Is it wrong for 25M to date 19F?
Is it wrong for 25M to date 19F?
So I met this girl by chance and we really hit it off, once I learned of her age I decided to just be friends as I think that 19 to 25 is an age were we mature a lot and I remember myself as a 19yo and I was not mature enough to be a good partner and to be good to myself.
I talked to a female friend of mine and she said that I'm over thinking it and that I should ask her out and be open minded, and so I did and we are going on a date soon.
The thing is, she seems really mature but I can't put aside the age gap.
Am I over thinking it? Should I really just take it slow and just be vigilant about the situation and notice if this isn't healthy for me or her?
Or should I let her down easy and continue as friends?
Update: We went on a date and it was great, I read all of the comments and there were some really good advices that I took to heart. I will take things slow and try to be as aware of the situation as possible. I hope it will go well :)
Thank you everyone!
The age gap might make a relationship difficult, but it's not wrong. Just make sure you have clear open communication and understand each other's expectations. You're both adults.
Thank you!
As for what other people may think, the "half your age + 7" rule is pretty consistent
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Half-age-plus-seven-relationship-rule.svg
But yea you guys will know the situation best. Communicate well :)
Check to see if there is a power differential here.
Are you an established adult with a Real Job and a nice apartment while she is struggling to figure out how to get out from under the thumb of her controlling family? Or is she happily making her own way in the world as a small farmer or boat salesperson or something while you have been futzing around painting skateboards and playing in a minor punk band?
Older people dating younger people can be wrong because it is easy for the older person to have too much power in the relationship. If you have something she really wants or needs that you can provide or withdraw at will or as a condition of the relationship, you should not date.
Wtfh why do you pretend like people can't be nice if there is a power differential? A couple with a moderate power differential like you describe is only a problem if the powerful one decides to be a dick about it; it's literally fine as long as they are a nice person and can commit to not taking advantage.
Yeah, probably more of a 'proceed with caution' rather than a flat no.
Plus in any relationship there are wants and needs being met by the relationship that would be withdrawn if the relationship were to end. Mutual benefit is why you get into a long term relationship in the first place.
If you have something she really wants or needs that you can provide or withdraw at will or as a condition of the relationship, you should not date.
There's a sex joke in there, but the conversation it to mature for me to make it.
I guess there is some of that but I think that if I take it slow and let her be her own person outside the relationship (as we all should) it should be less of an issue
The fact that you are talking about "letting"her be her own person outside the relationship sort of implies that she might not have already figured out how to do that on her own.
People are right to wave red flags here, but are also right that it isn't necessarily the age that is the potential problem.
Make sure she knows how to be an independent adult with her own career, hobbies, and motivations, or you get into unpredictable territory.
From a viewpoint of a 40+ you are practically the same age.
While I agree it's hard to deny they are really not that far apart in terms of age, 19 year olds and 25 year olds are worlds apart. Disclaimer: American, can't speak for other cultures
I'm turning 31 this year, and my girlfriend is 25.
We've been together six years now. I didn't realize she was still 18 until the end of our first date, and she caught that I was visibly startled by it.
I owned up that I didnt realize and assumed from our interactions that she was at least 20-22 and she laughed and apologized, saying she thought I knew her age.
After going home and thinking about how well we hit it off, and how she found my concern amusing, I decided I was being silly and that if the age gap was a problem it would make itself evident.
Best decision ever. Nothing wrong with paying attention to those things, just keep open communication with each other 👍
I'll also note that I had skipped college and had been working, and was about to go back to school. She was about to start her second year in college.
There are multiple ways people can find themselves on the same path and there was some serendipity for sure.
To the point of many other people here, yes, over the next five years she is going to evolve more than you as a person. So just understand going that growing apart is more likely than if you were both in your 30's.
Nothing wrong with that, just a reality to acknowledge.
The thing is, she seems really mature
Every time I read this I cringe. Because most of the time this comes from someone that cant really judge that. You dont seem to know each other for a long time or have a deep connection.
Besides that I wish both of you the best and maybe it turns out as some of the positive stories in the other comments. Or not. Both are ok.
I suspect people often mistake 'chilled out' or 'doesn't enjoy partying much' as mature.
True but not in this case, I'm looking at it from a world-views and emotional understanding point of view.
Its true that I don't know her for long, she seems mature from my short time with her but I know it doesn't say much
I agree with your friend, I think that you're overthinking. As long as both are adults and willing, I don't see anything wrong.
Lack of maturity can be a problem in the long run but it's a problem that goes away over time, plus it is not some unsurmountable barrier.
USAian society has probably told you there is some kind of formula to calculate whether it's alright. Fuck that. Treat her like a human, not some input to a formula. Be decent, communicate, and if she's fine with it and likes you, that's all that matters. Society shouldn't come between you and another human.
