Do not take me for a conjurer of cheap tricks

I used to be a huge advocate for “boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that’s why I shit on company time”, but now that I have a bidet at home, I would just as soon die that shit at the office. I’ll hold it until I get to a place where I can clean my asshole properly after

- Home is where ~~the heart is~~ ~~you poop most comfortably~~ you go when the Pub shuts.
- home is where you poop most comportably
Two words. Portable bidet. I have one everywhere i poop often and one to take with me for longer trips. They're good and cheap so why not.
- So you take an apparatus with you every time you use the bathroom away from home? I'm not judging, I'm just genuinely curious about how that works
I've never in my life been a baby wipe user... Untill I got a bidet at home. Now I stock work with them just so I can clock those work hours.
- They are really bad for pipes, and I don’t give a fuck about my employers pocket book, but I don’t want the poor custodial staff of the building to have to unclog pipes because of my asshole.
Use baby wipes. They work pretty good.

Ok, so I get the meme/reference - but I can't relate at all and need to ask. Is this a real thing?

I started drinking coffee only 5-6 years ago, have 2-3 cups in the morning. Sometimes nothing else, sometimes a little food. I have NEVER had to "run to the bathroom" due to coffee. Except to pee all the water out.

Am I broken?

I drink one cup of coffee in the morning. Once that cup is done I will definitely need access to a bathroom within the next hour or so. I've never had to "run" to the bathroom, but it does become quite... persistent after that
Caffeine is a stimulant and it creates bowel contractions. If it doesn't make you have to poop, it's probably due to your BM schedule. You might be one of those people who poop in the afternoon or something.
- I used to be an evening shitter until i developed a morning caffeine habit
It's a laxative for most people but apparently not all.
I assume you’re younger. It didn’t happen for me until after 40.
- I am 42M. Started drinking at 35. (Coffee)
if I ever drink coffee or anything with caffeine and I'm not really active after drinking it - I'll need the bathroom within an hour or so. If I'm active I've noticed this doesn't happen, though I don't drink caffeine often so it could be a coincidence.
I don't like coffee so I usually drink about one or two cups a day (when I am at work and don't wfh because the coffee is free) and I never had any problems with it.