Advice

Probably could have worded that better but there’s no perfect analogy :/

I was trying to say that when you look at someone missing legs most people immediately understand certain areas of life are more challenging for them than for yourself. You might even treat them with more respect because of this and support them when you’re able.

However, looking at someone with ADHD, you can’t see their prefrontal cortex or neurotransmitters at all. Thus it usually doesn’t make sense why life could be more challenging for them than it is for yourself.

The reality is most of us default to projecting our own life experience on others as hard facts (sometimes leading to false assumptions other people’s intentions). We could all really benefit from looking at people around us with an openness and curiosity, knowing that there’s a lot we don’t know and can’t see

It's fair I can't understand why they don't just use the legs they don't have

Nah I just got sent to the principals office for being "purposely distracting" to other students.

Some teachers shouldn't have their jobs.

Yeah there's fidgety and then there's leg jiggling so aggressively that the entire row of desks is moving and I'm not even noticing because I am so focused on what I am writing down.

Also in adulthood I was finally properly diagnosed with "moderate to severe ADHD". Probably should have done that in highschool when I told my parents but what are you gonna do. Can't change the past.

It's not the ideas themselves that are the issue, it's the idea that a person making the suggestion will fix you with such basic suggestions. Alarms? Oh, I hadn't heard of those, and now I'm cured! Time tracking software? I had not thought of that! Suppose I can cancel my therapy appointments.

100% all those simple ideas definitely work for anyone, but it usually takes far longer for someone with ADHD to implement these ideas and make them a habit on their own, and even more effort to keep the habit going. This is really confusing to someone without ADHD because in their own lives when they put effort in to changing something they usually see results somewhat quickly. Thus, they assume the ADHD individual does not care or have the desire to change because there’s no immediate visible results, or not as many visible results over a longer period of time

You’re definitely not alone.

I think the key is that we are so often told what to do, but rarely are instructed on how to do it - it’s easy to give advice, but without providing the structure to actually implement the advice, it isn’t worth much. People seem to forget how much work it takes for us to do the things they suggest. Very little advice is as straight-forward as advice-givers make it sound.

Like above, one can say “install time-tracking productivity software” but what does that really mean? To me, it means that now I’ll have to research different types of software. Which means I have to find something compatible with my devices that also: respects my privacy, is easy to use, that has a reasonable price point, and won’t bombard me with ads. If I manage to do all that without getting side-tracked for too long (which is a big “IF”), THEN I have to set up the software and figure out how to use it. Only after all that can I get to the step of actually using it… which honestly, is easy to forget to do as well.

Point is, a lot of “simple advice” isn’t actually that simple for people with ADHD. So when people talk like an idea is some easy thing, it can leave a lot of us feeling like we can’t even reach out for help because iT’s sO siMpLe that asking for help feels embarassing. Yet without guided support, it’s much easier to discount the advice outright than to try to figure out how to implement it on our own. So we fall into that trap, and the “good advice” is ignored yet again.

Not it's not. You are right. It takes a lot longer to learn those habits and apply it in a useful way. It's taken me ~9 years and of taking it more seriously. I still f up from time to time. Just not nearly as much as when I started trying to get my shit together. (Even my test results showed overcompensation in my attention problem lol)

You still need to develop those skills on meds. Which takes practice. Meds make it easier to practice.

I think a lot of people on these communities are at a point of discovery and realization. That there is a big factor (ADHD) causing their struggles in life. That they are not "just lazy and undisciplined." A phase that can look like self-victimization and excuses.

Thing that worked well for me btw, is the ADHD guide on HealthyGamerGG. The name sounds stupid, but it's the online name of a psychiatrist with experience with ADHD patients, and he takes a hollistic approach. I usually despise every form of spirituality, but he managed to filter out the "woo woo" (as he calls it) and stick to the practical aspects of meditation and how the mind works. Helped me understand my issues and how to handle them better.

