Lemmy users who feel the heaviness of depression, what issue in your life weighs you down the most?

I wanna start by saying I'm not under it these days but I've been in the hole. ironically it's precisely the thing in your drawing. I have been well loved in my life, lots of friends - I'd even go so far as to say the hub. But over time, and finally me moving to a new city by myself after a divorce, I found myself utterly alone, but also invisible. I'd try so hard to reach out and make connections - and low key, I don't think weird. But it feels to me like people don't trust a middle aged single guy. Or it really is just me. and where I think I used to attract people to me - I'm not sure that I actively repel them - because I do have good passing interactions - I think they just don't remember me, or yeah that a single middle aged guy just doesn't fit in well. Like I'm invisible.

It's been about 10 years like this now. And I'm starting to get, I don't know used to it I guess. But it makes life feel so very long. If I'm roughly half way done, and the entire second half is gonna be like this. That feels like a long long time.

Without going into too much details, I'd say that I am in a situation reeaaaaaaaaaally close to yours. You may feel invisible, but I see you. Thank you for sharing.
I understand feeling a little off, a little bit outside of everything and everyone. I feel like I've never been anyone's #1 choice to spend time with. Not my family, friends, husband, or kids. Never. It gets to me, even though I get it and don't want to spend time with myself either. It's tough. I hope you can find a good group of friends that you click with and can at least have fun experiences, even if you have periods of being alone in between.

Also, for the record, the weird dudes have no idea they're weird. If you're conscious about how you approach people, I'm already 100% sure you're not the problem. As we get older, everyone's lives are so busy and already entrenched in whatever they have going on that it's tougher to make deep friendships. Although I do see it happen again in the retired crowd. I like to go salsa dancing sometimes (well.. I did last year. I don't find joy in anything right now tbh), and most of the others that go are in their 50s+, with a lot in their 60s and 70s. So I guess life doesn't end at 40 after all?

Good luck, internet stranger.
I feel this so hard. I’m in a great marriage and I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter, but I have almost no friends. I have some in passing, but no one I would feel comfortable calling if things went south. It’s an awful feeling. I reached out to a handful of people on social media to reconnect and didn’t hear back from any of them. Being a middle aged man, myself, it feels like people are very wary of someone my age having not found his “tribe” yet. Like there’s something wrong with me because I don’t have a group. It sucks.
I feel you mate. Not there yet though I can see this happening to me in the future. Trying my best to build a strong group of friends around me. I hope it’ll be enough to not become a hermit with neighbours.

The rampant discrimination and racism my migrant wife isbsubjected to and my helplessness as i cant be around protecting her during they day.

Brainfog. Difficulty concentrating. No desire to do my own programming projects anymore. And without my anti-depressant I cant even muster the will to read a book, what used to be my favorite pastime. Or even take a walk. What annoy me the most is that these are symptoms of depression, but also what seemingly is the reason I'm depressed!

Oh, and stuck in a rented tiny apartment with a roommate who dont clean. And I no longer have the energy to clean for two. But that at least is solvable, I just need to save up money enough to get my own place.

Ah yes brainfog. As someone who writes a lot, I quickly learned brainfog is a writer's absolute arch nemesis, like the devil if writing itself was a religion. I'll be half-way through writing something, fall asleep, then wake up and be unable to piece a concept together. No wonder the first Lord of the Rings took twelve years to write.

I would recommend taking a walk. You may say you're too depressed to take a walk, but it's the other way around, taking a walk can help with feeling depressed. The other two most helpful things for feeling depressed and brain fog are water (as in showering and staying hydrated) and getting eight hours of sleep each day when possible. And then just cycle those three things.
- So I've heard. The latest anti-depressants helped with my will to exercise. Right now I'm trying for at least 6k steps a day and one swimming session a week. It has reversed my weight-trend (and I've gone down two notches on my wrist watch as of yesterday). Small victory. Maybe it'll eventually work better against my brainfog too.
what kinds of programming projects are you into?
- Anything I can learn something new from. Gamedev, web dev, frontend, backend, desktop. I have mostly stayed within the languages c# and typescript.

Constantly nagging unhelpful family
Social anxiety
Degrading health
About to fail my college
No direction

Talk to your University counseling services. They can likely help waive failed credits for diagnosed mental health issues, since they qualify as a disability. You can also possibly get accommodations such as extended due dates, etc, if you have continued mental health issues. Even without accommodations or getting credits waived, utilizing the counseling services for therapy or psychiatry can likely help a lot. There’s a lot of options and services likely available for you that you may not know about. I would have dropped out of college if I hadn’t started going to University counseling and I had failed several classes due to anxiety and depression. Seeing a therapist turned that all around and I was able to graduate and only had to take one extra semester. Hang in there!

