Help me formulate the dullest response to colleagues when they goad me into telling them why I quit
Help me formulate the dullest response to colleagues when they goad me into telling them why I quit
This happens in Germany.
Work culture doesn't fit my personality: I don't talk much, I keep to myself, I simply want to do my job and go home, I separate my personal life from work, my colleagues are full fledged gossips, ignore the duties that need to be done and then expect me to help them when they are late. I don't have patience for that crap anymore.
Due to internal regulations, I have to stay on the unit for 4 weeks after sending my notice. Answering honestly the question of why I'm quitting would ensure that they yell at me and bully me, and I don't want to experience that again. Even saying 'it's none of your business' ensures that they feel insulted and start yelling. I have decided I don't have patience for people like that anymore.
So, what do I say?
Start telling a long and rambling story that in no way relates. Keep talking until interrupted.
Interrupt yourself with explanations that jump from place to place on the timeline of events but doesn't help the story in the slightest. "It all began with (insignificant event) back in (month and year). We were supposed to be doing (work task with too detailed of an explanation), but (coworker) started talking to us about (current event at the time, explain in too much detail). Then (I/family member/friend) got COVID about a week or so later. I think they probably got it from not wearing a mask at (event). (Explain all the COVID precautions and conspiracies and left vs right politics)."
So basically watch some Trump speeches and mimic them.
People who talk like that exist and I have to work with them on my team. They have been to, I think, a psychiatric hospital multiple times too.
I remember being on the hiring committee for my new manager. One of the two finalist candidates took several times longer than necessary to answer the questions without adding substance. When we met to discuss our decision, most committee members tried to voice more substantive reasons. Finally someone just cut the shit and said something like "it sounds like no one wants to listen to him talk." So yes, yammering is an excellent people repellent.
If they ask you to get to the part where the reason for quitting comes up, insist on giving them the "necessary" "context".
Then continue talking, except this time about some completely different incident. If they ask you to complete the previous incident, insist you were talking about this new incident all along.
Help me formulate the dullest response to colleagues
Now if there was ever a job for an LLM like ChatGPT, this is it
I asked llama2.ai and this is what it said.
The suggestions sound..... generic. I guess that's the point.
- Keep it simple: • "I've decided it's time for me to move on to new opportunities. I'm excited about what the future holds." • "I'm leaving for personal reasons, but I'm grateful for the experience I've gained here."
- Emphasize positivity: • "I've learned so much during my time here, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to have worked with such a great team." • "I've really enjoyed my time at this company, and I'm going to miss working with you all."
- Offer support during the transition: • "I want to make sure that everything runs smoothly during the transition. Is there anything specific you'd like me to focus on in my remaining time here?" • "I'm happy to help with training or knowledge transfer in any way I can. Just let me know what you need."
I asked Bing to answer like a politician. Here’s what I got.
I appreciate your engagement on this topic. It’s indeed a multifaceted issue that requires a nuanced approach. When contemplating the intricacies of career transitions, one must consider the broader socio-economic factors at play. The dynamics of the workforce, the shifting paradigms of work-life balance, and the pursuit of personal fulfillment are all critical elements that inform such decisions.
In the grand tapestry of one’s professional life, each role is a thread that contributes to the overall pattern. It’s not merely about the positions one holds, but the narrative they weave together. It’s about the people you meet, the skills you acquire, and the impact you make. And sometimes, to continue weaving that narrative, a change of scenery is necessary—not because the previous scene was inadequate, but because the story demands growth, and growth often requires change.
Moreover, in the spirit of public service and the continuous quest for improvement, it’s incumbent upon us to seek out challenges that not only test our mettle but also contribute to the collective advancement of our communities. Thus, when one door closes, it’s not a termination, but a transition; not an end, but an evolution. And as we evolve, we must adapt our strategies and roles to better serve the common good, always with an eye towards the future and the endless possibilities it holds.
It’s important to consider that a career, much like a journey, is composed of various experiences and opportunities. Decisions regarding one’s professional path are often reflective of a multitude of factors, including personal growth, aspirations, and the ever-evolving landscape of the industry. It’s essential to align one’s professional endeavors with the broader objectives and values that we hold dear. Thus, any decision made in this context is done with careful consideration of not only the immediate implications but also the long-term vision for one’s contributions to the greater good.
