My gf (f23) found an old video of me (m22) with an ex and wont talk to me now.
I am my gfs first partner, she is my second. The girl I dated prior (for 6 months) was a vlogger and for like 3 months made a lotta relationship and prank videos wth me which I was fine with at the time. Now my current gf is my first ever real crush and Ive been into her for a decade.
So my gf stalked my ex somehow, idk how consodering Im not on social media myself (this account is the literal exception). She then asked a LOT of questions about my ex, I dodged just about every question. After that she just pulled away and was distant and would barely talk to me or meet up. She finally told me she found my ex's yt channel and watched every single thing on there.
Now I think Ive been VERY understanding and comforting to her, reassuring her literally every day since, being very loving and romantic to the point of cringing myself out. But she never really got over what she saw, idk if she rewatched that stuff or not but it was def smth thats always been in the back of her mind. She also knows that I broke up with my ex since I was moving countries and not bc the relationship was bad.
Now for the terrible part, smth i truly did not remember was that me and my ex had made a more personal video which was still saved somewhere on my laptop. I absolutely did not know of this and if I did I woulda gotten rid of it. Now my gf has access to my laptop (with my approval ofc) and she somehow stumbled upon it, I caught her curled up in my bed absolutely bawling her eyes out with the video playing on my desk. I have never felt this disgusting.
This is the first time my gf has denied my hug for comfort or just been so repulsed by me, she wont touch me while i explained everything, I deleted said video infront of her and begged her for a week. First she told me she needed to think things over but knowing her she wanted me chasing and I did just that, second week Ive given her space and theres been no change. We have had 2 dry 5 min convos in the last week.
How do I fix this or make it upto her???
Tl;dr: Gf found an old personal video involving an ex and wont talk to me anymore.
TBH if this is being caused by just videos of you and your ex doing harmless things, it sounds like she’s not really ready for an adult relationship and needs to talk to a professional to handle it possibly.
The youtube videos were just romantic stuff mostly, the video she found on my laptop was of a more adult nature. I know she can be insecure bout my last repationship, but I think I'd react similarly if I was in her situation.
She literally went to try find something from an ex relationship abd then got upset she found it. You made that at the time you were with the person - I know my wife has a diary that discusses her exes when she was with them, and there is no way in hell im going to look into it.
You're in your second relationship so I'll fill you in on a detail from the outside - this isn't normal relationship behavior.
She was.looking for a reason to feel bad and she found it. That's not your fault OP. Your gf is very insecure and it has nothing to do with you, you're just the scapegoat. It seems like she's not ready for a serious relationship, and you may not be either, OP. There's no "making it up to her". Based on the very little bit of information present in this thread (take what I'm saying with a grain of salt because I may very well be 100%) it seems like y'all might have some codependency issues
Then why would she go looking for a video if someone that she knows will hurt her? Sex tape or not, she tried to find things from your old relationship and guess what - people who are dating fuck.
It's all the stuff before that they are refering to.
But still having that video is a major fuck up especially given everything else you've said. It basically confirms everything they were worried about I'm afraid.
You are correct to think she isn't "wrong" to feel this way, her experience is valid and she has a right to feel however she feels. It's her response and actions that I think are the problem here. If I found a sex tape of my spouse I might be upset, but if they immediately deleted the video and if it wasn't part of a pattern of infidelity I don't think it would be a big deal for me.
I honestly don't think you fucked up here, at least given the information that we have. If having that video was a mistake then you should have deleted it... which you did immediately as soon as you were reminded of the video existing. People forget things all the time, and IMO your response to becoming aware of it again sounds like it was perfect.
Simply put? You don't. She needs to get over this. Delete the video, of course, there's no reason to have it saved anymore anyway, but then she needs to get the fuck over the fact that you've been in a relationship before.
But be more open with her. You being evasive was not the best move and you need to account for that, but her digging into your past relationship was stupid she'll have to come to terms with that. You guys are young and you're making young people mistakes. You'll get through it.
She's insecure as hell, and that can be ok. People are all different, and maybe she just needs a bit of security right now, but fuck man how much of this shit do you want to eat?
You are going to need to find a line, and on the other side of it is a grown ass woman who doesn't care who you fucked before so long as you ain't gonna burn her. Whether that's the girl you're with now or not is up to her. And you.
Depends how many videos and how often the guy was in them. Plus how long their relationship was. It's not crazy to be curious to see what things your SO likes in another person.