Nothing, really. Which is the worst part. My life is objectively good, nothing extra fancy, but nothing really bad either. Doesn't change the fact that everything feels shitty. I hate this the most - I'm long past the events that caused my depression, yet it's still here as a reminder.

Same, I just don't see the point and living is kinda bothersome. Started taking the most basic ssri and now I atleast don't have to think about it all the time. Some things are fun, some are not, but overall existence just feels lacking.
What part of your life do you consider its luckiest circumstance?

To me it's not weight, but a greyscale filter on life. This greyscale filter is always there. Sometimes it feels stronger, sometimes it feels less strong, but it never fully goes away.

So I'd say: this.

In a way I sometimes feel the same thing, but it's like I'm outside everything that's happening. I'm not present, just watching others having fun like I'm in another dimension or behind a thick greyscale wall.
By greyscale filter, you mean like a feeling of numbness?
- In a way, yes.

a not fulfilling job
extra stress because we are currently planning our wedding
climate change

saying "you are loved" is like saying "thoughts and prayers", it's nonsense. love is an action, something done for you selflessly

I know, I just thought it would be lighthearted to have Yoda say it in his Yoda voice.

I am absolutely alone.

I have not had a friend irl in like 7 years and on top of that a lot of trauma that has made it very difficult to trust people now. In 2020 some bad stuff happened to me at like right at the start of the year just before the pandemic really took off. I just... shut down, pandemic and trauma and everything I just couldn't cope other than withdrawing from everything.

Thats been going on for 3 years now, pretty much live like a hermit now even though I am in the middle of a big city, like hikikomori levels of hermit. No family nearby. I just never leave my apartment anymore, get everything delivered. I can "technically" leave, I am able to go to things like a rare dr appointment or something like that. But I get near panicky if I am out too long, I have thrown up several occasions trying. It's actually been a few years now since I even talked to any one irl except for people in like service roles like shopkeepers or receptionists, things like that. I actually don't know how to unhermit myself at this point. I feel trapped.

If you read this and think of commenting some shit about how I just need to put myself out there please fuck off, it's not that simple.

That sounds like a most extreme version of what I've experienced. Do you hang out with ppl online at all? Down to talk to a rando if you got time this wknd.
I want to say, you are not alone in your experience. Millions of people are dealing with social withdrawal. Alot of ppl misunderstands and assumes it's a choice when its often not. There are numerous reasons be they - environmental, Social, and personally that leads people to that situation. This phenomena is global and the numbers of ppl across the world socially withdrawing is startling. The rates of social dislocation, loneliness and disconnection are at sky-high rates as well. So this is a global social crisis that is happening.

I'm not going to give cliche solutions but I think checking out Dr. K's videos from HealthyGammer gives alot of insights on Psychology and mental health for today's digital age, so check them out, could be insightful. He made a video on this topic called 25 year old loner

This is a major problem that isn't being addressed. So many ppl are suffering and this issue isn't enough respect it deserves. To help people socially withdrawing the answer to the problem isn't just getting out there as you said, but adressing other underlying mental health problems.

Edit: Grammar, spelling
Hell no it isn’t simple. It sounds like a constant struggle with no rest.

I got stuck so far up my own ass, emotionally speaking, I couldn’t keep a social engagement for several years. There’s just no reasoning yourself out of it.

I intentionally took an extremely social retail job to force myself to go through the motions of social interaction. Part-time was all I could handle. I needed the job anyway and the benefits were good so I could avail myself of proper mental health care. Eventually I emerged and am still rebuilding a healthy social circle.

It’s hard and I’m sorry you are going through this. Your path will be different than mine, but I want good things to happen for you.

I have CRPS (Complex Reginal Pain Syndrome) also known as suicide disease. Every movement and sensation to my limbs causes extreme pain, it's about 42-46/50 on the McGill's pain scale.

That is more than enough for my depression to hit me hard. I can't work, I feel useless, I sit on the couch and even that hurts. But I still push through the pain, and I still walk. But I'm stagnant in life.

All that being said the amount of extra weight comes from reading about the world right now. Everything is on fire, everyone is mad and seemingly at the wrong person. I can't even afford normal groceries anymore. The future always seems bleek, and I'm not physically able to do anything about it.

Minor inconveniences make the call to the void a roar. Thank Glob for therapy, another thing I can barely afford haha.

The real issues? Social anxiety, general guilt and regret about the past, the acceptance and occasional pain in knowing that I'll never have a partner.

