Dad Jokes
-
Hey, you want to see an antelope?
Calvin: Hey Hobbes, want to see an antelope?
Hobbes: (Running, following Calvin) An antelope?!
Calvin: C'mon!
(Calvin and Hobbes arrive at an anthill, kneeling down next to it)
Calvin: See, she's coming down the ladder to her boyfriend's car!
(Hobbes sits, crossing his arms, looking annoyed)
Calvin: You're not laughing.
Hobbes: It's not funny.
-
Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
TRANSCRIPT:
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel? Pet Store: Aluminum I think Me: So there's no nickel in this cage? Pet Store: Don't you dare! Me: It's a nickleless cage Pet Store: GET OUT!
[pictured is a long-haired Nicholas Cage, looking fabulous in the sun and wind. To his left, it's captioned with the text "Worth it"]
-
I used to have a toilet brush, but I traded it with my friend Bob for a push broom he got from his friend Pam.
I guess you could say I swapped Bob a loo mop and got Pam's broom.
-
I don't understand people who buy shampoo.
Can't they afford the real stuff?
-
What do bees do when it's very hot outside?
They take off their yellowjackets.
-
Not all construction jobs are equally engaging.
For example, drilling or enlarging a hole can be boring, but fixing two pieces of metal together is often riveting.
-
TIL that Albert Einstein was a real person!
Up until now I thought he was only a theoretical physicist!
-
In the heart of the Rocky Mountains was a monastery.
It was founded by a group of monks from the southern USA. Rather than building a chapel, they chose to live in a series of underground tunnels. The nearest town only saw the elusive monks once a year, when they would break their usual stoic diet and make traditional southern fried chicken for everyone in town.
They were known as the deep friars.
-
Girls, if you visit a guy and he's got a large piece of red cloth tied to a long stick, be very wary!
That's a huge red flag, that is!
-
My father spilled invisible ink all over himself.
He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.
-
Dad Jokes Ruined by Gentle Parenting
www.mcsweeneys.net Dad Jokes Ruined by Gentle ParentingWhat are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays! But they also have their own strengths, and they should be pro...
> I bought a thesaurus, but all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am. > >Whoa, let’s pause here. Can you help me name my emotions? That’s right, I’m mad. What else? Confused. Annoyed. Good. Thanks, buddy. I’m sorry I scared you—I just really wanted to use this thesaurus to find the right words for my construction joke. But even grown-ups get angry sometimes. We’re all learning.
-
To kill a French vampire you have to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sure, it sounds easy, but the process is painstaking!
-
You know one thing they don't tell you about having kids ...
... It's how often you have to get up from where you're sitting. It's unbelievable.
-
Eugene Levy invited me to a pool party at his house, but when I got there in my Volt nobody was swimming.
I drove my Chevy to the Levys', but the Levys were dry.
-
Being a lawyer is hard.
Today, I had an arbitration meeting, and when I walked in with a bag full of Big Beef and Cheddars with Horsey sauce, my client fired me!