I've quit a toxic workplace before - I just said "it's a bad commute". Nobody can really pick at that reasoning since everyone has way too many personal variables for commutes (even from adjacent houses) to be comprable.
Just say, “I don’t feel passionate about this work and I want to look for something that I find more fulfilling.”
Tell them your shoes are getting old and you’re too lazy to buy new ones, and coming to work is just wearing them out more
Man tbh that can work out to be a nice metaphor for OPs situation.
The colour of the walls irritates me.
"I got an offer I couldn't refuse." and leave it at that! The offer might as well be just 'not having to deal with you guys anymore'.
That's a glorious response.
But if they probe into it more say, OP should say that they signed an NDA for now due to rules/laws.
You're kinda asking non German people how to deal with German people I'm not sure you'll get what you're looking for here
"I'd rather not say". Repeat this single answer until they desist.
Just say personal reasons. Even if they're nosy and keep pushing, in that case they're clearly in the wrong to any sane person looking on, because it's normal to not want to share your deepest most personal problems with your coworkers.
"well, with how things are going.."
"You'll find out soon enough"
"You know about mice and ships..?"
Refuse to elaborate further.A bearded stranger told me to throw away a ring.
Tell me where is Gandalf for I much desire to speak with him.
Best I can do is have a bearded man expose you as a thief to your neighbours, only to have have his friends party at your home at a later point in time.
The water is too crunchy here.
They've changed the kale vendor at the bistro I frequent, it's now a much inferior product. Unfortunately the next closest establishment that serves my favorite lemon kale salad is too far away, so I have had to take employment elsewhere.
Just start crying everytime and say nothing. They will get unconfortable and leave.
They caught me pissing in the water jug from the kitchen. Shrug. Guess I'm out.
I won the lottery.
My mental health can't handle this bullshit.
I had an opportunity I couldn't pass up.
I have to care for my father/mother/aunt/dog.
I want to travel and see the world.
I hate you.
I hate (insert random coworker/boss here.)
My wife/husband is taking care of me.
Onlyfans makes more than here.
Ha, tell each one that you hate a different one!
Say something like:
“It’s best not to discuss such details at this time”
Which will tell them, yes, there is a good reason, no, I can’t tell you since I don’t trust you.
You will never get in trouble for something like that since you literately are not saying anything.
The bonus part is that if the coworker is cool, they can just reach out to you a week or two after you left and you can be honest if you think they are worth it.
Say you make more money from your Only Fans. I just makes more sense to do it full time now.
Since you are from Germany, simply say "Die Grünen sind Schuld". Everyone will understand and accept this reason.
Danke Merkel!
"Deswegen fahre ich nach Österreich oder Frankreich, um die Besser Regierung zu genießen" said no one ever
"I found something better, but I'm not able to divulge what it is at this time. "
Or
"You! You're the reason I'm quitting."
"I won the lottery! No, you can't have any."
Or, Give each of them a different reason and watch them go crazy trying to figure it out.
My cat has asthma, we're moving to a drier climate.
It's the triple boring combo of pets, manageable illness, and moving.
Assuming they don't know what you'll be doing after?
Say "found a new opportunity."
You could be headed into unemployment and that'd still be a businesslike and no nonsense reply.
"oh damn, you guys didn't know? I feel bad for you but it's probably too late for you now. Guess you'll find out soon enough."
Then: complete radio silence.
I love this!
Say you are working for a family member (helping your dad with his company or sth.). A colleague once had to go help his parents with their small company and no one questioned it a bit. No "better pay?" or "man you are moving far away!" just "oh, well good luck".
"what kind of businesa is it? what are you going to ne doing there? when will you be back? " etc, etc, etc. this and a lot of other responses [lies] in this thread will invite pletora of questions from gossiping types which is what op is trying to avoid.
Go with the standard politician non-answer: "to spend more time with family". I have no idea if German politicians give the same stock response though!
"They were getting too close to figuring it out."