I didn't understand for so long how people could just sit down and do shit, while I hated doing things like dishes so much it made me irrationally angry.

Just knowing I have a problem helped. With some consideration and research I got ideas on how to deal with some of my problems. Example: hate washing dishes? Reduce the number of dishes you have at home and replace as many as possible with dishwasher-safe alternatives (assuming you have a dishwasher). Then they can't pile up so bad and it becomes less intimidating to take on.

What didn't help: suggestions from people without ADHD. "Just do it", "schedule it", "task tracker", etc.. yeah fuck that.

• Struggle with eating fruit/veg instead of shit snacks? Buy pre-cut stuff.
• Don't know what to cook? Use a recipe randomizer each week and just buy what you need, or just do 5 pages out of a cookbook or something, idk. Hell for a while I just made the same meals every week, no planning necessary.
• Hate folding clothes? Just don't. Reduce the amount of clothing you have, get bins for each type of clothing, separate and pile that shit.

Yeah. Same here. Even my test results showed signs of overcompensation. I got most stuff correct in time, but my impulsivity (and gaming addiction) shined through. It was stressful as hell and I tried my best. Then took the test again on meds and 1) it wasn't stressful, I was zen! 2) I was far less impulsive. xD

What is valid is mind your business. If you meet someone in a wheelchair, do you start recommending surgical treatments or physical therapy exercises? ADHD is a medical condition, and there is no cure-all treatment or technique that will make the problem go away. You deal with someone who has ADHD with understanding and empathy. If their condition affects you, especially in a negative way (they frequently forget plans, or they are late and you find yourself waiting) then you should honestly communicate those issues. But it's not your problem to fix. Some problems can't be fixed. You're entitled to your happiness, but unless you're their doctor, you don't need to help them come up with a solution.

Yeah, frankly I'm shocked by the number of comments saying "I dont understand, why are you complaining about all my good ideas?"

Of course it would, but it's like meeting a deaf person and suggesting hearing aids and closed captioning. You think people don't know about setting reminders?

They're all pretty helpful. I also don't understand.

Works for me, too, sometimes. But I also have arthritis, not that I would expect anyone to know that, but that's kind of my point. There's no cure for ADHD, and you definitely can't fix it if you "just" do one of the most common methods of mitigating symptoms. Oh, you have back pain? Just take a Tylenol. Just do some physical therapy. Just lie down for a bit. Just get a spinal fusion surgery.

Any of those might help, or maybe not.

Yup. I found that "taking the mind out on walkies" offers space for the mental storm to calm down a bit. Doesn't do shit for focus, but takes away stress.

That one is pretty useless if you have an hourly job. Oh, I'll just leave the store whenever I want and won't get fired, hmm? And the infuriating thing will still be there when I get back.

That's amazing!

It's not that the methods are bad or ineffective, it's that the advice is unsolicited and condescending. Do you offer to help everyone you meet with every one of their medical conditions? You meet somebody with a rash, and you say "just rub some vaseline with aloe on that, it'll go away." You don't know the cause of the rash, or if that will help, or if they tried it already. There's no "just" anything that makes ADHD go away.

You don't need to shit on the people trying to help

When the advice is akin to telling an amputee to just grow back a limb, yeah you kinda do.

I understand that the advice is coming from (what they consider to be) a good place, but that doesn't change that the advice is coming from a place of ignorance and shows they likely have no understanding of your situation. I've had NTs try this with me, and they get mad when I systematically tell them why their advice is not applicable or coming from a place that shows they have no understanding of my situation. And sometimes they've even told me that I'm just not doing it right, because if I was, it would work.

Generic advice is only good when you can't be bothered to understand someone's situation and feel the need to insert yourself into someone else's life, and without being asked a good amount of the time.

Or maybe don't go poking people with the very specific stick that they've spent their entire lives associating with disappointment, stress, anger, and sometimes punishment, aka "Just perform-action", and expecting to never get snapped at.

How is this related?