can anyone tell me wtf this is?

I think that's the bug they put in Neo in the first Matrix film

Stomach bug
- There's one going around, I hear.

Everyone is saying they're harmless, but we read house centipedes cam leave painful bites. I've never been bitten, that I know of, but when plagued with centipedes, I'd sometimes wake up with one of two types of mysterious bug bites: itchy, and painful. I know from prior experience that most North American spider bites are only ever itchy, so I always put the painful ones down to house centipedes. I can't prove it, though. Here are the facts I do know about house centipedes, from empiricle evidence:

They like damp. You'll find them in damp spots, drains, around toilets, around damp areas in basements, etc. Not exclusively, but predominantly.
They wage a secret war with spiders. Sometimes the spider wins, but usually the centipede does unless it gets trapped by a web.
Alive, they move like the wind. Shockingly, alarmingly fast.
When smacked, they explode into air and legs. So many legs, and not much else.
Despite reports that they control other bugs, they are useless against real nuisance bugs like soldier and stink bugs. And for fly control, spiders do a better job. The only real thing we ever saw centipedes hunting were spiders.
Small glue traps work really well at controlling them. I caution against large glue traps, as they might catch small rodentia, and if you want to know true horror, find a YouTube video of a mouse caught in a glue trap.

I'm team spider.

This pretty well captures things! Insects that eat other insects are worth rooting for, but like you, I’m on team spider.
- Spiders are no insects technically. But whatever...
- Are either centipedes or spiders insects? I thought insects only had 6 legs
Dumb question but I thought centipedes had like... 95 legs or something.

The one in the op doesn't have that many. Why are people thinking it's a centipede?
- Because centipedes vary a lot between species. The house centipede only has up to 15 pairs (30 legs): https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scutigera_coleoptrata
- They can actually range from roughly 30-350 legs! Fun fact
- I guess ninetyfivepede doesn't really roll off the tongue.
- That's why you always find dead garden millipedes curled up in a spiral. The odd number of legs makes them walk in circles until they die from it. "True" story.
I was bitten by one in my sleep as a kid, my foot swelled and it was pretty painful.
You’re team spider unless you live in Australia and like all animals in Australia the spiders are no exception.Spiders kill, spiders eat burbs, spiders fly. Yup they fly, it’s nightmare material.

I’ve also been bitten by a centipede in bed while sleeping and woken up in so much pain I threw up(#australiathings). How did I know it was a centipede? It was still in the bed. They are not nice. But I’m still all for them eating the spiders.
I've been bitten in the ass by centipede... twice. Took a few weeks until the bite mark disappear.
Your bullet points sound like an RTS (real time strategy) game's description of a unit. I would prefer neither around me, let them wage war (or set up home) elsewhere preferably.
Alive, they move like the wind. Shockingly, alarmingly fast.

This is true. It was both shocking and alarming how fast it moved when I first spotted one in my room after moving to the east coast.
Wouldn't it be inhumane to catch centipedes with glue traps if it is with rodents?

It's a common house centipede.

Generally good critters. They do bite though.

I know they're generally harmless (they eat bugs and won't bite you if you leave it alone) but they make my skin crawl and I can't help but kill them with extreme prejudice when I find one.
- The big thing for me is it's a sign there are bugs for them to eat in your walls or house.
- If it has more appendages than I do, I immediately dislike it.
- Same. Just seeing one makes me gag. My physical response to them is wild, and I WILL kill it.
- Same. They're just too damn creepy to let live.
Wait, common!?
- Oh yeah
Or at least, it was.
they bite?????????????
- Not only do they bite, they are venomous. So if one does manage to bite you, it will hurt like a bitch.
  
  On the other hand, one will most likely not bite you.

Thats a house centipede. Looks creepy, but its a nice house pet. It eats all of the other, undesireable, pests in your house.

Ok, thanks! Unfortunatelly this one doesnt qualify anymore as a pet but i am sure there are others around in the garden eg
Oh so it’s a rest of the world huntsman spider, cool. I’ve got one in my bedroom, love having little buggy helpers around
- People love to say that they are harmless. But then why give it the most harmful sounding name imaginable?
  
  HUNTS
  
  MAN
- When I was younger and I had roommates I hated it when they killed the house spiders. It was the reason we had so many other bugs. Once that roommate moved out, the rest of us stopped killing the spiders and after a burst of spiders the rest of the bugs were gone. House bugs are very creepy but they keep the bad house bugs away. Like bedbugs. Fuck bedbugs and the evolutionary niche they've crawled out from.
- You see, I think spiders are incredibly interesting animals. But I really can't look at them. I guess my Mum screaming every time something with more than 4 legs appeared had a lasting impact on me. So having one next to me while I sleep is nightmare stuff to me.
Yep, they are pretty cool ! Until there is no other pests left…

That's a house centipede. They will leave you alone and eat lots of pests.

