Unfortunately based on true events

Tell me about it. Quit smoking almost four weeks ago, can't stop eating since and already gained 5 kg

Hey you quit smoking! That's hard to do. You'll reach a balance but this Internet stranger is proud of you!
- Not trying to one-up our friend up there, but I would just compare how fighting any addiction will take its own toll for a bit. In one year after quitting drinking, I went up to 200 from around 175, the heaviest I have ever been. It took a bit, but I am finally down to a healthy 185.
  
  I think what I am meaning to say is that if you are battling an addiction of any kind, eating too much should be the least of your concerns. No cigs? No booze? That gallon of ice cream is OK to eat in a single sitting then. Learning to moderate food can come much later.
Well done!
Smoking has probably killed your sense of taste so I recommend eating lots of low calorie foods like leaves and fiberfill.
- https://medlineplus.gov/ency/patientinstructions/000811.htm
  
  This says low-calorie 'finger-food' to keep busy with, might help as well.
Congratz dude, I'm with you, I've quit six months ago. Also added about 5kg, but I'm working on that
Well done!

Perhaps try chewing gum? That helped me quit without gaining weight.

Three whole days?

Not a very hobbity appetite if you can't finish your pie in more than one sitting

At first I was thinking where's the issue with that, but then I realised that the internet is American

I still don't get it
- In Australia it's not unusual to eat a meat pie washed down with iced coffee for breakfast then in half an hour sprint to the portaloo

Why? Because you could eat them in two

It would be at two bricker within 48 hours.

You're rectum would never be the same.

One pie is a gift, two is a punishment without six people.
- In my experience I just end up eating much less than usual for a day or maybe two. I was fine

Every so often you just have to fill yourself up with pizza till reality stops hurting. Pies can't cure you but the food coma certainly helps blunt the pain for a few hours.

"Don't do it, please." - Your Butthole

Just put a butt plug in, you’ll be fine.
- So you want to make the problem twice as bad? It's already a rectum destroyer.
  
  Delay only increases the size.
  
  This is an event that shatters porcelain with both weight and volume.
  
  An Augur is the solution after the fact.

When you’re baking and starting to fine-tune the recipe.

The other day I had a flash of german nostalgia craving and bought a frozen Benjamin Blümchen Torte. Still as good as I remembered but after two thirds I started to regret my decision

I remember eating an entire cheesacake by myself for lunch when I was in highschool. That was not my smartest decision.

Because it is not necessary. Conserve it to a quarter of a pie a day and you'll save more money on groceries. Think of the long term, OP

But.... Pie...

It happens to the best of us.

I wouldn't mind