I was in the videos for about 3-4 months, id say 10-15 videos. She had the channel from before that.
Issue is they were relationshipy videos, like a viral tiktok "prank" was just kissing your partner all day and she did that and put 10 mins of us just making out online. My gf 100% hated that, but also why watch it then???
Honestly, you both sound like you have some maturing to do. She's got insecurity/jealousy/stalkerish problems, and you're acting like you have something to hide (dodging her questions was your first mistake).
Based on your description, you didn't do anything wrong in your previous relationship. You don't need to hide or act like it's retroactive cheating.
By the same token, your girlfriend needs to learn to not ask questions when she doesn't actually want to hear the answers.
I'd suggest that you give her a bit more space. Give her time to miss you and to get over herself.
I just dont wanna say smth that might hurt her.
But yes I've long had a tendency of being secretive, it's smth several close friends of mine have mentioned too.
I'm trying to be as gentle and understanding of her as possible but it all comes down to her having issues with immaturity around relationships and trust issues.
First she went looking for trouble by stalking.
Then she found media if your previous relationship by accident.
Then she refuses to participate in healthy and reasonable discussion.
I'm trying to find a way that she's not at fault, but this is all her fault.
You are allowed to have had a life prior to meeting her, just as she's allowed to have had a life before you.
You will also have a life after each other.
If she can't put her big girl pants on and discuss an issue between immediately and 24 hours then that's bad behaviour on her part.
Far as I can see she's not yet mature enough to be in a relationship, and that's on her.
I don't know what you held back when she asked about your previous relationship, it might have been things that you're very much entitled to hold back... it not. You may or may not owe an apology for this, but she sure owes you an apology for her shitty behaviour.
I don't have a more polite way of putting this, and as a woman I just can't sympathize.
She fucked around and found out.
What was she expecting? I'm going to snoop into my boyfriend's most intimate moments with their ex, unprompted, and... THEN WHAT? CRY ABOUT IT? Your girlfriend is a dumbass. She hurts herself and then she takes it out on you? Not a single bit of this is your fault. If she's giving you grief, ignore her or exit the relationship if she can't get over it. Holy fuck I'm annoyed by this story.
Don't dodge your partner's questions about exes. Answer honestly. Don't chase -- this is ridiculous.
However, assure in the most non-blaming way positive that you want to be with her and why. And that you absolutely don't want your ex.
Now, given the situation, it's probably best to compose a long text message. Work on it offline. Give it some thought, don't just brain dump.
And then give her however much time she needs to either change her mind or not.
But essentially someone that insecure will have to work on it. With some of your help. An oh boy this will not be the last time a tantrum like that happens.
I don’t know that you can fix it because it sounds like her issue. I obviously don’t know the contents of the video but it sounds like you have done everything to assure her that you are committed to her and want to be in a relationship with her. People have pasts and if she cannot accept that then it is something she needs to work on not you.
Well, I can see how that would be upsetting. Definitely holding on to intimate videos of an ex is not a good idea. Still, if it was an honest mistake then it is still up to her to decide if she can move on. You have done all you can.
My post wasnt very clear, I'm sorry. I did dodge questions initially, after she saw everything on youtube I told her most things she wanted to know.
Also I broke up with my ex bc i was moving back to the country I'm in now and my gf knows this so she cant expect anything sus happening.
I could try giving her all the information she wants, but I don't think she'd like that.
We also live in a culture with arranged marriages and no talks of exs.
Plus there were some bizzare questions that I dont regret avoiding.
Is this about having the video, or that you had sex in a prior relationship? It should be about the first, but it sounds like it's about the second. That's deep seated insecurity on her part. Frankly she will have to accept that you had a prior relationship, you had sex, etc. You can be polite in this regard (sounds like you have been) and help her through it, but ultimately it's something that she will have to accept.
I think it's a combination of both factors for her, that we're not each others firsts and the fact that she saw it just made it too real and grossed her out.
And thanks, yes I've tried to be as suppprtive as I can.
She's got problems. She's torturing herself with old media of your previous relationship for no reason and resenting and blaming you for it. If she can't grow up you shouldn't have to deal with it.
She needs to grow up, accept that you had a previous relationship before this and that's ok.
You need to also accept that that's ok and stop acting like you've got something to hide. You're not protecting her or your relationship by doing that, you're just making yourself look suspicious and untrustworthy. #1 trait of every good relationship is trust, even if that means saying difficult things now and then. A relationship without trust is not one worth having.