Yeah, there's really nothing wrong with a 50 year old dating a 19 year old. Age is just a number. There's no power imbalance there or expectations. It's perfectly healthy for the 19 year old to get into a long term relationship where their partner is going to be 70 before they're 40.
Or, maybe, half your age + 7 is a good rule. It's pretty lenient.
At 18 we let people vote on the direction of the entire nation. We let them buy houses and go into debt for life. We let them die in war for their country. Most places in the world let them drink and get married. Of all of these rights, the absolute least of them is the right to fuck whichever other adult they choose. I cannot understand the utter insanity of thinking one is responsible enough to vote but not have sex. If you don’t think they’re responsible enough to have sex then they’re sure as shit not responsible enough to everything else.
18 year olds are adults. It’s time we stop infantilising them. People used to get married much younger than even that. If they want to fuck an older person, more power to them.
Way to treat another human like an input to formula. Good job
According to the universal dating age formula, (25/2) + 7 = 19.5, so I think you're good. Anything less would be creepy.
I too was going to mention "the rule"!
I too was going to mention that I too was going to mention the rule!
The moral panic about age gaps for any relationship where both people are over eighteen is so ridiculous.
You're fine. Just date her in you want to.
I don't think it is, while age ia not THE determining factor it does point to a possible lack of maturaity, experience, etc
So for some 18yo it night be okay to date a 21+ while others might have a 16yo mindset and really should't date anyone.
you can't be 100% sure about a relationship until you try it. it might work out, it might not. age is not going to be an obvious problem upfront if she seems mature. you just have to accept that you're taking a risk.
This is a good take, and you seem like a decent person. I think after a couple dates, you would quickly know if she is as mature as she seems and if it feels like the relationship is unbalanced or not.
My wife and I are similar distances and met at a similar age. I couldn't stand most girls her age, or even my age. But she has always been an old soul, and was more mature than most women I would have met, and certainly more mature than I was back then.
Ffs date her and see what happens, you know find out what she’s like and all that..
Date the person not the number…
Also cuz I know the internet likes to be ridiculous with stuff don’t take the above statement and say some dumb shit like what if a 12 yr old was the number, this thread is about an 18 year old who is of legal age for the most part in most places
My wife is 7 years older than me. We met in college. I think I was 22. We've been married for 25 years.
So your wife was prowling the local colleges for guys at 29 years old? 🤔
Maybe she wasn't able to start collage sooner... There are many reasons for why s1 is at collage at 29.
Could've been a TA, masters or PhD student, researcher, anything really lol.
I finished university in 10 years. I know a lot of people who did it in even more.
Your age, divided by 2, then add 7 = minimum age that most of society will deem okay.
For example:
25 ÷ 2 = 12.5 + 7 = 19.5
So the acceptable age for you to date that avoids the 'ick' is around 19 years old. Honestly it's not a big deal in the long run.
For me as long as your above 18 and it's consentual (ie. not forced, pressured, or groomed, etc), it's fine.
Not sure that a 25 year old is in a great position to judge the relative maturity of a 19 year old, but in general terms the only issue here is if you find it an issue. If you can't be comfortable in the relationship then it doesn't really work for you and you shouldn't force it.
That said, there's no harm in exploring the prospect over the course of a few dates... just don't commit yourself until you feel comfortable.
I’m 8 years older than my wife. We’ve been together over 11 years. When we first got together, she was 21 and I was 29. Now I’m 40 and she’s 32.
As long as you’re both consenting adults, there’s no power disparity, you have commonalities, and you’re both at the same stage in life, age is meaningless.
I'm not sure that we are at the same stage in life but we should be in about 1-2 years
Why do people consider bigger age gaps a problem? Because there's often a difference in maturity and experience that makes it harder to communicate, have the same goals and often puts the younger party at risk of being taken advantage of.
So if you think that the thing the age gap is a stand in for, a gap in maturity, doesn't apply, there's also no reason to get hung up on the number and mistake the map for the territory.
I think it's good that you're questioning yourself though and you should probably keep being a bit cautious about the situation and reevaluating yourself until you can be certain you two are on the same level.
There can be a power imbalance due to the younger one being less experienced and often having access to less resources.
You learn a lot dating in your late teens / 20 that allows you to avoid bad situations later in life.
But you can't say it's wrong with X years gap. Just that the potential for abuse is greater.
The experience gap at the low end is the big reason all this age stuff exists, no one really cares as much when you're 30 and dating someone over 40. The 18-22 range has huge experience gaps, most have never been independent before 18, many aren't truly independent until 22-24 due to college.
The exposure to different points of view and lifestyles that happens for most at this age is significant and it can cause real problems in a relationship. If one person has already done that journey of self discovery and settled into a career, and the other hasn't even started. That can lead to long term resentment or drifting apart as that discovery happens.
