Empty mind, empty feelings
Empty mind, empty feelings
Hey everyone. Lately, I've been trying to learn more about ADHD (I was diagnosed with the inattentive type as an adult), and there are a few aspects that confuse me, so I'd like to know if there are others out there in a similar situation who might be able to guide me a bit. Unlike what I've read about people with ADHD, my train of thought isn't chaotic, with one thought overlapping another or constantly jumping between ideas. In fact, I often find myself not thinking anything at all, with total calm in my head. This happens both in relaxed situations (which isn't a bad thing) and in moments when I need to focus, like during work meetings, where I'll suddenly realize I've been zoned out for the last few minutes (not thinking at all) and completely lost track. On top of this, combined with the "if it's not now, it doesn't exist" mindset, my emotional world feels... "stable." Stable because neither the future nor the past is "now," so those emotions just fade away. All of this has left me feeling like my life is somehow out of my control. I feel like a little twig floating down a river, content to end up wherever the current takes me, unable to steer toward where / actually want to go. It's pretty disheartening, honestly. I'd love to know if there are others out there who feel this way -people living in a sort of emotional and mental void that only kicks into gear when alarms start blaring
Do you ever feel like everything is meh, with only the extreme ups and downs having any impact on you?
It's something that I've been noticing about myself lately.
For the most part everything is just "normal". If you ask what I want for supper, I don't care. And I honestly don't. Aside from a few things that I REALLY don't like, anything will be fine. Little annoyances, and small victories just feel like boring everyday typical events, and only the "THIS IS A HUGE PROBLEM THAT WILL DESTROY MY LIFE" or "THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED!" give me any sort of emotional variance.
Your post doesn't directly reference this, but it reminded me of it. And I wanted to keep this concept separate from my Tao of Pooh recommendation.
Smacks of depression. Or at least how I feel when I’m depressed.
The first sign, for me, is a lack of excitement for upcoming events I really should be hyped for.
If you find an ongoing lack of emotion, except for the extremes, maybe speak to someone about that. It really helped me.
I have inattentive type adhd as well, and was also diagnosed as an adult. I think It's normal to feel frustrated/disheartened as you grapple with it. I also recently mentioned to someone that I think I may have an emotional range that's narrower than typical.
My wife, doctor, occupational therapist (I'm on short term disability because my I developed an anxiety problem that was causing me to spiral), and lawyer (I was told there isn't a job for me to come back to when I'm better) all delicately danced around the prospect of depression/suidality. I'm lucky that I have some great things in my life that make it easy to tackle those questions head on.
Talk to a specialist.
I can relate to this. I lived with this brain of mine for almost 40 years before I realized that it wasn't like everyone else's. I never thought I was ADHD, because there wasn't chaos in my brain. I wasn't bouncing around the room uncontrollably during school. NOBODY ever told me that sitting quietly and doodling in your notebook all day was a symptom.
My brother, who knows me better than anyone, told me about a book he had just read. The Tao of Pooh. He said, this sounds exactly like you!
At the time, I had heard of Taoism, but couldn't have told you anything about it. I won't do the concept justice in a few sentences here, but at it's core, it is the philosophy of "floating down the river"
Tao of Pooh is a very small book. (And if you're like me, that matters A LOT) You could easily finish it in a day or two if you don't have much going on. I highly recommend it for a deeper perspective on how to appreciate and enjoy the "float down the river". Oh, and yes, the Pooh, is Winnie the Pooh. From the books, not the Disney.
The zoning out part sounds like disassociation. It's kinda like your brain flatlines or something for a second? I run into that and my psychiatrist prescribes the Strattera generic for it. I would advise speaking with a professional about it. I jumped around between a few different prescriptions before that.
I think I've experienced a similar things with the emotional void and aimlessness. Took some years to process past trauma that I think was the cause and I think things are looking up, relatively. If you haven't already, speaking with a therapist would be a good idea. If nothing else, it'll help you by just letting you say things out loud so you can hear it. Rubber ducking, basically. Therapists also have good advice and feedback, usually, too.
ADHD often has comorbidity with other disorders.