Anyone got some funny "that wasn't a fart" stories to read to my coworker?

Was laying naked on my bed next to my girlfriend I thought it would be funny to rip one out Instead i projektile shot a little poopy meteor wich then landed on my buttcheek We had a mirror on the floor next to the bed, i watched it happen And i watched her face changing from annoyed but funny to utterly disgusted

Like the time I thought I had to fart so I relaxed my sphincter a bit and hear someone behind me asking for tree-fiddy?

It was about this time I realized that the little fart was actually a giant crustacean from the paleolithic era.

It was the god damned Loch Ness Monster!

Not a "not a fart" exactly, butt anyways... You ever eat a lot of cereal at one sitting? Like a whole box? Don't try that with Frosted Mini Wheats. I did, and then I went to my job baking bagels. I had just gotten all the shelves in the oven full of bagels (idk like 30 dozen). I felt a rumbling that told me I had seconds before release. I grabbed my manager, handed him the peel and told him which rack was coming out first. I didn't wait for his reply, but I ran to the single bathroom in our busy restaurant and by some miracle it was unoccupied. Not a second to spare and then total relief.

I was at home called out of school for being sick. Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, the whole nine yards.

Was laying in my bed when I felt the urge to fart. I didn't really trust it, but I felt too sick to want to get up and go to the bathroom, so I held it as long as I could. Finally it got to be too much and I tried to release some of the pressure with a controlled release.

It was anything but controlled. The floodgates that were my sphincter broke. A stream of thick, yet watery, doodoo hit my poor little whitey tighties with a force that turned them into a fine mesh screen. I didn't even have time to react before it was all over not only me but also my bed.

I did the crab walk of shame to the bathroom, where I quickly disposed of my underwear and showered for what felt like eternity.

I burnt all the bedding.

Long story short, I had a bad school lunch then went to cheerleading and made the others wish I was an exchange student again.

I was going in for a drug test for a new job on my lunch break. I had taken some of those 'clean you out pills' that you get from a head shop and the prescribed half gallon of water super early in the morning. I get there around noon, sitting in the waiting room I felt an urgent need to fart. I knew I couldn't keep it in so I did the sly one cheek up maneuver to minimize the sound. Warm smooth liquid came out instead. Filled my underwear and ran down my leg. I immediately got up and asked to use the bathroom. The look on those ladies faces o.0. I said I needed to poo and I promised not to pee. They let me. I clean up as best I can and throw my underwear in the trash, but is smells like death. I decided to confesses on my way out about the underwear and they show me back to the waiting area. I kept my promise, I peed in the cup and left about 20 minutes later. Nurses are laughing at me on my way out. I get in my car and start crying and call my Dad, still my best friend. He laughs and tells me about several times he pooped his pants and I am crying and laughing hysterically, remnants of the duty still in my pants. I had to call into my current job and take the rest of the day off, holding back tears and trying not to laugh. The test came back inconclusive and I had to retake the test about two weeks later. I passed that one with no help, and I had an amazing job that set the course for the rest of my life.