Earth got an update. What small features have been improved, added or fixed?

Lifespan of dogs and cats increased due to popular demand

Also optionally can be puppies for much longer but without the downsides.

Enabled wealth cap. Several players were holding on to massive amounts of money, artificially inflating the in-game economy and driving prices higher than the average player can realistically afford.

Bowser Revolution

Mosquitoes removed in the latest patch

Literal bug fix.

Fixed a timing bug were 5 hours of work only made the clock advance by 5 minutes, and 5 minutes of spare time randomly made the clock advance by 5 hours.

This breaks Einstein time dilation e2e tests. Please revert.

Sound speed fix, sound now travels the same speed as light.

This change has been reverted as it caused all high explosives to have the effect of nuclear weapons. The developers apologize for the inconvenience. In compensation, DNA has been given resistance to radiation damage: this reduces the speed of evolution, but prevents cancers from all the nuclear waste caused by the previous patch. As a bonus, humans with low melanin no longer develop skin cancer due to perfectly ordinary sunlight. Sunburn is still a hazard; wear sunscreen!

Yeah that one's on me. I'm still an intern and thought it would be handy. ^^
- Always try new features in prod
Wouldn't this mean all matter could easily reach light speed?
- Yes, sound is carried in waves of matter. If sound moved at light speed, the.matter must also. Interesting thought of the day, your heartbeat would explode your chest.
Dammit, now the lips and words on Netflix don't match.

Rotation now set to "standard" 24 hours exactly. No more wonky 23.99873 hours screwing up automated functions every 12 years.

And a year is exactly 360 days. Or maybe 364 so there are a perfect 52 weeks in the year.
Why not take this opportunity to make time base 10 for all meaningful measures?

100 weeks a year. 10 months wherein the moon orbits once. 10 hours per day.

Or even just base 2. I guess it probably matters most that planetary bodies have evenly divisible periods and we can figure out the rest.

Those weird hairless monkies destroying the planet now reproduce at 10% of the speed.

imagine being pregnant for 90 months
- Or only one in ten births were viable, like the Krogan Genophage.
- Or is it just everyone getting 90% less fertile?

OP: EARTH get an update.

Also OP: let me rewrite the laws of physics that apply to the entire universe.

Fixed typo resulting in ticks giving lyme disease instead of limes diseases. Ticks now properly feed on fruit juices instead of blood.

Finally I can enjoy nature the way it's intended. Reading a book under a tree, Frodo style, without fucking dying.

Nothing too bad. Wasps and hornets now have knives. Enjoy 😊

Fixed pathfinding for common winged insects. When attempting to leave enclosed areas they should no longer bounce off windows two inches from the intended exit point.

Climate control bug has been fixed
NPC balancing. Added air and land mammals that feed on humans. Added sea mammals that are super territorial and attack human shipping vessels.
COVID24 has been introduced to correct previously mentioned balancing issues
After review, many extinct large animals have been reintroduced since they disappeared to correct effects of balancing issues

Added sea mammals that are super territorial and attack human shipping vessels.

Orcas > humans!
Climate control bug has been fixed

I wish it was that easy…

The big skin color patch is here!

After hearing many player requests, human skin can now appear in popular colors such as gray, purple, orange, and iridescent turquoise.

Skin color heritability has been reduced, allowing the new colors to be introduced naturally at character creation time. We expect this will also reduce some skin-color-related bad behavior that players have reported.

For players wishing to change to one of the new (or old!) options, we've released a series of colorful plants that can be consumed to change skin color.

Strange bug led to monkeys evolving well past other species and dominating before anyone else can get to late game, because of this we've increased the learning and beneficial evolution speeds across the board.

Removed herobrine, again

Speed sound fix introduces some terrible new bugs where everything sounds really weird. Musical instruments need to be a million times bigger. Alas humans wouldn't survive to experience these spectacular changes. Even the soft whistle of a flute would blast anything in its vicinity to smithereens.

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it, does anyone on earth survive?
- In this case probably not 😂

Updated the human immune system to function as intended. This will fix the following issues:

There was a bug which allowed some microscopic entities to negatively impact the performance of human entities. This should no longer occur.
Another bug that caused the immune system to improperly identify friendly or beneficial items as life threatening has been corrected.
The immune system will no longer fail to recognize some cells that have corrupted genetic code. Should result in the elimination of the unintended cancer debuff that was introduced by the evolution process.

Did it also fix that bug where, under certain circumstances, the immune system would attack the eyes?
- I think that's covered in #2.
- Hotfix: ocular degeneration should no longer be inadvertently applied by immune system. Leaving environmental damage in for balance.

