"Ahoy 'hoy" like Mr. Burns in the Simpsons?
Or even like Alexander Graham Bell?
This one's pretty mild: I always answer my phone with "Yellow?"
Nobody has ever noticed or questioned me about it.
I answered my work phone with "Morgans Morgue; you kill'em, we chill'em" once. My coworker did not expect that and cracked up.
I've used the same line with different slogan a few times, but that's the one that worked the best.
City morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
Or you slice 'em, we ice (or dice, if you want gruesome) 'em
Joe's pool hall, 8 ball speaking
Sam's sanitarium, what nut do you want?
Town grocery, you want the fruit or the vegetable?
Bill's grill, where our meat fits your buns, how can we serve?
Bill's grill, where we shove our greasy meat in your mouth, how can we serve?
I used to have a whole list of these things I picked up over the years, but being able to ignore calls without having to hear them ring has made me forget a lot more
City crematorium - you kill 'em, we grill 'em
I'm trying to figure out how to use this as an ice cream joke
Jimmy’s pizza and abortions - your loss is our sauce.
Absolutely savage. I love it
I've heard the morgue one before, but I heard it as, "You stab 'em, we bag 'em!"
My dad's one was always "You kill 'em, we chill 'em"
“Joe’s Bait, Tackle, and Mortuary Service - You Stab ‘Em We Slab ‘Em”
Dickmans meat you can't beat our meat!
"Big Paul's Pool Hall, 8-ball speaking, shoot!"
That's the version I've always used.
One time my dad and I were sitting in the car while my mom and wife were shopping (fabric store, not our jam). They kept calling us and we kept answering, pretending to be our voicemail messages.
I don't know how we could keep calm while talking, because we were laughing our asses off in between calls, but it worked!
Amazing. I'll try this sometime.
Moshi Moshi
Japanese intensifies
Do it in Germany! "Muschi" means "pussy".
Every time I call one of my higher ups at work he'll say something dumb like "Dominos pizza how can I help you" or "This is the product owner help line, no we can't change your due dates".
I generally get a chuckle out of it.
Last time he called me his therapist.
I sometimes answer with "Come in please" when I know who's calling. Never stops irritating people lol.
One of my dad's favourites, which I use, as deep as possible "Lunch room, this is Susan". Works great when it's a telemarketer from an overseas, outsourced call centre...
Was at the house of a relative of a friend. When the phone rang he asked me to answer it. Suddenly realizing I didn't know the name of the home owner and lacking anything beyond "hello", I simply said, "Massachusetts."
“I’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty “
In a non-local language.
This also provides a minimal level of security against robocall scams.
mmmmmmYellow
A classic
Every since I moved to Texas, I started saying "howdy" just to annoy my sister. But I guess the jokes on me, because lately I have been forgetting and she has been saying it.
"Fluffy's Intimate Massage and Car Wash, you're speaking with Fluffy, how can I help?"
If you have voicemail (because apparently some lucky bastards these days don't need it) just repeat your voicemail message.
Especially funny if it's someone you didn't want to even talk to, and after you finish, when it would normally beep to indicate the caller should leave a message, just hang up.
"[your city] Police, how can I help you."
"Thanks for calling in to 102.5! You're on the air! What is your embarrassing poop story?"
喂你好！（or any language the caller probably doesn't understand!)
City Morgue, spare parts division.
"City Morge. You stab 'em, we bag 'em."
"Can I give you a hand?"
Guy I was working with would answer his phone with "Hi, can I speak to *person who was calling* please?"
Dazarter's mule stable, which ass do you want to talk to?
I think I have the wrong number
Supposedly, my grandpa used to do "Schwartz's Mortuary, Iberium Deep speeking."
“You plug ‘em, we plant ‘em!”
Welcome to the wooorld of tomorroooow!
Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color
This is my favorite
“Hello, it’s been so long, how are you!?” confuses them every time. Same with “ok, sounds good, see you then!”
I use jak sie masz. The phrase from Borat which apparently also means how are you in polish.
"You find more, Dziękuję."
Den of iniquity; Snake speaking.
Yankee stadium, second base.
Sneed’s Seed and Feed, formerly Chuck’s
Bob's dildo emporium, we pluck em you fuck em.
Mulder
"You're on the air. What's your beef?"
Hello, I am a communist
Average lemmygrad user
*WE ..... are communist
"You've called Sevil Natas, home of mirrored text, how may I serve you today?"
Vatican. This is the Pope.
THIS IS FLAMING DRAGON
Diarrhea Dragon .... we make it, you purge it
I love all the mortuary ones, they're fun. But I've also had fun with stuff like "Joe's Crab Shack" because of the long pause on the other end.
@programmatica If it's 0 in the morning (and you know it's not the case), "Somebody better be dead."
To say hello: Yo-dah-lee-yah-hoo, how are you?
To say goodbye: Too-dah-loo buck-a-roo, I'll see you in a few.
Horrible disease help me hotline. Disease please.
Who is this is?
Pizza hut!
Huuuuuuurooooooo
I'm a bad person
City crematory, we fry 'em you buy 'em!
This is how my friend answers suspicious scam calls: "Hi I would like to borrow 2 million dollars" and then hang up
Try this one next:
"Hi, is it done, did you get rid of the body? I see you got the new burner number."
"Bob's steak and video, how can I help you? "
I go with a mildly sharp, marginally rude...
"Whatcha want?"
Hey, might not be the funny line you're looking for, but it seems to sort out legit calls vs. scammers pretty quick haha!
Name of protagonist is literally a Navy rank
"mAriNe"
Talk to me
When my dad worked for the Electricity board he had a phone with two different ring tones, one for internal, another for external. He'd answer internal calls "Gas board!"