Here's the thing, you were caught dodging questions about your ex (don't think for a second she didn't notice) and now she finds an intimate video on your laptop.
You have to realise how that can paint a very damning picture for her. The worst part wasn't the video, but the fact that you were dodging questions. If it wasn't for this, you could have explained it, but given how you were dodging questions about your ex, now she's going to doubt any answer you gave her.
There is a fundamental issue of if she can trust you. And you've painted a pretty damning picture.
If you want to address anything, address this part. Invite her to ask her anything and everything, even the parts you don't want to bring up.
My post wasnt very clear, I'm sorry. I did dodge questions initially, after she saw everything on youtube I told her most things she wanted to know.
Also I broke up with my ex bc i was moving back to the country I'm in now and my gf knows this so she cant expect anything sus happening.
I could try giving her all the information she wants, but I don't think she'd like that.
She absolutely can suspect something going on, and perhaps it might not be unreasonable to. Just because you're in different countries does not mean that feelings aren't there.
So you've got:
being initially unwilling to come forward with these details.
she knows you broke up for reasons that don't involve feelings going away
she found intimate videos of you two on your laptop.
I'm pretty sure her mind right now is filling in the blanks in the worst possible way right now, as people tend to do, and she may not know if she can trust your first answer. This is why dodging the questions initially was about the worst thing you could have done except for actually having something going on.
It sounds like she's convinced that things between you and this vlogger aren't over at all.
I think the first partner second partner is key here. The rest is just the result of that. Natural curiosity into your past and no experience to understand where that curiosity inevitably leads is a recipe for despair and jealousy on her part. As someone who was on the other side of an…investigation… like this she does need to wake up and understand that right now, you are her partner. I wouldn’t just let her suffer though, try to be more outward in terms of your dedication to her. She seems sad in the same way a person feels when they have lost a competition. It hurts more because you know someone else had more/did better than you. So, compete! Unfortunately she has seen your old relationship in detail—likely a distorted version bc social media. Maybe try to tell her about things that weren’t great in your old relationship. Tell her things she does better than the old girl, maybe how much more attractive you find her. What’s killer here is the contrast between what she feels she has and what she feels the other girl had. Wash away that contrast, even flip it.
Consider telling the truth and then reassuring? (even if it's stretching the truth a little. Better than straight lying)
"We had sex right away. I wish we had spent more time developing our relationship before it became physical" or "we waited to be intimate. At the time, I thought the sex was good, but I didn't realize what it could be until I experienced sex with you." There's no version in a young relationship with someone as inexperienced or insecure as you described where she's going to be able to handle the thought that it was as good / better with another woman. Just focus on how good it is with her / what a good connection you have with her.
"I did see myself possibly marrying her at the time. I'm so glad I didn't. I ended up exactly where I'm supposed to be." My husband was engaged before me. It was so hard early in our relationship, but I couldn't blame him for something that happened before he knew me. The only thing that actually helped: time.
From her perspective, her brain is basically responding in the same way as if she caught you having sex in person. I know you didn't cheat on her. She knows it too. But there's still a subconscious part that is going to respond that way because brains don't naturally understand video and real life. Depending on how new the relationship is, there may not be enough of a bridge to repair yet. Sometimes relationships fail through no fault of either party. Mistakes happen. It especially depends on how you acted on the relationship video and prank videos. Even if it was "for the camera", if you appear differently in those videos than now, she may not fully trust which version is you. It depends on how strong that foundation was beforehand and simply the ages of everyone involved. Young relationships are messy because no one has much life experience about what's happening, and a lot of times it's from TV, movies, and music.
Thanks yeah thats a good take.
I do appear different in the videos so far as consistency is concerned. I am similarly a cringe hopeless romantic with my gf but thats a more consistent personality in those videos which is impossible to keep up in real life.
Im sure a lot of other minor things about my personality have changed since too but that just happens.
My dude, you fucked up any trust you could have built with her when you "dodged just about every question" she asked about your ex.
If I asked about an ex and my boyfriend was dodgy about answering, and then I found a sex tape of them on his laptop, i wouldn't trust you either.
You can talk all you want, but if your actions don't match your words, that talk is useless. It means nothing.
From the way you speak about this, I get the feeling you kind if enjoy the drama. It's good you deleted the video, but if this girl decides to stay with you, I'd make damn sure my actions matched up to my words.
