Am I the jerk here?
Am I the jerk here?
Aunt: I'm going to Walmart, do you need anything?
Me: no thanks, I'm going there later to do some shopping myself
Aunt: But we could combine trips! It's wasteful to both drive there on the same day! The responsible thing to do---
Me: ok, I give up. Please get me cat litter and cat snacks.
Aunt: Ok!!!! :)) Which ones? And what isle? What color is the package---
Me: exasperated Are you serious? I caved and gave you what you wanted. Now you're asking for more information? I told you I wanted to do my own shopping, and you fought me on it. I'm making a peace offering by giving you two items to buy for me, and you're saying I need to go find the names and package colors and isle numbers? Please just be satisfied with what I gave you.
The thing that she wants is to feel good about buying me something. But I don't want that. That's the disagreement.
I imagine most people would see me as the asshole here: she can't buy the right item if I don't tell her what it is. But I clearly don't care about those details; if I wanted something specific I would have told her that. The only reason I mentioned them was to appease her. I'm giving her something she wanted, something I wanted for myself, and she's demanding more.
Yeah, that was a jerk thing to do.
No, that's fine. You're allowed to think those things to yourself. We all do from time to time. Just don't fucking say it out loud, obviously. Can you imagine??
Yes.
I imagine most people would see me as the asshole here
From posting that and fighting against everyone who disagreed with you here it seems like you already knew you messed up and are just posting here seeking for validation.
As much as you and I hate it social interaction isn't purely logical or transectional. It's not like a videogame where if you do this then the other character should do that. It's messy and there are many unspoken rules and it can change from person to person. If you truly want to learn how to be more so sociable and truly reflect if you'd been an asshole then, take some advice from the comments. Learn to say no more gently, learn to see and anticipate what others need, etc.
it seems like you already knew you messed up
I'm sorry but this is wrong, despite what it seemed like. I'm trying to get some outside perspective; that doesn't mean I'm obligated to accept hurtful speculation about my relationship. If someone offers me a glass of beer with piss in it, I'm not required to extend gratitude. If you sense me "fighting against everyone who disagreed with me" then you can keep your beer. Scroll down friend, I've gotten what I needed from people with better emotional regulation than you. Some of the folks that I disagreed with in this post have offered insight for which I've responded appropriately. This isn't about you, stop being a dick.
Do you hear how adversarial you are here? You're actually insulting someone and acting like you have the high moral ground.
Buddy, I'm not sure if you should be criticizing someone else's emotional regulation.
You should have just said you didn't care about the details. It's Christmas and you are being a dick. "I give up" and the rant just makes it seem like pure snark. You should learn to communicate without being mean about it.
Doing two separate trips is dumb and when she offered to just do it for you, you were an ass about it. Judging by your other comments, I don't think you are looking for real insight here though.
Why "should" I have offered more detail, when I didn't care about the details? I was already caving and giving her something she wanted, something that directly conflicted with what I wanted. And I did it politely. I didn't "rant" until she asked for something more, after I already conceded. This isn't a gotcha. I'm asking for your input here. Why am I a jerk for not giving more, when I already caved?
Why not followup with - 'it doesn't matter the color brand flavor or type of litter, and the pet cat isle, thanks you for grabbing these items for me'.
I don't see why you'd get upset with a logical follow-up clarification question
I didn't follow up because I was already pushed past my limit. My aunt and I disagreed because we both wanted a thing, and only one of us could have it. I caved and gave it to her, and she asked for more.
I got upset with a logical follow-up clarification question for the reason in my original post (lol): "I clearly don't care about those details; if I wanted something specific I would have told her that. The only reason I mentioned them was to appease her."
Then you should be saying that to your aunt, instead of losing your patience. People aren't MIND readers. It is as easy as "I will use any brands you buy."
If you get this irate over normal life (consistantly), then you should talk to a professional.
Edit: asks if I'm the asshole? Gets irate when people say yes. :). If the issue is your aunt being overbearing check out the DEARMAN principle. It will help you with relations.