Thank you!
When I was 25, I met a young woman who was also 19. I couldn't believe she was so young, because she seemed so mature. But it wasn't an issue for me either.
That was 12 years ago. We have been married for 5 years.
I mean, does the girl know what she wants and can she fend for herself in a romantic relationship? If so, then no, what are you worried about? The legal age is 18 in this country and if my nieces and their friends are any indication, women are maturing much faster than they used to and they matured faster than boys since almost always.
A more stringent test though is, are you taking advantage of her immaturity? As some others said, only you can answer those questions. But don't base it on how mature YOU were at 19, that's apples to oranges my friend.
It may be a better question to ask if you're immature enough to date her. A relationship doesn't rise to the level of the more mature person, it sinks to the level of the less. Do you consider yourself mature? If yes, you should move along. Are you a little behind your peers? This might be great for both of you! The amount of life experience and growing up is so great during 19 to 25 is so much per year that for this relationship to really serve you you probably need to be meeting in the middle. The idea that she should have to be making the sacrifices of a relationship you have in your late 20s isn't really fair to her.
Unless she's had some very difficult life experiences, she's probably not ready to forgo the types of relationships you have at 19, 20, 21 and she may really regret giving them up later. Maybe you didn't have those relationships which is why you're pursuing them now? If so, it may be a good fit!
If your life experiences up until now are similar (dating experience, financial experience, independence, working experience) then this relationship is more likely to avoid a power imbalance, but because she's so young, the most likely way for these to be true is if you're behind. It's unlikely she's going to have years of living independently while working to support herself under her belt, or several long term relationships.
A date or three to learn all this about her isn't going to hurt! Have fun! But if you learn she's inexperienced compared to you in most things, it doesn't matter how mature she is, it's unfair to her to put her in a power dynamic where she has to advocate for her needs with less life experience than you in so many categories.
This is a harsh one since from what you are saying I should probably move on. Honestly I'm still very much on the fence right now.
Thank you for the input!
People can be pretty immature at 40 also.
And not every relationship has to be the last one. You learn from every relationship.
Thank you!
This is something that I still struggle with but I'm coming to terms with the fact that you just can't magically land on the perfect person for you and that means that most of your relationships will break before you find someone to really go the distance with.
No. Imo, as long as both parties are consenting adults then I don't see the issue. Tbh, I thought society would be more progressive in regards to this by now.
I dated a 19-year-old at 25. We're almost at our 18 year anniversary. The further out you go, the less it matters, and 19 and 25 isn't bad.
She often states if we met earlier, we would have never dated.
I'm dating someone with about a 6-7 year gap. It's fine, age fades as you both get older, and honestly, just find someone who makes an excellent partner. Life is too short to worry about a small age gap.
Sometimes I remember my parents have a 18 years age gap, and I can't quite wrap my head around this.
My parents are 6 years apart. I see no problem with this.
I met my husband and we were the same ages. It was fine and we're still together years later. Just ask her out.
Thanks!
You're 100% overthinking it. If you like her and she's into the idea, date her - more to the point, get to know her in that context.
If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But I mean, I've been with my partner for 14 years (married for 8 of them) with a 7 year age gap, meeting at the opposite end of our 20s. Sometimes it works.
If you are feeling it is wrong, then it’s not right for you.
I personally don’t have any problem with age differences. Unless the older person is deliberately taking advantage of the younger.
You're good on the age. Everyone is different. My wife was more mature than me at that age and was also around six years younger than me. Best decision ever for me to ask her out and eventually marry her. Been together 15 years now and just had our first child and couldn't be happier.
A good rule of thumb is half your age plus 7.
Indeed. I remember when that was the basic rule.
Also, women mature earlier than men, so at equal maturity it's quite typical for a woman to be 2 years younger than the man. At marriage in the USA, two years is actually the average age gap:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_age_at_first_marriage
Also, you might initially meet at 19/25. Next year you will be 20/26, then 21/28, etc. The age gap will become relatively smaller over time.
This is a stupid rule.
The good rule is to judge people as individuals and respect their autonomy.
It's a rule of thumb, not a rule of law. It's generally accurate in broad strokes, but not guaranteed at a fine level. Generally, it leads to an imbalance of experiences, but some people have more experiences than their age would suggest or are just fine being seen as a trophy spouse, or any number of reasons it doesn't fit.
Like pretty much everyone else said, your relative positions in life matter. A 25 year old who's already on their second job and making $125k/year should almost certainly not be dating someone who lives with their parents and is about to start their second semester of college.
Also like many people alluded to, the age gap matters less when you're older. There's not a lot of difference between a 35 year old and 30 year old, but there's a huge difference between a 10 year old and 5 year old.
