When I was younger I memorized this in three (3) steps to use at zero (0) family gatherings... is it cheating if my stupidest joke is the only one I can recall instantly? :]
Warning: this joke is so ancient, it's sepia-toned.
An engineer and a doctor were arguing about who had the harder job. To prove his might, the engineer decided to open a clinic, betting he'd be a successful doctor:
"If we can cure you, you pay $500; if we can't, we pay you $1,000."
Of course the doctor saw the proverbial <easy money> button immediately. The guy didn't even have a license! So the doc went straight to the clinic as his first patient.
Doc: "Sir, I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doc: "Blawrgh! This is gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The doctor leaves, fuming. But not to be beaten, he goes back after a few days -- he can still leave with a profit if he plays this right.
Doc: "Sir, I have lost my memory."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doc: "What, no! That's gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The doctor leaves pissed. Buuut, doc comes back after a few days --- he needs to at least break even, right? So, more determined than before, he brings a cane and says:
Doc: "Sir, I've gone blind."
Engineer: disappointed "Well, unfortunately I don't have any medicine for that. Take this $1,000."
Doc: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
Barman asks why he's got a steering wheel down his pants.
'Yarrr, it's driving me nuts'
I went to a zoo recently and it was just a dog.It was a shitzu.
Knock knock Who's there? Cows Cows who? No, OWLS hoo. Cows moo!
When’s the best time to visit a dentist?
Any time before tooth-hurty (2:30) p.m.
The stupidest joke I ever heard that has stuck with me for some reason:
How are Santa and a plum alike? They're both purple, except for Santa.
Two muffins are in an oven.
One goes, "It sure is hot in here."
The other muffin says, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
This is my casual go to, love freaking out as the second muffin.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
(Say it aloud.)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no i-dear.
Most of my dumb jokes don't work in English, but here's some that do:
- A Buddhist goes to the hot dog stall. What does he ask for? "Make me one with everything."
- You heard about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted some space!
After handing the hot dog vendor money, the Buddhist asks for change.
The hot dog vendor replies, "Ah, but change comes from within."
That's a good one!
Here's a really dumb one I made up that my husband loves for some reason.
Q: What did the leprechaun say when he was kicked in the balls?
A: Menard's!
Q: Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'd's in his name?
A: Because without them he'd be called Ewar Woowar.
I didn’t invent this but I was really proud that I ‘got’ this readers digest joke from the bathroom copy when I was 10? and it’s stuck with me.
Person A is on the elevator and Person B gets on
Person A: “You look like Helen Brown”
Person B: “You don’t look so good in black either”
There were two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing?"
Whenever my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.
What's the difference between a duck?
It swims faster than it walks.
And the similarities:
Both feet are the same size, especially the left.
That's the spirit! Keep trying.
A wingspan?
Okay, I was a child of 12 or so at my local gym with a friend. We were talking and some old guy we didn't know came up and asked us this. We stared at him, dumbfounded for a few moments before he said, "it has no legs."
He walked away and I never saw him again.He's wrong. The original riddle is making fun of riddles, and so has no answer. Someone, might have been the same guy, walked up to me in a grocery store, as I was looking at mangoes. And he said, "If you eat a mango every day for 75 years, you'll live a long life." And he walked away.
It's green and goes downhill. A skiwi.
My dumbest joke is actually a family joke that has built up over the years. Unfortunately it works only in German.
Basically when I was very young I mispronounced a key word in a Christmas carol and hilarity ensued that dogged me to my father's dying day. It developed over the years into this:
Es ist ein Ross entsprungen Aus einem Stall so alt, Wie uns die Bauern sungen, Das Ross entfloh mit G'walt. Es ist ein kluges Pferdchen Aus altem Stamm gezeugt, Das mitten in der Nacht dann Sich aus dem Staub gezeugt. Das Ross, das ich nun meine, War flink und voller Mut, Es sprang mit einem Male Hinaus in die kalte Flut. Mit Hufen, stark und kräftig, Fand es den Weg hinaus, Entkam dem Stall ganz leise, Und rannte schnell nach Haus.(I apologize to any German speakers for the terrible lyric verse.)
Want to hear a dirty joke?
I horse fell in the mud.
Want to hear a clean joke?
A horse had a bath.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tuna.
Tuna who?
Tuna piano and it'll sound better.
What do you call an elephant that you can only access remotely? A telephant.
EDIT: Damn autocorrect.
Woman buying a fish: "Do you have a plastic bag with that?" Fishmonger: "There is already one in the fish mam"
Where did lil Napoleon hide his lil armies?
In his lil sleevies!
"I know a great 'knock, knock' joke. Start it off, okay?"
Knock knock
Stalactites hang tight to the ceiling, stalagmites build up from the ground with all their might, but when they meet in the middle? You grab your phone and ya call 'em!
... It's called a column.
That's a more complete mnemonic than the one I knew
When the mites come up the tights come down
What do you call two mental patients in bed together?
Two nuts in the sack.
