Yeah they're not perfect but like the biggest mistake they made was not getting me diagnosed for autism as a kid, and that's not really something i blame them for since it's really a societal problem and you can't feasibly handle something you've heard about in passing twice in your entire life..
Like it's not rocket science, treat your kids like actual human beings and you're a good way toward being a good parent.
It's weird, I think my parents did a fine job of raising me and my brother, even though my father was a raging (but functioning) alcoholic and my mother was (is) manic-depressive. They made sure we were taken care of, put us both through expensive college, and have always been there for us whenever we needed anything. But my brother decided long ago (thanks to therapy) that our upbringing was somehow traumatic and he harbors enormous anger and resentment towards our parents (although he keeps this mostly hidden from them). He has consciously chosen to raise his own children basically the opposite of how our parents did, but they have basically turned out exactly like him: socially awkward, depressed and in terrible physical shape. I asked him whether he blames himself for their problems since he blames our parents for his, and it turns out no, he blames our parents for his children's problems, too.
Everyone has problems. And everyone thinks they are above them and have moved past them. I think it's more realistic to just love your kids and hope that you do just a little bit better than your parents did. Just like every generation is smarter than the last maybe in time the planet will be less fucked up.
You know your situation better than anyone so feel free to ignore this if I'm way off base.
But I'm guessing two things here:
Your parents were able to provide you with things you needed as a child. Perhaps things like college and clothes on your back were the things you needed to grow into a fulfilled and happy person. But maybe your brother needed your mom to control her emotions better during an episode. Maybe he needed your dad to be predictable and consistent instead of drinking and behaving in ways that were irritating or unpredictable from a child's perspective.
You might not be fully acknowledging some of the things they did (or didn't do) that made you feel bad when you were little. It doesn't have to be physical abuse for it to have an impact on you. We know now that children form attachment styles at least partially based on how their parents responded to their cries during infancy. Kids can be amazingly resilient, but also incredibly delicate.
Also, the odds that they treated you differently based on birth order, their age when they had each of you, gender, your personalities, etc. is very high.
You should ask your brother what really bothers him deep down. I'll bet you get some tears and probably some very deep, very impactful memories/feelings about your parents.
If you asked my younger, more relaxed brother about our parents, he would say, "Yeah man dad's a dick for drinking and bailing on us, and mom likes to guilt trip us but oh well."
I would be the one to explain how their constant fighting, dad's drinking/drugging, mom's emotional manipulation and authoritarian parenting, etc. made me feel deeply unsafe and insecure as a child. I felt bad about myself and my life. I wished I could get a letter from Hogwarts more than anything. And when our father got so into drugs that he became absent completely, I felt lonely and abandoned. Took me many years to make peace with it and realize he was really sick and struggling.
The thing is, I suspect that I've actually come a lot further in my healing than my brother has. I don't think he's aware of some of the things he does or why he does them. Any chance your brother is actually onto something here?
You'd be surprised how many parents struggle with even basic stuff like "don't scream at your child all of the time". It should be easy and common sense, and yet so many fail at this..
man i don't even understand why they do that, it very obviously doesn't work and means that when you actually need to shout at the child they'll ignore it since you always shout at them
oftentimes it's straight up more effective (though maybe not quite the correct option) to simply ignore them, which i would think is easier than screaming, but what do i know
My parents were top notch but I was a fucking monster and made their lives hell, and I would not have blamed them for beating the fuck out of me.
I too could have used a 'sperg diagnosis, and they probably could have fostered my civil engineering and architectual design traits better, or given me more books on the subject. From as early as I can remember, I was designing and building detailed models of cities from whatever I could get my hands on. Sand, twigs, blocks of wood from dads carpentry business, cotton thread from mums sewing kit for powerlines, etc. I feel like that was a missed opportunity, now that I work in tech. But at least I have Factorio to scratch that itch.
He was definitely a flawed man, and there were tons of problems between the two of us over the years. But I also heard plenty of stories about how he grew up, and about his parents—both from my dad and from other family members. Without a doubt, he managed to be a better person than his parents, and a better parent to me than his parents were to him. They were straight-up cruel to him, whether physically or simply using him for the family's gain.
That doesn't absolve everything, and I've still got plenty of my own issues. But what I respect most of him, in hindsight, is that he played the hand he was dealt and managed to be a better man. Not perfect, but better. I want to do the same.
Sorry for being sappy, it's only been a couple of weeks. I also know that this doesn't apply to everyone, since some parents are indefensibly cruel and abusive. In general, though, I hope people can be easy on each other, easy on themselves, and stop letting "perfect" be the enemy of "good."
I’m very sorry for your loss. it’s really touching to see how much you understand him and accept his imperfections. May your grieving be as smooth or intense as you need it to be.
Anti-natalist sentiment definitely pretty strong on Lemmy, which makes sense considering the crowd but sometimes it gets pretty brutal and uncalled for. Like at the end of the day we're a species because we make babies lol.
I don't want to be anti-natalist. I wish we could make sure that our children will have better lives than we do, and I will fight to make that true. But for now, the guilt is too much for me.
I actually had my real story typed but then didn't submit it because it's way too depressing for most peoples standards and could make people feel sick in their stomach.
Society needs to change on a fundamental level.
The school system is flawed.
The government is flawed.
Social expectations are flawed.
The tech industry is rotten to the core.
The environment is collapsing under the weight of random stuff humanity wants but doesn't need or benefit from.
Our generation needs to fix this and clean up after our ancestors.
One of the larger problems is the government of the USA anyway providing zero healthcare/mental healthcare or any social help/care to it's own citizens then somehow expecting in the future to have a functioning country.
Thesis + Antithesis = Synthesis
Why not have both. One can appreciate the good things while also improving on the bad parts. Nobody ever should expect any system to be perfect, but rather seek its steady and never-ending improvement.
"Are you traumatized in any way? No? Think again! Did I do anything traumatizing? Tell me, I'm willing to admit and learn from my mistakes. So tell me, what did I do that traumatized you and don't look at me like that! I'm really trying to help you!"
Literally what every one of my clients with childhood trauma says. I'm a therapist. I can think of one exception where the parents kind of listened and tried to atone, but that's it.
Yes when someone has trauma that impacts them from their parenting, it's reasonable to do so. Sorry that's news to you, welcome to 20th century psychology.
my favourite is the one that shows 2 people at the park with a stroller, arguing about which one of them needs to go to therapy, and the baby in the stroller thinks that they'll be the one to go to therapy since neither parent will.
This is my fear with having kids and part of the reason I still haven't done it. I like the idea of having kids but don't want to actually do it and force someone to live with the consequences of my shitty parenting
I would argue that we still see some slight improvements and progress over the generations. Of course the difference could be much bigger but every time I bring up that we should implement tests and a license to have kids I'm call a crazy person...
Pre-test and license makes sense but would turn out awful, because the biggest shitheads out there would just co-opt the process. Unfortunately, the best option is just not perpetuating the species on an individual level.
some places have some level of test, or anyways interview or vetting, before becoming a childcare worker, or befire adoption. that could be seen as somethkng similar to described.
of course,multiple jurisdictions also make even accessing contraception, far more difficut that it should be, with all sorts of tests ands barriers in the way. I guess that's the opposite of, in one sense, of whats proposed perhaps.
...
And, yeah, don't do eugenics, . do, however, make contraception and scientificallya accurate sex ed, freely and widely avalable.
I really don’t know why I was born, overall it’s like wallowing in a cesspool, I’m not even exaggerating about it, it’s just a simple thought of what it’s been like over the years.