“New job pays X euros more” and make up random number. That’ll shut em up
Alternatively, and this has happened to me, they may offer to match the number. When a former boss did this it did get a bit awkward and I had to say "No, I honestly just don't like it here and tbe fact that you're offering me a 60% raise as I walk out the door after never giving reasonable CoL increases just cements that more." I fucking hate squeaky wheel driven compensation, it's stressful and makes employment unnecessarily adversarial (employment is an inherently adversarial activity in most of the world so you don't need to make it even worse).
At this point OP has already signed a new contract though. Also I’d make up a ridiculous number to sow doubt among the asshats.
But yeah the ‘you could have offered me a raise before to avoid all this’ is a good point.
Good for you for having conviction.
Just pull a Grandpa Simpson.
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Great. I would like to be able to do that.
I need a sabbatical. Canada maybe or New Zealand. A retreat to a monastery also sounds nice. I will rebuild an old farm house. Something along these lines. :)
It doesn't have to be the truth, or does it?
Because HR and I do not agree on what constitutes sexual harassment, so I choose to take my talent elsewhere.
Fucking hell, even just saying that would terrify employers enough to STFU.
Put on a painfully sad face and say that you/someone in your family has medical issues and that you don't want to speak more about it.
That could backfire if you meet those coworkers in the future and they ask about that.
Then you simply say “I was being polite. I hated the place”
Not at all.
If someone asks another person close to OP about their "medical issue" and the other person is clueless, there's a way out.
Say they're confronted by an old coworker later down the line who says "I talked to your sister/mother/SO/best friend/whatever and they said that you don't have any medical issues!"
Then OP simply acts upset and says "you told × about my private medical issue????" and act distressed over it.
However, I doubt these coworkers care about follow-up. So this situation is very unlikely to occur.
Private medical issue = private. Even people close may not know. It's a good alibi.
If you risk people yelling at you for stopping, simply tell them there's too much yelling and drama for you.
Also if you have paid sick leave you could simply get ill depending on where you are and on union agreements at least here where I am, the employer has no right to know why you are sick. Just that you are. After a certain number of days/weeks they can ask for a doctors notice that you indeed can't work. But still the proof does not need to explain your illness. It just needs to confirm that you are not able to work. Most doctors will understand the strain of having to be somewhere where youre under this sort of pressure
Yeah I second this. OP's workplace sounds toxic as hell, so getting a doctors note for being stressed out is fine I think.
I found a good opportunity elsewhere.
My friend asked me to apply for a position they say has better career prospects.
America is hiring remote workers at better salaries.
Something unchangeable at this company reminds me of my dead dog and it's been killing me for years.
I am personally curious what "internal regulation" means?
I believe that’s the rule in Germany, meaning, giving a month’s notice.
I didn’t realize it was regulated myself!
“my doctor told me if I dont leave I will have a heart attack”
There are already a lot of good answers here, so instead I’ll offer you a game you might enjoy.
For context, I used to have the same problem, but I stumbled into a hack that turns it into a fun pastime rather than a nuisance or concern, and now it’s one of my favorite parts of taking up a new post.
What: Seed your own wild rumors by baiting known gossips with decoys.
How: While I’m often surprised by which rumors have legs, it seems prompt technique is the key controllable factor. Prompts that are more off-hand, indirect, and opaque seem to cultivate rumors with better proliferation and more colorful embellishments. I’m not sure why less is more here, but my theory is that the more gossips have to make up, the more they “own” their version of your story and the better they are at selling it. If necessary, you can drop some facts here and there (use only truths) but in general try to avoid details. Gossips are insanely good at filling these in on your behalf.
Who: This part is easiest. Gossips will always come to you. Usually they are some of the first people to approach you at your new job, looking for the scoop. The first you meet are usually the defacto gossip leads, but the rest reveal themselves quickly, especially if your rumors are good. You will learn to recognize them by the way they sidle up in the break room or pry opportunistically in conversation, however the easiest sign is that they respond to evasiveness and deflection in the opposite way others do.
Why:
- Reconciling their conflicting versions of your personal story and private life disrupts their rumor mill internally and erodes their legitimacy externally.