I get it. It's a pain when people offer help that makes more mental load or work for you.
Do you know if you're neurodiverse? That sounds like maybe a meltdown. I have people in my life that have only two modes: ok and not ok. The difference can be .000002 over the line into not ok but there isn't a correlation between the amount over the line and the amount of not ok. It's good or bad and nothing is between.
I don't know all about your relationship. Looking at this situation in a vacuum, I think it was kind of her to try to be sure she can buy the right items for you. You didn't match that kindness. You could have, in a more neutral manner, told her that you don't need anything specific and that anything from the section will do.
I would disagree by saying that giving her what she wanted, even though I wanted the opposite, was kind. But thanks for your response.
You to have a skewed outlook or some bias. A person offering to save you a trip is a kindness, you seeing as "giving her what SHE wanted" is a very odd take. If all your relations with people are like this, then common factor theory points to you being the issue. Professional help can improve all those situations you may be dealing with.
In such a situation, just lie.
"Need anything from the store?"
"No" (private subtext, I just want to do my own shopping and have some time out of the house)
Later... Once they are home:
"See you in a bit, I need to got the store. Silly me didn't think of a few things I needed when you asked earlier. Bye"
I wish I had done this instead. It feels so shady, but I think it's the least harmful way of avoiding these types of conflicts. Ugh. Thanks. I'll consider it for the next time.
Remember it's hardly a lie because they have an unspoken part of their question:
"Want anything from the store [that you want me to get for you... Including sufficient detail for me to find and select it]?
So think of your white lie "no" as more addressing the latter part
Imagine you needed something very very expensive, or something that takes a long time for the staff to make. You shouldn't expect someone to front the money or wait a long time, if you are capable of doing it yourself.
Just saying it isn't really shady, it's just a social adjustment
White lies are social grease
Yep
Just say "I haven't made my whole shopping list yet, so I'll just go later when I'm prepared"
Why say yes? Because I didn't say what you would have said?
The reason I didn't say that was because she argued with me about both making separate trips. That's the disagreement. She was not satisfied with the idea of me "going later when I'm prepared" and fought me on it.
Yes you are. Not caring about those details? You don't deserve your cat.
I never said I was going to feed the item to my cat. I said I was giving my aunt an item so she would be satisfied. Does that make sense?
You were going to eat the cat snacks yourself then?
That discussion is way fewer iterations than when I'm over and having it with my parents, and you're spending way more energy on it than needed. In the end it's just a back-and-forth non-sappy silly "I care about you", and reacting as you did is basically replying "Fuck you and your caring". Yeah, you're a jerk, or socially inept.
This is how my responses would be: "Not now, thanks", "Nah, anything I should look at while you're gone?", " Nah", "Nah", " Nah", "Nah, bye".
Also I fail to see how you could not care about the type of litter. Clumping/non-clumping/silicate/pellets are all so different to use. Poor kitty.
Yup
Why do you think so?
Very much yes. It sounds like you’re going to find something, anything to lash out at her about. If she came home with the wrong ones it would be that.
Edit: but also, she should respect your wishes if you want to do your own shopping
Thanks for the edit. I'm validated to know that a double-read was necessary to fully understand my position.
I understand why you are upset, however, you should have just said
"Because I prefer to shop alone, I don't need anything, thank you"
What people don't get from the prompt is that your aunt is overbearing and constantly finds a way to "help" you but it's really just a way for the person to insert themselves into your life to feel more important/relevant because they can't get in another way or they can't relate to you or there is some past friction. They are the type of people that ask if you are hungry and won't accept 'no' until you give them the answer they want or until you blow up on them, and you're the asshole somehow.
Thank you so much. People are so hurtful here. I appreciate the response, and I agree with you: "I'm helping" is an excuse that can be used to justify bad behavior, such as privacy violations (figuring out what someone else needs), forced compliance (give me something to make me happy or I'll argue at you) or short-term validation. It's a convenient flag to throw when someone gets hurt and you don't want to feel bad about it. I'm so tired.