How do I get respite from my elderly neighbor invading my space?
How do I get respite from my elderly neighbor invading my space?
Every time I go outside to my yard, my elderly neighbor comes out and tries to talk with me. Every. Single. Time. Without fail. I go out to relax and do gardening and yard work, and his presence makes me increasingly anxious & leaves me feeling particularly uncomfortable/unsafe.
He is dealing with dementia, and has become increasingly vulgar and outspoken, and even made some vastly inappropriate remarks about his wife & my other neighbor while my child was right there.
His wife is tired. I know this. Christ, I would be, too. He was kind of insufferable even before the dementia got bad (think him talking about his shitty political views), but, god.. I am so tired of babysitting him while I try to unwind in my own yard. He'll talk over the fence or simply waltz past it and follow me around while I try to do stuff or as I'm trying to talk to my kid.
One thing I know is this: do not piss off your neighbors, because, chances are, you will probably be living next to them for a looooong time.
What can I do? I just want peace without feeling like I'm being accosted.
This is received wisdom so take with a gain of salt. Dementia people respond to emotion. So if you're really nice and happy they will be too. If you're mad, even justifiably so, they just mirror that back at you.
Maybe try just base manipulation. "Oh hi neighbor, so good to see you, could you go inside please?" In just like a real friendly tone. Maybe have a snack and tell him to go eat it inside.
That sounds practical! Did the advice come from someone with personal experience with folks who have/had dementia?
No idea where this person got this advice but it sounds spot on. A close relative of mine works with dementia patients, and I know from them that confusion and frustration are the main emotions the patients are experiencing.
I completely get where you're coming from and wanting it to stop is fair enough, but also keep in mind it's almost certain there is no malice there, or even understanding, just helplessness.
I don't know where you are, but it might be worth seeing if there are any local organisations that support people with dementia and their families, and putting them in touch with the wife, sounds like they could both use a significant amount of help.
Yes full disclosure it was a YouTube guy who shared, not personal experience. How open and detailed he was stuck with me: https://youtu.be/jRltbhRO-sY
Option One (Lawful Neutral):
Always be wearing headphones.
Just pretend you cannot hear him, and then if he is so annoying as to come around and see you visibly, you have a visual indicator that you are listening to a book or music or something.
Option Two (Chaotic Evil):
You now also have dementia / gaslight his dementia.
Who are you? Why are you talking to me? Don't you remember you left the stove on? Wow, look at at all the beautiful butterflies! (there are no butterflies). Don't forget about your doctor's appointment, its in 10 minutes!
Option Three (Neutral Good):
Suggest a variety of low physicality hobbies to him.
Coin collecting. Model Trains. Amateur Astronomy etc.
Ideal outcome is he manages to get absorbed into something that sticks and this results in less time being annoyed by him, and when he does talk to you it is more likely to be less random, and about said hobby. Further, if he can become attached to some hobby, you are likely bringing joy to his life and giving his wife a bit of a break.
Option Four (Absolute Chaotic Madness):
Inject him with Compound V.
Not a lot to do with dementia aside from talking with their caretakers. My FIL got on this kick that I stole his $5 Walmart sunglasses and it became pretty aggressive for a while. It kind of cycled for a while between him forgetting he was mad at me and ruining a weekly family dinner with accusations. I didnt hold it against him, its a shitty disease and hes not the man I've known for the past 15 years.
Dementia sucks. Try being direct, but politely, and tell him that you can't talk right now and hopefully they understand. Or realize when they get to this point they have about 12 months left in the tank.
It's so tough, isn't it? I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through.
Thank you for your advice. I hope you've been able to find peace through it all.
In your situation, I would try giving him something that needs to go inside or something to share with his family. It's harder to stay outside chatting when you're holding something awkward. Next time he comes out, do a little polite small talk and then try offering a bowl of potato salad or some other food or dessert that's somewhat heavy or needs to go in the fridge, and you'll simultaneously be both a nice, kind neighbor and have an excuse to constantly nudge him to go back inside. "That's pretty heavy, you should get that inside", "it's been nice chatting but you should go put that in the fridge", "I bet your family would like to try that, do you want to see if your wife wants some?".