Thanks for taking the useful approach, rather than parroting the usual drivel

Edit It turns out they feed on bed bugs - surely that should sway a few people.

...And they can detach their legs? I want one!
- Just so people who see them aren't worried, they don't just eat bed bugs. They will eat basically any insect that is smaller than they are up to and including spiders. I even saw one eating a yellowjacket once. So having house centipedes in your home doesn't mean that you have bedbugs.
- I want one!
  
  Don't worry, you already have more than one, probably hiding in the walls.
  
  Unless you live in a high rise building...
I wish I had a few of those instead of a multitude of disgusting silverfish }:
- But silverfish are not bad either? They don't carry disease.
Was*
- Yes, fair

Goa'uld

Forbidden shrimp

For the love of God could you not?
- Slimy yet satisfying

I think it's a mindflyer parasite. If you hear it talking to you, make sure not to listen.

Don't let it near your eye holes

https://eldenring.wiki.fextralife.com/Lesser+Kindred+of+Rot+(Pests)

I couldn't stand these guys

just a hard-working protector house centipede I think. harmless

Well, of course it's harmless, it's dead, SMH.
- So you're saying I can eat it, right? Gotcha. 😉

My brother/sister in christ, have you considered nuking your neighborhood from orbit ?

Oh that’s no problem. Don’t worry about it.

Looks like a house centipede to me. Something for scale would be useful

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scutigera_coleoptrata

Hmm yes, could be, thanks! As i read, they do exist here where i live.

For scale: Small and big spoons..?
- Banana for scale. This isnt the dark ages
- Gee! I didn't notice the spoons until you mentioned it, sorry! Must be a very small centipede then. Fully grown ones are about 10cm long, and they are very, very, very very fast. (But harmless)

Whenever I hear my wife scream, I know it's another house centipede I need to trap and throw outside (or smash and kill if I'm pressed on time)

Might as well kill it then as they don't survive well outside if at all. They are a good beneficial insect that will hunt and kill bad insects in and around your home.
- Spiders are okay, at least they hang around the ceiling. But this thing is giant and crawls on the floor and walls. No thanks.
- Yeah well they shouldn't have so many legs if they want to be in my home!
poor fren just wanted symbioses. :(

Welp time to burn down the house

The only sensible answer.

Do what I did and weld your house out of 20mm steel plate and have tightly controlled, thoroughly monitored and analyzed airflow, with a single two-stage entry hallway for washing off and inspecting your terran exploration suit and all acquisitions before entering your home.

I can pull a serious vacuum on this bitch, nothing's getting in unless I want it in.

proceeds to leave door open in summer days to keep the temps down
I can pull a serious vacuum on this bitch, nothing's getting in unless I want it in.

But for keeping things out you want positive pressure, not negative pressure.
- You missed the point, there's no leakage for it to make any difference.
  
  Besides, this creature isn't a gas.

Calories

Instructions unclear the sink is on fire
- Burn a ton of calories with this one easy trick!

I'm not an expert but it looks like a dead bug.

Nah, bugs have sucking mouthparts, and are insects. those aren't sucking mouthparts. Those things chew. And too many legs to be an insect, or a bug.
- Ok, as I said I'm not an expert. What is it then? A monster?

a good ol' centipede. they like crawling out of drains and usually completely harmless (they can bite afaik, but never happened to me, even though i liked to rip their legs off as a kid for some reason... also depends on the species)
this one is super chonky tho and has less legs then regular ones I've seen before... ~~probably American one~~ /s

What’s the size scale here … is that corn??

It's a full sized human head.

House centipede. They eat other bugs and while scary looking are harmless. They like spiders appear from time to time without anything being wrong. They’re just looking for other bugs to eat.

They also crawl on the ceiling and fall in your bed while you're sleeping.

I stayed a night in a dorm room before a bike race. I saw one of these before I went to sleep but couldn't catch/kill it. I still slept like a baby.

Not sure whether to respect, fear, or worry about you.
- the weak should fear the strong

Death. Now burn it or pray for a good afterlife.

It's not on fire.

That's not the actual image URL. It points to a webpage with the image. The image itself is here: https://gcdnb.pbrd.co/images/YCCuW7n9BhUB.jpg

Edit your post.

Oh ok thanks, i edited it. and I was wondering, why it doesnt show it (tried to upload it here first but got errors)

Kos, or some say Kosm

Looks like it's out of MIB

Just get it some Coffee and he will be good

I think that's HR Geiger's pet prawn

That's one of those sci-fi things that crawls into your belly button and makes its way up to your brain.

A sign to commit arson and find a new home.

Creepy?

This shit is freaky! I would abandon that house and move to a different country lol

It's a bird

Alien from The Hidden.

A friend of Neeble https://meninblack.fandom.com/wiki/Neeble

It’s a Run for your life!

That's a nope fam.

Nightmare fuel

Where in the world do these things live? I've never seen anything like it before, and we have some pretty crazy things you can find in a house here in Aus