- You have the unique pleasure of receiving, over time, fragments of “your story.” This has utility for tracing the leaks and determining network composition, but mostly it’s just hilarious to see what they come up with, and interesting to know the versions of you that people will entertain.
- As to social risk, so far none of my rumors have developed into anything terribly embarrassing — usually what they come up with is far more interesting than reality, sometimes even flattering — but the few times I’ve had to correct a story in conversation it was met with instant acceptance of the more realistic take. Most people know to take hearsay with a grain of salt.
- I suppose the gossips might be mad if they realized you were toying with them, but I suspect they would just treat you as a dry well and leave you alone, which also solves your problem.
- It’s relatively victimless as mischief goes. You don’t even have to lie. In fact it works better if you don’t.
- And it requires almost no effort.
TL;DR: You can bait the nosy nellies into writing fan fiction for you. It’s easy, fun, and good for the environment. Your personality traits make you a natural at this game —others might need to tone down their instinct to overshare or practice being pointedly vague — but if in doubt just remember, storytelling is the gossips’ job and you are their humble yet beloved muse.
"The snacks are too dry"
The free coffee sucks and gives me headaches, can't work in a company like that.
“ I would love to stay but a personal matter has arisen “
Or
“I was made an incredible offer I could not refuse”
This damnable prison of log and ice eats away at my fibre. I find the lack of culture astonishing.
Just say you're leaving for personal reasons. If they keep harassing you, can't you just.. not show up?
Krankenschein regelt.
I have been activated. Сука Блядь Comrades!
Будем здоровы!Will they find out that you quit? Would your supervisor tell them?
Also can't you just use your remaining vacations and call in sick to reduce the amount of time interacting with them?
Just a note on this one. He may not have told his supervisor, at least where I live you don't have to tell them why.
Not the reason, just that they quit. Some supervisors wouldn't tell the staff for a number of reasons
Give them a boring answer them leave weird shit for them to find like maps to exotic places in your trash bin and secret coded messages in the photocopy machine
It isn't any of their business unless you want it to be so just be vague as hell. "I got another offer that is a good opportunity." "I've decided to pursue other opportunities." They'll obviously ask questions and you can just remain vague. "I would rather not discuss specific details of my new job."
Or if you don't mind them speculating behind your back you can say as something like "I've decided to move on for personal reasons." Just leave it at that and let them sit there and wonder. Is a family member sick and needs care? Are you sick? Did you get a different job? Do you hate everyone? Are you going to prison? Who knows because you aren't telling them.
A loved one has (fill in the blank) medical issue, and I have to go take care of them for the foreseeable future.
Say you could never find the bathroom.
Make the response about you and you only. Even referring to the workplace would be tricky. Some of your coworkers might take criticism of the workplace personally.
The mothership has been signalled and I must prepare the bunker.
Just say: "many reasons" , and if they keep pressing you: "I'd rather not elaborate"
"I can't get any joy from the work anymore. I used to get joy from it. Don't get me wrong, the colleagues are nice and all"
Probably most of your colleagues will agree with you and nobody gets offended.
You’re being voluntarily committed
You’re going underground with a raf cell
You’re pursuing your lifelong dream of living on a houseboat in Miami
"My work here is done"
Because I don't work here anymore.
Why are you yelling?
But if you have legitimate gripes about them making you do their work why not tell them? You are leaving, it's not like they can do anything about it now, but if it's their fault (for lack of a better word) why not just say so?
By not making the last 4 weeks a living hell. Maybe you can even keep some bridges by not incinerating them to hell.
We have the saying "We will always meet another time" in Germany for a reason. No reason to be a dick and be polite and professional.
I need to move to Frisia to cater for my ailing mother.
Which Frisia?
This one. I didn’t know there was another?
By the time I quit a place, the reasons are well-known. I guess I'm lucky that way! :-D
I just need to find myself.
Is "going back to school" a thing in Germany? From what I know about that education system I'm guessing not, but in the US that's a standard answer.
"I want to move to be closer to my aging parents." - might work. If you haven't shared much about your life, it's an easy lie. And it's dull and depressing, so the odds of followup questions are slim. I hear it a lot when interviewing job candidates in our area.
Personal obligations I can't discuss for the sake of someone else's privacy
I signed an NDA