A duck walks into a bar wearing one shoe. The bartender says "hey buddy, you lost a shoe" and the duck says "nah, I found one!"
Okay, now that's good.
This joke is all class. Well done
- What’s brown and sticky?
- A stick
What's blue and sticky?
The same stick when it holds its breath.
What's brown and rymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
An underage weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says "sorry, I can't serve you alcohol, you're too young". The weasel replies that's ok, I'll drink something else. The bartender says "well I have water, soda pop, and cranberry juice, what'll it be?"
"Pop!" goes the weasel
Awesome
How do think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Mike Tyson? That you?
I called the wrong number today. I said 'Hello, is Joey there?'
A woman answered and she said 'Yes he is.'
And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’
She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.'
I said 'Alright, I’ll wait
I'm sorry for spamming Steven Wright jokes. I'll stop now
I used to like Steven Wright.
I still do, but I used to, too.
That you, Mitch?
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.
He said he can't complain.
What do you call an elephant that can only be accessed remotely?
Telephant
Yes, I'm a dad, how did you know?
Now the Dutch version:
Wat is groot, grijs en leeft in het riool?
- een rioolifant
The dumbest joke I know is a knock knock Joke and goes like this. You first have to make the person you're telling the joke to start saying "knock knock", then you you say, "who's there?".
Proceed to watch the other person confused about what to do next 😅
Usually, the most effective way is to say, "Wanna hear a knock knock joke?"
"Sure!"
"Okay, you start."
Has about a 90% success rate.
That was a far better formulate of what I tried to say haha :)
Why did the farmer win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Did you know you have a steering belt attached to your crotch?" The pirate answers: "Yarr, it be driving me nuts!"
The version I heard had a parrot on the steering wheel. Makes more sense with the pirate context hahaha
I broke a mirror in my house, and you’re supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
What do you call ten thousand lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
A good start.
I dipped my balls in glitter.
Pretty nuts, right?
what's red and smells like blue paint?
red paint.
Brian and Bob were walking through the forest when they came across a set of tracks.
"Those are cougar tracks!" Bob exclaimed.
"Hell, no! Those are coyote tracks." Brain said.
"I'm tellin' you, I've been out in these woods since I was little, and those are cougar tracks!"
"There's no cougars in this part of the country. Those are coyote tracks!"
Then they both got hit by a train.
An English breakfast has up to 9 ingredients, an American breakfast as many as 10, but in France 1 egg is enough.
(Un œuf sounds like “enough.” That’s the joke.)
Timing.
What is the most important aspect to remember when telling a joke?
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
Why do chicken lay eggs?
The eggs would break if they threw them.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
He was too far out, man.
Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning?
It was because they had an excellent conductor.
Why does the organ player only eat offal?
He's an organist
Why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?
For drizzle
I've heard it as:
What does Snoop call light rain?
Drizzle
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with!
Why didn't two go to the party?
Because he had no one to go with.
I wrote a book. I have the page numbers done, and now I just have to fill in the rest. I wrote a song too, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it is.
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guys asked them if they are ok?
Here is a derivative of that one:
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
If a threesome is with three people, and a foursome is with four, then i think i get why they call you handsome...
What's long and brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown, and rhymes with "Snoop?"
Dr. Dre.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
For drizzle, m'nizzle.
How does Helen Keller know when she's done wiping?
Taste test.
I've got tons of this shit for when we've got downtime at work.
So I was laying in bed with my girlfriend reading the secondhand diary that I bought… ‘I don't remember this.’
First thought, "wtf is a hand diary". Secondhand.
I'm hyper productive. Have one for my first hand and another for my second hand.
When my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.
Bob and Doug are building a fence.
Bob is throwing away half the nails.
Doug asks "Why are you throwing away the nails.
Bob replies "The heads are on the wrong end"
Doug shakes his head and says "Stupid, use those nails on the other side of the fence"
I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell.. Although, whenever I leave a house I go through the window.
I see. It's all coming back to me now... Said the blind man. to his deaf son. pissing in the wind.
I see. Said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw.
Me: Mind if I ask you a question?
Random person: Sure.
Me: Great, can I ask another?
Why did the surgeon hate performing toe amputations?
...he was lack-toes intolerant.
What do you get when you pull the wings off of a fly?
A walk.
One more, I'm sorry.
I've been making wine at home but I make it out of raisins so it'll be aged automatically.
What's the most common type of owl in the UK?
The Teat-owl
Why can't a dog dance?
Because it has two left feet.
This one is a true story:
I was in Dallas Love Field with my daughter several years ago.
I said, "You know, this is where John Kennedy landed only a few hours before he was killed. Show some respect and try not to make an ass...assin of yourself."
Roughly fifteen years later her eyes still haven't come back from rolling into the back of her head
I'm still proud of myself for coming up with that little airport joke on the fly
This joke was passed on to me from my mom:
What is black, hides in a tree, and is extremely dangerous?
