Sorry that it has taken me a long time to respond, I've been at the cabin, away from my phone.

Yeah the problem is that because of the history of discrimination we don't have words for relatively harmless discriminatory tendencies. So if I were to say

I have racist tendencies

it sounds like I'm admitting to being a "capital R" racist, when what I mean is,

I was taught incorrect stereotypes by media as a child, and sometimes despite my best efforts to be egalitarian, these biases cause me to make bad judgements. I try to notice when this happens, to make sure I treat people fairly.

Yeah I'm not saying anyone is a jerk for having sexual interest only with feminine people with vaginas and boobs, I'm just saying that it's kinda trans-erasure (and therefore technically transphobic) to say

I'm exclusively attracted to cis-women

Because a person doesn't know the assigned birth sex of every woman they've ever been attracted to.

OurToothbrush was offended because she is a transwoman and attracts men that think they're exclusively attracted to cis-women. She's on the front line of transphobia, and searching for a partner puts her at a too real risk of being murdered by a transphobe.

Yeah it sounds like absolution is a relevant term. People like to think that there are only biological males and biological females and that's that. It's not that simple. People like to think that there are racists and non-racists and that's that. It's not that simple. People like to think that there are transphobes and non-transphobes and that's that. It's not that simple. To me, being an ally is is about supporting a community to defeat unfair discrimination. Imo supporting individuals with friendship isn't exactly the same but it's better than nothing.

Sorry that it has taken me a long time to respond, I've been at the cabin, away from my phone.

Yeah the problem is that because of the history of discrimination we don't have words for relatively harmless discriminatory tendencies. So if I were to say

I have racist tendencies

it sounds like I'm admitting to being a "capital R" racist, when what I mean is,

I was taught incorrect stereotypes by media as a child, and sometimes despite my best efforts to be egalitarian, these biases cause me to make bad judgements. I try to notice when this happens, to make sure I treat people fairly.

Yeah I'm not saying anyone is a jerk for having sexual interest only with feminine people with vaginas and boobs, I'm just saying that it's kinda trans-erasure (and therefore technically transphobic) to say

I'm exclusively attracted to cis-women

Because a person doesn't know the assigned birth sex of every woman they've ever been attracted to.

I believe that if the people that maliciously adopt fake pronouns had to deal with people actually using the fake pronouns they would clarify and retract their transphobic fake pronouns.

nAmE tHrEe oF hEr sOnGs!!11!!

It wasn't the age, it was the cognitive decline. The sort of cognitive decline that makes it difficult for a person to form coherent sentences, and absorb new information, answer questions instead of falling back to talking points. It wasn't that he had been getting worse for years, it's that it's this bad now, imagine what it will be like in 4.5 years.

Conservative Americans deserve a better candidate than Trump.

As a person that actually torrented a Linux iso on Friday, thank you! Lol

We put blackout cell shades in our east facing mud room and they made a big difference. You want something with a reflective component, not just like curtains.

I think the best would be something external, like shutters.

Yes saying that you're exclusively attracted to cis women is an easy short hand.

I think OurToothbrush is frustrated with the erasure of transwomen that you fail to identify as trans.

I think when you said:

I had never met a transfem whose body I found attractive.

You don't actually know if you've ever found a trans-woman attractive because you don't know the birth details of every women you've ever found attractive. Some of them could be trans.

It's not something I was particularly cognizant of either before seeing OurToothbrush's reaction.

I think I would have trouble getting it up for a blow job from a smoking hot women after I learned she had a penis. I'm willing to concede that that is technically transphobic. I don't think it changes the fact that I am an ally of the trans rights movement.

Just say you're a cis-het male ally and I think everyone will know what you mean. It's too bad this has been sick an ugly experience, it's still a hell of a lot easier than gender dysphoria.

Hey MapleEngineer,

I've seen you around before and know you're acting in good faith, and I believe you're an ally, or at least a potential ally, to the trans community.

I'm chiming in here because I replied to OurToothbrush earlier to give her a cis-het male ally's perspective, and suggest that she might have more success with a less confrontational strategy.

She suggested I might have better luck explaining her objection to you, or at least that she would appreciate me trying to help you understand her point.

Both your comments are coming fast and furious so I'm trying to respond to your latest.

So here goes:

Your basic point was that you're exclusively interested in cis-women, and that this is a preference you have, everyone is entitled to preferences so what's the big deal. It doesn't mean you're not an ally.

Life is complex. Just as there's nobody that's purely "racially white" (race isn't real, but that's beside the point, or maybe it is the point....), there's nobody that's purely female or male. Obviously most people's bodies develop either testicles or ovaries not both, but: there is a sizable portion of the population where it's not so clear cut. Ultimately: Every person has mutations in their DNA that skew their body towards and away from what's considered masculine/feminine.

While sexual orientation towards masculine/feminine people doesn't seem to be strongly influenced by culture (ie I don't think you can raise a kid to be gay), what a person perceives to be masculine/feminine/trans IS strongly a product of their culture and conditioning.

Viewing sexuality and gender through the framework I laid out above and considering her experiences may help you understand why OurToothbrush sees transphobia where you see sexual preference.

