It all comes full circle. Like a toilet bowl.
My first day on Lemmy was the don't ask why, but I need to not shit for 3 days post. And here we are. So much culture in only a year.
Jack Link's beef stick & cheese, sasquatch size. You're going to need at least 6 per day to get over 1600 calories but it's going to be nearly 3x recommended sodium for the day so be sure to drink lots of water.
If you manage to poop at any time during those three days you deserve a medal.
You risk Kidney stones with that Sodium. I don't know what toilet horrors you and your butthole face that have driven you to this point, but heed my warning, kidney stones really fucking hurt.
Whatever you do don’t eat large bags of Almonds. I don’t think you’d survive the pain on day 3. If you have some way to anesthetize your anus - then I would suggest that.
How easy would it be for you to find (natural) laxatives? ChatGPT names Prunes and Kiwis, Broccoli, Almonds and Walnuts, Yogurt (the white non-sweet kind would be best)
Basically the above is just a who's who of healthy dieting if you ask me lol. If you need high caloric density for the "eating as much as possible" part just go for anything high in fat and or sugar. Nutella would check both boxes but this is really not recommendable from a health perspective obviously.
Competitive eaters like Beard Meats Food would just chug on double cream if they wanted to get as many calories down as possible. The only "problem" there is that it doesn't make for a very entertaining video.
Clean yourself out with a laxative. Like a colonoscopy prep. Safely. Then eat only high protein, low residue foods. Look them up. Should be as close to good as possible. No poop already in process, slow moving food after. Won’t be comfortable, but you should make it.