complicated feelings
complicated feelings
This was originally posted as a comment under an image in 196,but due to the popularity of 196 I decided to move it to a (Hopefully) less federally public space, due to harassment concerns.
The image was a post saying,
I have so much love in my heart for trans girls like. girls girls girls literally omg youre a GIRL ISNT IT WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!! any girl who's been like wish was a girl" and then found out they actually ARE a girl is a precious jewel. I love girls
I love the idea of this, and I'm happy people can feel that way, but deep down inside me, I feel like I haven't "earned" the right to consider the possibility of calling myself a girl/woman.
People afab put up with so much shit and since I haven't felt that side of it it's like trying to be a part of a group that sees you as the enemy trying to act like one of them, you know? That may be extreme but I'm not good at words so that's the best way I can think to phrase the feeling.
Anyone else feel this way?
I will add that I have known and worked with several ftm trans people and don't really have the same feelings the other way around. Basically something "you seem like a dude as far as I can tell/am aware/concerned"
Trans women are women. We suffer under patriarchy too, indirectly before we transition and directly after we do. We also suffer under cisgendernormativity throughout our whole lives.
We are not the enemies of women. We are women. Cisgender women and transgender women share female solidarity, and we are and always will be allied. Cisgender women and girls (and those perceived that way) are oppressed through patriarchy and misogyny their whole lives. But we suffer from it too. We should have solidarity for each other's lived experiences. Its the transphobic people who are trying to portray us as enemies. They are wrong. Any feminist, any enemy of patriarchy, understands how transphobia negatively affects cisgender men and women too.
I guess enemy was probably a poor choice of word(wording is hard). Somewhat like, I don't feel good enough, and I definitely don't look the part. On the physically masc - femme scale my body is like 99% masc
I don't suffer under the patriarchy
goes on to describe ways she suffers under the patriarchy
Is the butchest biker bull dyke who ever lived, a woman?
It's not about meeting some ideal before you can consider yourself a woman. We come in all shapes and sizes. You are not your body, you are your mind, which happens to have a body, which in at least some ways does not suit the mind that is you. Don't conflate the mutable meat Gundam you pilot, for your self.
You not feeling good enough to be a woman because of your body is because of transmisogyny. Many cisgender women feel their bodies aren't worthy due to perceived physical masculinity.
How far are you into transitioning? I felt that way early on but several years of transitioning later and yeah I’ve dealt with enough misogyny that I don’t.
I'm not sure it that's comforting or not 😅 Definitely coming from a pretty privileged position.
As far as transitioning I'm stuck somewhere between "Am I a girl?" & "cis people don't ask about it this long" 🙃😵💫
For what it's worth I'm in a similar place as yourself and have had pretty much the exact same thoughts about transitioning. I'm coming to terms with the fact that the only person who has to live my life is me and if transitioning can make me happier then I owe it to myself to explore my options at least. Hope you can figure out what works for you and live your best life ♥️
Lol yeah you’re in for some fun. There’s a reason trans women are disproportionately militant feminists
The fun part of transitioning is that you'll get both traditional misogyny and new, unique flavors!
Seriously though, joining a group of people that you aren't used to being in will always feel weird, but luckily that goes away with familiarity. I feel like my advice is always the same though, which is to find a therapist informed on gender issues if you can afford one.
Fortunately, I do have a great therapist, who is on their own gender journey.
Another issue I've come to realize is basically always feeling like the one person trying to force themselves into a group they don't really belong in. Even ones I was in for years and felt pretty close to the people in it. Like the thought is always there. "I don't really fit in here"
You're undoing a lifetime of internalised transphobia and misogyny. That doesn't go away overnight, even when you recognise it for what it is. Undoing it is also the work of a lifetime
A lifetime?!
I think I'm realizing internalized opression(the generalized term b idk wtf all is going on) has been my hold up for a while. Like I'm spinning my wheels but can't make and progress.
Also, as dumb as it may sound(always discounting myself) it's always kind of an honor to have you acknowledge a post. I thank you girls so much for this instance! It has been a life saver these past couple of months.
A lifetime?!
Sorry, that sounded a bit more doom and gloom than I meant. What I was trying to get at is that we've always got internalised bullshit going on, and we spend our lives unlearning it. But it's a journey, not a destination. We don't ever get to the point where we don't have anymore work to do.
Which is really meant to say that you should try and give yourself time without being too hard on yourself if you don't get there instantly, and that's as true today as it will be in 50 years. :)
Also, as dumb as it may sound(always discounting myself) it’s always kind of an honor to have you acknowledge a post. I thank you girls so much for this instance! It has been a life saver these past couple of months.
I'm just happy that communities like this have popped up. It's nice to have a safe haven with folk who walk the same path :)
You feel like you haven't "earned" the right to call yourself a woman because you haven't been through what a cis woman does (which I don't think is true but that's what I think you're saying), yet you prefer to move out of very public space to talk about this? This would indicate that you have been through some sort of adversity regarding your identity, and yes, it may not be the exact brand of adversity a cis woman would feel (ask yourself if every individual woman has experienced the same adversity. Yes there are obvious patterns but you know what I'm saying), you are saying that one must fight for their gender, that you have fought for yours, but yet don't deserve it.
The first part sounds accurate. It's like, I'm not good enough to be included, you know?
I haven't directly had any issues on here, but I wanted to prevent it since that community seems popular and all over the fediverse.
I feel a similar way occasionally. I think you have to relate to womanhood not in terms of suffering but in terms of joy sometimes.
That is a good way to look at it. Although, I don't know how well I relate to anyone in terms of joy 😂 Until a few years ago I didn't realize how depressed I had been how much of the time,and til the last month or so have never felt less depressed for this long.
Oh my god yes I relate to this post so much, I'm still questioning but I'm so afraid of feeling like an intruder
I know this is an old thread, but the book Whipping Girl by Julie Serano may be a good read. Book is about trans misogyny and touches on some of the feelings you shared.
I too feel like I haven't earned womanhood. Not from lack of harassment, I grew up neurodivergent and redheaded. But there's some other X factor I feel like I'm missing but can't put my finger on. Nope, you not alone.