Don't use AccuWeather. It is a bad company run by a bad man.
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
This is still my favorite copypasta of all time
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Funny, I remember when public warnings were broadcast on public broadcast systems and didn't cost individuals an out-of-pocket expense to be warned they might fucking die.
Capitalism is eating itself, it's become an Ouroboros.
Hell are you on about?! Just got this a few minutes ago. I don't watch TV or listen to the radio, but I'm certain the alert can be found there as well. My free weather app is kickass and gives me alerts.
Complaining about being forced to buy something that's actually free is peak lemmy. I got no problem with selling shit to people dumb enough to buy it.
Yes, right now you can free weather forecasts. But what happens when the institutions that actually provide the data for these other services are taken over by capitalists? What happens if the current administration kills NOAA and NWS for being unprofitable?
If you've been paying attention, this isn't a far-fetched thought.
Trump and Elon DOGE are going to after NoAA hard as it doesn’t align with their denial and lies of climate change that they fed for years through “entertainment news”
Person who doesn't exist: "....we will never be able to repay you, subscription emergency warning system"
CEO: "We are going to make sure that isn't true. You'll repay us and then some. Don't worry.""
Fucking disgusting.
I got an ad recently for me to be able to bet on climate disasters.
We are somehow past accepting it to be real and straight into monetization by the rich while the peasants are still catching up from all the propaganda that it was fake.
Fuck this.
Some source information:
https://fedia.io/m/[email protected]/t/1783298/-/comment/9344424
I'm glad I don't live in a place that experiences many natural disasters.
I feel sympathy for the people who are going to be fucked by this despite voting against privatization of weather information.
And I'll have popcorn ready for those who voted for this or abstained, when it inevitably fucks them over.
The democrats were and have never been anti-privitization in the long term. In late stage capitalism you must privitize because you must seek new avenues for profit. So don't laugh at the less fortunate victims of the system that will eat you too. Even the ones you think were asking for it dickhead
This both sides bullshit is what got us here. Yes, the democrats are shit. But we wouldn't have gotten here without republican lead efforts to privatize everything.
So don’t laugh at the less fortunate victims of the system that will eat you too.
I explicitly explained that I wouldn't.
Even the ones you think were asking for it dickhead
Some are very clearly are asking for it. I will shed no tears for them.