Existence fix: Implemented a streamlined mechanism allowing individuals to gracefully cease existence during their life cycle, eliminating the need for complex workarounds with forceful self-terminations.
Cop improvements: Implemented comprehensive updates to law enforcement algorithms, removing instances of impulsive or biased behavior, ensuring that officers adhere to the law they uphold. Additionally, the "suicide by cop" scenario is now obsolete due to the existence fix, rendering it unnecessary.
Economic System Enhancement: Implemented measures to rebalance wealth distribution by debuffing excessively wealthy individuals, promoting a more equitable economy. Prohibited money hacks to ensure fair play and integrity within the financial system. Disrupted exploits of the economy system to maintain a level playing field for all participants.

All vegetation is now edible and extremely healthy.

You forgot delicious
- All vegetation tastes of harse diarrhea

patch earth-00137900.12023.09a

make 1/137 show up more often to mess with scientists
add syntax highlighting to maths

[bugfix] patch earth-00137900.12023.09b

π is no longer irrational

But what about i?
- i can't hurt you, it isn't real

Fixed a balance issue with homo sapiens' spines. Now less humans should suffer from spinal illnesses and back pains.

Having just had an X-ray on my spine to figure out some problems I'm having, I'd welcome this patch.

It would certainly be cheaper than months of physical therapy.

The issue of the octopus lifespan has been fixed. Now instead of a median lifespan of 2 years, they have their normal lifespan of 200.

Animals can now speak to humans

This seems a little buggy. Animals now speak in human languages even when talking to each other.

It might be funny for a moment that bird mating calls are now things like "My tree! My tree! Fuck me! Fuck me! I'm a hot little sparrow so fuck me!" and squirrels now yell "You're a shit! You're a shitty shitty shit!" if you get too close ...

But human children have started to pick up language from the local wildlife and it's really inappropriate.

Please roll back or fix the bird pottymouth problem.

The update doesn't worry me....turning it off and on again worries me

I sure hope the world doesn't run on anything resembling Windows.

Many humans reported an issue where their children would cry in the middle of the night. This has been fixed.
Fixed many other issues that were preventing a full night's sleep.

They killed all the kids??? Bad devs, bad!

You no longer go blind if you look directly at the sun.

Banned humans because of griefing

I was going for ‘removed a certain cancerous bipedal species’, but yeah.

For sound to increase to the speed of light, our air would have to increase in density so much it would crush the planet.

Human nature nerfing. 20% less full of shit, evil and greedy.

Implementation details:

Psychological Insecurity has been adjusted to better scale with actual life insecurity. The previous model failed at the high end of economic stability.

All humans get a +10% buff to Compassion (equivalent to one level of Monk of Peace).

Hoarding disorder reduced to 50% previous strength at all wealth levels.

Karma now procs 75% of the time.

Invasive species fix, plants are much slower and less likely to establish outside their native habitat range. These plants can still be cultivated as specimens but they will not reproduce themselves to the point of eradicating native species.

Idk, not sure if there are any feature updates I'd like to point to, except maybe a resilience buff for all [Species: Bee] players & guilds, and maybe a slight nerf to the thermal properties of carbon oxides, though the lattermost one could be challenging, since that'd have to interact with physics.dll, a library over which I'd put a red & white ribbon and a big "do not touch" sign.

Fixed an exploit where petroleum products were combustable for net energy gain.

-Tweaked the “brain dead” multiplier because they were getting out of hand.

-Removed religion because it needs more testing and was having way to many knock on affects.

The edgey atheists in every possible thread really gives lemmy that old Reddit feeling.
- The clever centrists with their interesting comments haven't changed either.

Well, the last major update involved a huge shift in viability for different classes following the asteroid raid boss. I imagine this next patch will introduce something like rapid genetic mutation and drift to prepare for the next big update which is set to follow the limited-time climate or supervolcano event.

Due to recent hardware upgrades, the speed of light has been increased to it's originally intended value. Light, and all charged electromagnetic waves should perform at double or triple previous speeds.

Joe also found a faster algorithm for electromagnetic waves which should further double the speeds. Thanks Joe.

Conservatives and religion have been removed. They were causing harm to the simulation.

Tweaking salt levels in the oceans to provide more resources for mammals while not breaking existing aquatic life.

Increased atmosphere attenuation of UV bands to make light safer for dominant mammals, still too dangerous to look at directly.

Twerking salt

Well that's a new visual.

Pull request from Thanos: Add snap support @ 50% success rate ☠️

This opcode has been hacked & repurposed by user waddams.

Gravity has been reduced to facilitate space travel and just because it's super fun. Wheeeee!
Balances to priveledge have been made. Starting with the "Rich Parents" trait no longer grants as many bonuses or items, and skin color no longer affects starting relations with NPCs.
Adjusted temperature settings to mitigate extreme weather conditions affecting some locations on the map.
Re-added new flora and fauna from the paleolithic period due to popular demand.