Answer:
A crow with a machine gun.
'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was not yet heard of.
A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. "What ho!" cried the King. "Ass-hole!" replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.
At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.
Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. "But what of the Queen?" asked Daniel. "Oh, fuck the Queen!" replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.
Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, "Oh, shit!"; and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
"Stop!" cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called "Halt!" and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.
The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions' den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts --- but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.
On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of tea?" Daniel replied, "C-U-N-T!" And the Queen departed.
On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of pills?" Daniel replied, "NIP-PILLS!" And the Queen departed.
Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the lions took a liking to Daniel's left nut, and began to munch upon it. "Oh, it tickles, it tickles!" cried Daniel. "What tickles?" asked the King. "TES-TICKLES!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.
Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion's turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.
Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, "Where's the Queen?" "Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper." "And is she well-supplied with paper?" "Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen." "It is good," said the King. "And where's the Princess?" "Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis." "Not that fucking Greek again!" cried Daniel.
This amused the King and he spake, "Oh, fuck the Princess!" and another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.
Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature's attire. "Roll over, Queen!" ordered the King. "I'll be fucked if I will!" shouted the Queen. "You will at that," observed the King, "but you'll be corn-holed if you won't!" Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.
When the King saw this, he cried, "Balls!"; not because he had to, but because he had two. And the Queen replied, "Balls!? If I had two, I could be King!"
Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.
Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.
Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. "Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?" "Fuckin' big ones!" replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.
What in the stroke did I just read
Bravo!
I...I um...
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Choking noise (🍆)
Two fish in a tank.
One turned to the other and asked; "How do we drive this thing?"
Two nuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
I knew I wasn't gonna be the first child born, even before I was born. There was graffiti in the womb. ‘Bob was here.'
Extremely nerdy:
- I accidentally gave a guy a BLJ instead of a BJ and he got launched up the fucking stairs
Slightly less nerdy:
- Hey did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? It's a Pretty Nuts Story!
How do you get down off of an elephant?
YOU DON'T! You get down off of a duck!
What's small, green, and has wheels? Grass. I added the wheels to make it sound cooler.
Whenever someone says "oh my god" i say "you may call me [insert name here]"
A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.
Why can't your nose by 12 inches long? Then it would be a foot.
“I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I thought to myself, ‘You know, now's the time I should start stealing some stuff since I don't have any fingerprints.
What did the tree said to the woodpecker? Nothing, trees don't fucking speak.
Tiger Woods. It's no place for a picnic.
I’m going to court next week. I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case. 6,000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant …I don’t think they did it. I know a few of them and they wouldn't do anything like that
What do you call a pirate's finger stuck to the bottom of a sailing ship by a metal rod through the joint? A Barrr-knuckle!
Him: Hey, when you're out camping, do you enjoy it when you wake up in the morning and water vapor condensers on your lenses?
Me: DEW EYE?!?
What's pink, weighs a ton, and drags at the bottom of the ocean?
Answer
Moby's dick.
A guy walks into a bar and he says 'ow'.
Never break more than one rule at a time. Example: don't drive drunk if you're black.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she's always running away from balls
Two pirates walk into a bar, err sorry, two POLICEMEN walk into a bar.
The bar is a shady sort, classic barkeep spits in a glass, and polishes it with a dirty tablecloth.
The policemen sit down each on his own bar stool, but the stools have been recently polished, and one of them slips falling on the floor and snagging his pants on the stool, making them drop to his ankles.
The other policeman in an effort to help his partner, reaches down to help, only to be pulled down by his partner, snagging his own pants while falling and landing crotch-to-butt on top of his partner! Now this is starting to stir up quite the commotion and people are starting to notice this trouble. They both start writhing with pants snagged trying to stand up only for the rubbing to accidentally escalate into a bit of sweaty greasy butt-action, making things even more awkward for the already red-faced policemen! At this point they start pushing and grunting trying there hardest to wriggle out of this position.
spoiler
Then the barkeep shouts: "I KNEW IT, YOU ARE PIRATES!"
A guy told this at a stand-up competition broadcast live a few years ago and nobody in the audience laughed, and nobody watching with me, except for me. It's still one of my favorites :D It kind of has to be told verbally and the more time for "The aristocrats" style shenanigans you have the better. I like to tell it at meetings with clients and then enjoy the crickets once nobody laughs except me :D
Oh, man, I love The Aristocrats joke. Used to have a DVD of that one with a lot of comedians telling their own versions of The Aristocrats joke.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(film)
I think this one
How do blind skydivers know when to deploy their chute?
When the leash goes slack.
Heh. Popsickle.
Coque... say that word
I like to stand around somebody until they give me attention then I just Gangnam style on em. It drives people soooo mad.