Maybe he'll go inside and then come back out again, but if it works you have an "out" that keeps things friendly. It's worth trying at least once to see if it works.
Something I'd suggest looking into is gentle redirection for dementia patients. Dementia patients respond very poorly to "no", "you're wrong", "that doesn't exist anymore" type statements. Instead there are techniques where you agree with them, make positive suggestions, and agree with their nonsense to get them to do what you want
For example: when a dementia patient starts trying to walk to the grocery store instead of saying "you can't walk to the grocery store, it's 15 miles away and you shamble like a zombie" you'd say "Oh you know what, I need something from the grocery store too! How about I go with you?" Then after they likely agree you say "Oh shoot, I forgot I'm in the middle of cooking something. Can you go back inside and I'll come back in an hour to go with you?" They forget you said that, rinse and repeat
So for this guy as he's shouting his nonsense, don't necessarily agree, but say things like "wow, I didn't know about that", "I heard that's a serious problem." Then say "I actually heard something crazier than what he said, why don't you go look into that and tell me what you think later" or if you want to turn it around on his wife you can say that she told you things and that he should go ask her for more information
You had me until
or if you want to turn it around on his wife
The woman is clearly having a hard enough time, and what exactly is "it" OP should be "turning around" on her? Her husband's slow and agonizing decline which she has no control over and the strain it is already having on both their lives? Who even thinks like that?
He is dealing with dementia, and has become increasingly vulgar and outspoken, and even made some vastly inappropriate remarks about his wife & my other neighbor while my child was right there.
His wife is tired. I know this. Christ, I would be, too. He was kind of insufferable even before the dementia got bad (think him talking about his shitty political views), but, god.. I am so tired of babysitting him while I try to unwind in my own yard. He'll talk over the fence or simply waltz past it and follow me around while I try to do stuff or as I'm trying to talk to my kid.
That's behavior his wife is clearly ignoring, and that's what I'm suggesting he turn around on her. OP has no obligation to this man and the woman who does clearly is failing at hers. Is it sad what's happening to these people? Yes. That doesn't make it OP's problem to deal with. Likewise, dementia patients often become violent and it sounds like this is an already angry man, why should OP put himself or his family in the middle of it? How will that end well for them?
I'll also point out I had one of the kinder solutions posted in this thread between "ignore him", "build a big ass fence", "fake an infectious disease", and "cartoon violence". I made a kind suggestion and offered a slightly less kind way to use it to make this less of a problem for OP
How are your carpentry skills? Because a fence is definitely justified.
He'll talk over the fence or simply waltz past it and follow me around
At this point a trebuchet may be in order.
A trebuchet is always in order.
Don't tempt me.
Or just a higher fence. To keep those darn immigrants out, you know.
Installing a taller fence would block out the sunlight the plants & flowering bushes need + I use for my clothesline.
What about installing a taller yard? Have the tallest yard around, amaze your friends, astound your neighbors!
Gotta stay civil. He knows where I live.
Use gasoline instead of water
Wear headphones and/or pretend he doesn't exist? Make your fence taller? If his wife is still mentally sound, discuss it with her?
I've worn headphones before, and he'll just stand at the fence and watch me intensely until I acknowledge him. Absolutely unnerving.
I've mentioned it to his wife, but she's tired. She just sighs and says "Yeah, he's just like that. Plus, you know, he's got dementia." and shrugs it off.
I was going to suggest headphones too
Blood capsules. A couple dozen. Pouch one in your cheek every time you go outside. Begin to cough blood every time he talks to you, then hurry back inside.
After the first incident he'll be more eager to talk to you. After it happens eight times, he'll start to avoid you.
What about "Hey l'm so sorry I really can't talk right now, I have to finish the yardwork before [some excuse] but I can stop by tomorrow to chat for a few minutes."