But the situation has been the same for about a decade and I've moved past the point where it bothers me other than acute episodes. I'm fortunate enough to have a good job and enough money that I don't have to worry about housing or food, and aside from work I can basically do whatever I want (the positive side of "no partner"). I have hobbies and am going to start traveling soon and work keeps me busy, so I don't really have grounds to complain.

Also, at some point if you're not dangerously depressed, it just becomes a part of life and the new baseline. I feel "meh" at the best of times aside from when I level up on OSRS, and having that kind of pessimistic outlook does have some advantages. I don't really panic when something goes wrong because everything is shit anyways, so the boiler breaking down or w/e is just another Tuesday. Makes life much more chill then the rollercoaster of being an optimist.

Depression tends to go hand in hand with having a chronic illness. Especially when it feels like you're constantly fighting what feels like a losing battle with it...

Lately my sense of motivation has been in an odd state. I'll do things for others, or when it involves more than just myself - like I'll go to work and do my best because I've committed to it, if friends ask me to do something I'll do so, etc. But when it comes to doing things for just me I'm finding it difficult to have the drive to do so. Listening to music and jamming it out while programming was always one of my favorite ways to pass the time and even that seems to not have the "spark" that it once did.

It feels like there are just so many factors of my life that are off kilter, and when I try to re-balance one, its difficult to do so because a different facet is off and affecting it. It's like a game of whack-a-mole really.

I'm ugly as shit and socially awkward.

I don't mean to come across as insensitive to your issues. I just wanted to say that ugly is not objective truth and it shouldn't hold you back from finding people in your life. Plenty of similar looking or even different looking people are there who will not discriminate against you. For social awkwardness, it goes away with time as you interact more in real life with people.
- I mean, my experiences interacting with people feel like navigating a minefield. I've had several times where I think everything is fine and then hours later I get texts and messages telling me how awful I behaved and how shit I am. I try to adjust to what they tell me because I feel bad if I bother other people and same thing happens. Like everything seems fine and then haha nope fucking loser.
  
  And unfortunately my appearance does prevent me from having friends. I've been described as a 2 on a good day, trying to talk to men, even if it's part of my job, often results in references to girlfriends or wives. I'm 32 and no one has ever asked me out or been interested in me. Women will sometimes take pity on me and talk to me for maybe a week or two but then the social awkwardness leads to them ditching me.

My health. It's made me lose so many connections, and lately it's made me feel like I'm invisible. Not even those closest to me really know how to deal with me and me having to cancel things because my body says no.

That some day all of the good things in my life could disappear, without me even doing anything. The fleetingness of real happiness and the fact that constant euphoria is unattainable. That I’m not living up to my potential, that I’m being exploited and under valued, that I’m never present for my emotions because I self medicate and distract.

Also my dad just died and I didn’t think it would affect me much because we didn’t have a great relationship. But yesterday I woke up from a dream where he was alive and the happiness I felt to see him again was immediately crushed by the relalisation that I would never see him again, and he’d miss everything from here on out. I was inconsolable, still am tbf

But also I’m in therapy and take prescribed meds that work for me, so I’m doing my best.

Climate change. I strongly feel that we're doomed and it puts a damper on almost everything for me. I try to enjoy myself and live life in the moment but wherever I look I see reasons why something is wrong or hypocritical. I try to deal with it by working jobs that I think help against climate change.

Don't kill yourself on climate change, do what is needed and don't over think about it. It isn't helpful
I'd have gotten to a place where I don't despair any more. Like, I care very deeply about the climate but I have resolved it in myself that it's not getting better. That's a pessimistic view, but just following the news and hearing about the extreme weather and the impacts happening now, I don't even want to think about what's it's going to be like in 10,20 years.

I know going forward that my whole life is going to be affected by the climate, and I have accepted that it's going to get worse. I have gone through a major depressive doomer stage before and realize that's not productive or beneficial to my mental health.

I have gotten to a place as Micheal Dowd, puts it "post-doom".I'm going to approach each day as a miracle and with all the loving kindness I can muster, even if things look bleak.

Just the depression and irritations that go on for no apparent reasons.

Work probably. I make a good living but I feel like no amount of money can compensate for the time I waste every day doing work that I get almost no meaning from.

My only hope besides winning the lottery is that developements in AI is going to make the economy (along with the stocks I'm invested in) skyrocket so that I can retire and move to a middle of forest.

Poor relationships, college struggles, and mental health problems.

Thanks Yoda.

Both me (and Yoda I guess) are here for you if you ever need someone.

Work, society at large, "the economy", et al

I am not depressed now but in the past there have been entire years where it felt like... nothing. Emotional numbness, every day feeling indistinguishable from another. One day just as meaningless as another. No motivation, seemingly nothing to look forward to, even typing this remembering what it was like to feel that way for literal years is unnerving.

