, and sporting a lengthy beard. "Who are you?"

"I'm Muhammed" says the first man, his real name Peter.

"I'm John" says the second man.

The muslim man takes John by the shoulder, pulling him into the village. "It must have been a long walk, you must be tired. Please, we have plenty of food and water, and there should be a bed for you somewhere."

Then he turns to Peter and opens his arms wide, a warm smile on his face. "Salaam, Muhammed! Happy Ramadan!"

An investment banker is looking to hire a new secretary, and has narrowed down his options to three women. While most people in his position would want her to sit and look pretty, he wanted someone dependable. He wanted someone who could offer him good advice when he needed it, and might even reach a position like him in the future.

To this end, he offered each woman a test. He gave each one £10,000 and told them to invest it. After a month, they would return the money to him, and this would serve as an interview.

The first woman invested in hot new stocks, hoping one of them would pay off. Sadly, it proved to be too much of a risk. By the end of the month, she was only able to pay him back £2,000, having lost £8,000.

The second woman invested in stable businesses with gradual growth, getting a steady return per day. By the end of the month, she gave the banker £1000 more than she had been given to begin with.

The third woman invested and pulled her money like a machine, shorting companies and spreading rumours to boost her profits. While she had in excess of £17,000 by the end of the month, she only returned £10,000 to the banker, arguing that everything else was not part of the deal.

Once the test concluded, the banker instantly made up his mind, and hired the woman with the biggest chest.

And there's five people in my family.

And I know I'm not Chinese.

So it's either my mum, or my dad, or my younger brother Charlie, or my older brother Huang.

Personally, I think it's Charlie.

Nothing, she just kinda choked a bit

At the front desk, the three are informed that there is only one room left, and the room only has one bed. The guys are comfortable enough with each other that they decide to just share the bed between them.

The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says to his friends "guys? This is kind of awkward, but I had a sex dream last night. A super hot girl was giving me a handjob on the slopes."

The guy on the right side of the bed then yells "No way! I had a dream that I was getting a handie in the hot tub!"

The guy in the middle just pouts. "It's no fair. You both got super fun, kinky dreams, and I just dreamt I was skiing."

Silly or serious, big or small, I wanna see them!

Grass.

Okay, I added the bit about the wheels to make it sound cooler.

A man goes to a stable and asks to buy the fastest horse they have available. The stable manager nods his head and brings him a fine and impressive stallion.

When the man asks how much the horse costs, he is staggered by the answer. "That's... That's half the price of almost any other horse here! Why is it so cheap?"

"Well, you see, the horse is blind" responds the stable manager. "But he's the fastest horse I've ever witnessed, no doubt about that. You just need to give him good directions. And don't bother hitting him, either. Just say Jesus if you want him to go, and Satan if you want him to stop. Go for Jesus, stop for Satan." In retrospect, there was a lot of Christian iconography around the stable the man hadn't noticed.

The man then asks for a test ride, and the stable manager agrees, as he has the man's credit card on hand. The man then says "Jesus", and the horse immediately bolts at speeds the man is genuinely amazed by. The world roars past him and the wind billows in his ears, all as this horse keeps running at full speed. The horse doesn't turn, only moving in a straight line dead ahead.

Suddenly, the man notices a cliff not too far away, but dead in the path of the horse. He reaches for the reins, but they billow in the wind and beat at his hands. He grabs them and tries to pull back, but the horse resists. The cliff keeps coming closer and closer, until the man finally remembers his instructions and yells "SATAN" at the top of his lungs. The horse stops alarmingly fast, knocking the man forward at the very edge of the cliff. The man then looks down, seeing just how high the cliff is, leading straight into a rocky valley.

He leans back in relief, having just avoided this terrible fate. With a hand on his heart, he can only murmur a tired "oh sweet jesus..."

This is purely hypothetical, just for fun. In this scenario, you don't get to know who the GM is in advance, but they do have to run it as written. The players can leave whenever they like, but the GM has to stay until either all players leave or the players beat the dungeon.