OurToothbrush's experience seems to be that lots of 'cis-het-men' say they aren't attracted to trans-women, but are in fact attracted to trans-women like her. When they discover that she is a trans-woman they have very negative reactions. Since the (former) suitors were attracted to her until they guessed she was assigned male at birth, but before they had learned the status of her genitalia, how can she conclude anything other than transphobia? Do you see how their reaction is basically the same as your statement?

I pointed out to her that transphobia and homophobia are beaten into men/boys and if they have a negative reaction to learning that a women that they're attracted to was assigned male at birth, it doesn't mean they aren't allies, just that they haven't unlearned that phobic conditioning. It's a type of internalized latent transphobia that has infected me too. I don't dwell on it because as a person in a committed monogamous relationship for over half of my life, it is unlikely to matter, and I suspect it would be a monumental undertaking to unlearn. The effort is better spent healing rifts between allies.

Can you understand why when someone says "I'm exclusively interested in cis-women" a person with OurToothbrush's experiences might hear "trans-women are gross".

Tldr; I think I see where you're both coming from. We cis-het-men are notoriously fragile, especially when our allyship is questioned. I think it will be more effective for people trying to point out people's latent transphobia to take an educational/ collaborative tone at first, and it's something I'm going to try to do a better job of helping people understand.

Honestly, thank you two for having this spat so that I could map it out in my head better, I'm not sure I've done the best job typing it out though. You're both welcome to tell me to fuck off.

Having read about your experiences (elsewhere in the thread, you hadn't posted them when I started my prior comment) I understand your reaction better.

I'll try to explain it to MapleEngineer.

France under DeGaulle?

Edit to add: It's not an assertio, it's a question I don't know the answer to.

Are you nitpicking an ally for using "exclusive" instead of "principal"?

MapleEngineer doesn't actually know for sure that he has never been attracted to a trans woman. So it's important to correct him when he says he has an exclusive sexual interest in cis-women.

Is that your point? That failing to acknowledge the nuance that sexuality exists on a spectrum must be addressed confrontationally because it's erasure?

Transphobia and homophobia are too often literally (yes, I mean literally) beaten into men. We have to work to unlearn it. If an ally says he wouldn't be able to keep it up if he learned the woman he was courting was assigned male at birth, believe him, but don't discount him as an ally. Imo your efforts are better spent combating active transphobia than policing your allies. If their terminology hurts you, suggest better ways to articulate their points but do it collaboratively instead of confrontationally.

Just my two cents.

Ha guess why I'm on lemmy right now.

"Ultimately, you're just getting the same care for a higher cost with less oversight because it's happening in a private facility."

Yes, but only the rich get it. Which means that the rich actually DO get it. Which is why political donors like the policy.

Instead of a properly funded system where everyone gets the healthcare they need, or an underfunded system where the care available is distributed according to patients' need (at least nominally).

They want a public system that's just barely adequate to hold revolution at bay, AND a separate system where care can be distributed according to patients' cash.

Honestly I'd be happy to examine my behavior, because my support for the trans community is real. I don't think I'm on trial but if you want me to provide evidence I can.

I don't agree with the strategy of the previous poster which was to intentionally mislabel Elon. But I think it is appropriate to ironically adopt someone's insincerely adopted pronouns. That said, I'd be happy to read an explanation of why this is a bad strategy.

Cheers.

This sort of comment from a premier under mines the little leverage Canada has in the situation.

I think the actual action is to engage with the democratic political process.

So yes, vote. But also go to town hall meetings, and park board meetings, and parent advisory council meetings. Write a letters to your representatives, and then go to one of their events and tell them what you think of their response.

As a man, I think it's the sort of experience that men struggle to understand because of patriarchal dynamics.

What I mean is: if a doctor were to:

• ask me if I have considered other forms of birth control
• and then explain all the different birth control methods to make sure I actually understand,
• ask if I've talked about the decision with my wife,
• and then explain that a general impression of her opinion isn't the same thing as sitting down together and reviewing all the data,
• ask if understand how the surgery will affect my body
• and then explain the hormonal changes my body would go through
• etc

before agreeing to schedule a vasectomy.

Interpretting these questions through the lens of my lived experience:

These are thorough but pragmatic questions. The doctor is trying to make sure I understand all the options. The doctor is a peer with special expertise and wants to make sure that I understand all the risks.

But women too often grow up in an environment which tells them:

• Women should trust the men in their lives too make the best decisions for them.
• That having children is the most important thing they can do in the world.
• A woman's value is proportional to her utility as a wife and mother.
• Women that have sex for fun are disgusting sluts.

So when they get asked a barrage of questions identical to the ones I'dve been asked, they experience them very differently. Women are not irrational to hear the exact same questions very differently if they are interpreting them through the lens of their experiences. Maybe they experience those questions as:

• "Why don't you just stop having so much sec you slut?"
• "Don't you know how to have sex with out getting pregnant you dumb bitch?"
• "Do you have your husband's permission?"
• "Does your husband know you're a slut?"
• "Do you understand that you will be destroying your value to society if you don't have kids?"
• "Do you understand that you will become any even crazier bitch after this?"

And too often, the doctor really does mean that.

Edit to add: I'd value other people's takes too.

Everybody should also know that the Communist Manifesto is different from Marx's magnum opus Capital.

I just want to point out that saying things to people with the intent of making them fear for their life, is probably a crime.

If OP is worried for real, maybe a restraining order is possible.

Not because a religious judgement really means anything violent (or even specific) but because there is someone trying to intimidate OP.