I guess our situation is similar to what you describe in the first paragraph.
Youre both young, be safe, responsible and do whatever you want.
Honestly, I've got no objections to that age gap myself. It does quite depend on what type of people you are.
I've had a mate date a girl who was still dealing with high school drama and going out for drinks for the first time and I was kinda like "holy shit you really did snatch get straight out of high school". That's my issue with it though, maturity levels.
At the same time I had friends who both married and moved out at 18.
The numbers being different alone mean nothing to me.
At 25 I was dating to find out who my wife would be, if that's you and she has a problem with it... Well yeah.
Checking this thread, I'm more convinced that I missed the train by a long shot. I'm about to be 33 and due to several circumstances, I haven't been able to date at all, or have any friends to begin with. Given the rule of half plus seven, finding a woman age 23 or higher with the same (lack of) romantic history is basically impossible.
Don't be so pessimistic about it, i thought as you do. However, if you meet a person fitting to you, it is of no importance that you have no experience. I had my first date recently, probably ten years later than most. While i was embarrassed, it was no problem for her and she was very considerate to me.
IMO the age gap doesn't matter as long as both parties get what they want out of the relationship. I would give it a chance, but try to find out if your relationship goals match up. I'm currently in a relationship with a bigger age difference than that and so far we are doing pretty good.
I am in no position to argue as I never was enganged in a relationship as a 24 y/o but I'd say if both consent to it and both communicate their issues there is nothing wrong with it. Both parties are now considered adults.
Communication is key. Communicate your worries and see how she react.I don't think anyone can answer this question for you, it's a question for yourself. Do you personally feel like your taking advantage of her age difference? If no, then you're good. If the answer is anything other than no, then I think you need to reevaluate the relationship until you come up with a yes or no answer for yourself.
I've seen many kids well into their 30s, and I've seen many old souls just entering 20s. Maturity comes at different stages for everyone, and some don't get it at all. Don't Overthinking the age gap, what you really need is mental compatibility. If it's there then you'll be fine.
That's a fine age gap. Y'all are both adults
If she's cool with it then who gives a fuck
The only thing here is you're well over drinking age and she is awhile away. If that's part of your lifestyle it could be an issue. Otherwise if there's a difference in maturity that's the goal of dating, to find that out. 6 years different may seem big now but it's really not.
Not in Europe. Drinking age is 18.
I didn't see that but even easier
This is not in the USA so 18 is a legal adult who can drink
Who are we to get in the way of true love? In the words of Shia LeBeouf, just do it.
My grampa divorced my grandma and married a woman that's 12 years younger. They have been together for 40 years now and have 3 kids. Go for it dude.
Is she just starting college? A relationship with someone who's not at her school might be rough for her. I'd be forever disappointed if I didn't have those life experiences.
I met a woman once when I was 27, and we really clicked. She was amazing, fun to talk to, and beautiful. But then I found out she was only 19 years old and I nearly ended it. I didn't, because we got along so well.
I'm 43 now. She's 35. We've been married for 14 years. She is still amazing, fun to talk to, she has an incredible green thumb and she's grown awesome stuff for us to eat. She nursed a sick chicken back to life last week. The only nights we don't have sex are the nights we are recovering from a marathon session in bed. She has deep green eyes and beautiful long legs.
So based on my anecdotal "evidence", I say go for it.
No, it's actually very good.
Anyone can date a girl over 18 so long as the relationship is consentual
The legality is not the issue here dude
No it's about two adults agreeing on what they want
Yes. It is wrong. The gap isn't a big deal when you have both gotten to that mid 20s+, but who we are at 19 and 25 is vastly different. Please don't date teenagers. Don't make mental excuses to justify it. Take the compliment and move on.
Get a grip.
He should date her, it is fine.
I agree. I was in college at 19 and I would not have been able to grow as a person in the same way, if I had been dating a 25 year old at the time. You're just at different stages of life at this point.
I'm not saying it's impossible for this to work out well for some people. Clearly in the comments here it has, and I have friends with a greater age difference who are now happily married.
But in general, no I don't think this is a good idea. If it was the same age gap but meeting later in life, no big deal. But a 19 year old is at a very different point in life than a 25 year old and she needs to be able to grow on her own outside of a relationship with an older person.
You are right to consider the age gap, I would say the best bet for you to mitigate your concerns is to not put any sort of commitment in place until she's old enough that you're not concerned about the age gap anymore.
At 19 years old, you're not even old enough to drink if you're interested the US. I would probably say give her until 22 before you do anything that's going to evolve any sort of commitment or possible long-term consequence for either of you. In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with some low commitment dating.
Thank you! This is a really interesting tip!
If you don't date her, you might find her dating another 25yo guy.
Maybe but thats not really the point...
No. Don't be a clown.