I dodged the questions before she had seen the yt videos, after that I was much more open woth information.
I also no longer live in the country where my ex is, I moved back home.
And I dont enjoy this drama, all it does is make me stressed throughout the day.
Why are you dodging questions at all? Like I see you answering that question elsewhere that it's not culturally done with you to talk about exs.... But that kind of a BS excuse. No one anywhere enjoys talking about past partners. Everywhere it's normal for people not to talk about relationships You should've put on your big boy pants and told her straight up whatever was on her mind.
Relationships take trust and if you are being evasive when she is looking for info that's a hell of a red flag to her. End of the day, it just sounds like you got something to hide. Perhaps then she would believe an honest mistake finding a more intimate video.
Although, frankly, the fact that you kept it all post break up is kinda gross. When a relationship ends, EVERYONE needs to delete EVERY adult piece of media they have. The fact that you didn't do this post break up is kinda gross and a red flag all by itself.
Friend, you planted a lot of landmines for your self. It's not a huge suprise they are blowing up.
I know, that's the problem. You sent up red flags by dodging questions about you ex in the first place. It makes everything after that way more sus than it should have been.
The answer is to explain all of this to her openly and honestly. If you do that and she truly can't accept the fact that you had an ex-girlfriend, that's a very different issue. Don't fall for the guilt and jealousy bullshit if that's what this is, at heart. Don't be evasive about it, but also don't let her weaponize your past as if you were wrong to have it.
You won't like this but you need to tell her you understand she is hurting and why, but that you are concerned that it seems like she isn't improving. Tell her you want to break up so that she can get better. This is unhealthy for both of you. Tell her you are open to starting the relationship again when she is able to talk through it all with you. Offer to help her find a counselor or therapist if she is open to the idea.
Dont say all that to her. Write it all down in your words on paper or email. Give it to her but tell her you will be waiting in the next room while she reads it.
Her reaction will dictate the course. If she decides suddenly she wants to talk about everything then be careful. If she clams up or reacts in a hostile way, break off the conversation and follow through with the break up.
She needs to address her feelings. A little bit of sulking is ok, but Sulking for two weeks is not. It's great that you have been so accommodating of her emotional needs, but after so long now you are enabling it to continue by not reacting.
But I really dont wanna break up and I dont wanna risk her saying ok lets break up. I just wanna fix this and I have told her that I understand how she feels and that I would be the same.
Then you are also in need of some self reflection. A few days of your partner neglecting you because of their emotional needs is understandable. Two weeks is really pushing it.
Do you care about her? Do you Carre about yourself? It's time for some tough love. Tough love isn't tough because it's mean, it's tough because it is hard for you and the person you love. The longer this goes on the stronger this fear of other girls stealing her boyfriend or her fears of inadequacy will become. Even if she suddenly decides she is being silly and just forces herself out of the funk, it will just return next time you are around an attractive girl.
She needs to figure these emotions out and deal with them properly. You can't let your fear of losing her forever stop you from helping her get help. Also this is your second relationship, you need to make sure your self worth is not tied to being in a relationship with this girl. Do the right thing, address the issue head on.
Thats a little long. I don't know you, her, or your relationship, but I would try talking to her. Try to figure out where to go, because it sounds like the relationship is damaged, but can still be repaired.
Tell her you feel like a jerk, you can only imagine how this whole thing has affected her emotionally, and that you think it would be a terrible way to walk away from an otherwise great relationship. Tell her whatever she decides, you'll let her lead the way, and mean it, because if she doesn't return your messages, or says no, they both mean "goodbye".
I'm sorry dude, but you're lying about knowing that video is there. I was pretty naughty before my wife and as soon as we got together I scrubbed everything that would be remotely inappropriate in a relationship. Most would do the same. So, I can't help but think you're lying and kept it for your secret spank bank. Which is gross.
Edit: nevermind. Saw the comment about the other video. That's messed up. Shows there's still a connection to her. Plus hiding the relationship by avoiding and dodging questions was a mistake.
Sounds like you are trying to act a certain way in front of your girlfriend so she will feel better. But you dont truly understand her feelings about this. The fact that you think dodging questions is a win for you... It's extreamly immature and I feel sorry for your girlfriend.
You are still at the stage where you think being a man is acting cool. You have a lot of growing up to do.
Maybe I'm a bit harch. Sorry. I just wish people wouldn't hurt eachother so much at your age. You all have no idea what you are doing.