Economic anxiety. I still don't feel like I'm in a comfortable position at the moment and it feels like I'm falling behind some of my goals, economically speaking. I put some of my hobbies and interests on the back burner to focus on work. I started a new job a few months ago and I genuinely like it. I hope to there longterm as I slowly replenish my finances and pay off my debts.

I have recently tested positive for a dozen different autoimmune issues. I went from a sharp 38 year old to a 40 year old who struggles with concentration. As a small business owner, it scares the hell out of me because I there is a lot riding on me to maintain the success of my business.

It's terrifying.

Lack of sleep. Lack of time to do anytging except the bare minimum to get back to work.

I'm sick of how unhinged people get about trans people, especially from those in the left. I can't tell you how many times I've had my identity invalidated by people simply because I disagree with them on something socially or politically. These people claim to be my allies but the moment I don't fit their stereotype of a trans person it's like I'm not even a person to them anymore.

What those kinds of people have done to my brother as well pisses me off to no end. It's disgusting how a political group claims to be your friend only to try and harm you if you don't act the way they want you to. That's what abusers and cultists do.

I'm not trans but this matches a lot of what I've seen with people I know. My brother is trans (FtM) and has experienced a lot of taunting even before coming out as trans, in fact ironically it was the bullying for his masculine aspects which made him grasp he was trans. Recently he got banned from the LGBT capital of the internet and I have become convinced by him and talking about him that it was covert discrimination, and it has thrown him into a state of being so afraid of being judged for it he's now lowkey agoraphobic. Another person I know was disowned for it and a third person, an author I idolize whose invited me into her social circle, has given up on clarifying herself and I'm always explaining things to other people. As Aragorn famously says, you have my sword.
- Thanks. I've noticed there's many LGBT people in general who seem to feel this way, so it's always nice to hear from others who do too.

I don't know.

I have a job that doesn't make me happy and a wife who even though she's great has a lot of health issues that cause me to take on more stress. She's trying to get the health problems figured out butt it's been a half dozen trips to the doctor and we still don't know why she just passes out.

I need to do more stuff outside the house but I don't know where to start. I like dnd but the idea of finding a group terrifies me, even if online.

To the people answering "climate change": How does that feel?

I can only sympathize with the feelings referring to oneself. Like being miserable or blaming myself for my individual situation. Climate change doesn't make me depressed personally, more angry. (At politics for example.) But it's not something i overly blame myself for.

I would like to know what you feel. Weltschmerz? Being helpless? Does it somehow concern you more than other people because of your geographical location?

I feel like there are no happy options for me. There are only least-bad. I have a million different ways to spend my time and energy and they're mostly lesser-evil choices. If I do the things I want to do, then my family suffers. If I do the things my family wants/needs to do, then I suffer. Regardless, a large majority of my decisions are filled with suffering. I don't see any end to this.

One of the things that weighs me down is posts making me dwell on the things that weigh me down.

Trying for a baby for two an a half years now without success. Started IVF but the first embryo transplant failed. We are lucky we are relatively young and healthy but it sucks that we can't conceive in a normal way (even though we don't know why) and we have a lot of embryo's still in the freezer. It sucks so much and everyone around me just have to look at each other and they're pregnant. I feel so strongly it's never going to happen for us.

I can understand, I’m not so young and my husband is even older, we don’t have a family, just each other so we wanted a child so much… but I have a chronic illness so I’m starting to think that it will never happen… and I’m angry and jealous of all the people who have kids “just because” or by accident!
- Yes it's so hard and so unfair. So many people around me just accidentally get pregnant and I just can't be happy for them anymore. The worst part is no one can promise you it's going to be okay, they can't even give us the odds IVF will work for us.
I know this might sound cliché, but is adoption considerable? Not that it always is, I know sometimes a government makes you depend on agencies that hurt the act of adoption or that it's a wildcard or nothing is available, but as an aunt to foster children, I can say there is nothing that feels better.
- Yeah that's not an option due to a lot of factors, mainly that our coumtry doesn't allow couples to start the process as there's a lot of issues with adoption worldwide. It's basically a business for some people to find children that rich people from western counties pay good money for to adopt. For example in Congo it's basically impossible for Congolese couples to adopt a baby as there's more money to be made from western couples. It's also very different from having a child that's your own, so even if it was a possibility, we wouldn't want to go down that road.

I have clinical depression, so it's hard to pin down a "most". Lots of it just exists.

But, I'd have to say a negative self-talk cycle, probably. No idea why I do it or why it's so intense, but it's constantly there.