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and one to hold the penis mother ladder.

https://www.awkwardzombie.com/comic/in-good-hands

A train was travelling through Europe, and four passengers were riding in the same carriage. There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, an old woman and a young woman.

The train eventually passed into a tunnel, and the lights on the train failed to turn on. In the darkness, a loud slap was suddenly heard. When the train emerged in the sunlight, the Frenchman was holding his sore cheek.

The old woman thought "That Frenchman must have copped a feel of the young woman in the dark, and he got what's coming to him."

The young woman thought "That Frenchman must have groped the old woman thinking it was me, and he got what's coming to him."

The Frenchman thought "That Englishman must have groped the young woman in the dark and she thought it was me! Unfair..."

The Englishman thought "I hope another tunnel comes along so I can slap that frenchie again."

I hope

The bartender asked him "Oi, mate. What's with the giant orange head?" While the remark was quite rude, the sheer size and distinct colour of the head had distracted the bartender from his manners.

The man with a giant orange head simply sighed. He was annoyed, but had come to terms with people reacting like this. "The short version: I was cocky. I thought I could do anything for a while, and I wear the price of my hubris on my neck. If you pour me a whiskey, I'll tell you the long version."

The bartender nodded, and began to pour a glass for the man with the giant orange head.

"I was travelling along the beach, enjoying a stroll in the sun with the ocean beside me, when I stumbled upon an oil lamp. I've seen Aladdin, so I had suspicions about what this was. Sure enough, as soon as I brushed off the sand, a djinn emerged from the lamp and offered me three-"

"A djinn?" asked the bartender, interrupting.

"Yeah, he was very strict about the name. It's basically a genie, but-"

"No, I get that bit" said the bartender, continuing to interrupt. "I just don't really believe you found a genie lamp on the beach, is all."

"My friend, look at my giant orange head" said the man with the, as described, giant orange head. "Did you think this was just genetics?"

The bartender pursed his lips, admitting defeat in silence. "Right. Sorry. My mistake. Carry on."

The man with the giant orange head waited for a moment before continuing his story. "So, I had three wishes, and I knew from the start what I wanted my first wish to be. It's a bit cliché, but I wished that I could pull out any amount of money from my pocket in exact change."

"Oh yeah?" asked the bartender, now interrupting at a more polite moment. "Mind if I test that? Your whiskey costs £3.10."

The man with the giant orange head reached into his pocket and pulled out exactly three pounds and 10 pence.

The bartender was stunned for a moment before deciding to test his powers. "Four hundred and eighty nine, uh, yen."

As before, the man with the giant orange head pulled out exactly four hundred and eighty yen, having not touched the foreign currency until now.

"Three billion pounds" said the bartender.

Once more, the man reached into his pocket and pulled out exactly three billion pounds. As soon as it was placed onto the bar, the bartender snatched it up and ran from the bar to his retirement.

Fortunately, the bartender was not the only person working that night, and another bartender approached the man with the giant orange head to ask his story. If he didn't, the joke wouldn't work.

"So, what was your second wish?" asked the second bartender, who was now the only bartender.

"I'm a weak man" admitted the man with the giant orange head, giving a large orange smile. "I wished that I could make any person I'm attracted to insanely attracted to me."

"Are you sure?" said the bartender, a little upset they did not find the man with the giant orange head attractive. "Not to be mean, but does that work when you have a giant orange head?"

The man with the giant orange head silently turned to look down the bar, spotting an incredibly attractive woman. You are likely imagining someone attractive as I write this, but your imagination is insufficient in this instance. Even the diverse and subjective opinions of billions of people tend to agree that the woman is appealing.

"Hey" called the man with the giant orange head, giving a small nod to the woman. She looked in his direction and immediately began to squirm wordlessly in her seat. She quickly excused herself to the toilet, and I will grant her privacy by not discussing her actions further.

"Alright, I'm convinced" said the bartender, blushing a little. "So, what was your third wish?"

The man with the giant orange head took a sip of his whiskey, morosely staring into the glass. "Yeah, that's where I messed up. I was riding high on the success of the first two, and I didn't really think through the implications of what I wished for next. I wished I had a giant orange head."