Make every car moan when you start it
83 1 ReplyHave penis make very loud air raid siren alarm when slightly hard
24 0 Reply
Final wish: You can never leave the lamp again.
59 2 ReplyFirst wish: all humans turn blue for 24 hours after masturbating
Second wish: reverse all human digestive tracts so food goes into anus and excretion comes out of mouth, trump style
Third wish: reproductive organs are all non functional for reproduction specifically and humans mate by doing The Polka for 6 consecutive hours.
Love, Satan
60 5 ReplyThird kind of makes the first one pointless. Unless that is, you consider doing the Polka by yourself masturbation.
27 1 ReplyYou still feel horny urges, but baby can only be created via intense accordion action. It'd be a real blessing, the most effective form of contraceptive available.
16 0 ReplyNotice how I said reproduction specifically. You could still pleasure yourself. and yes solo polka would also count as masturbation
13 0 ReplyDo you masturbate to reproduce?
7 0 ReplyShit damn. I can't masturbate OR polka without turning blue? That really is diabolical.
4 0 Reply
Funnily enough, the third wish is actually one of the most positive things that can happen here.
Now people will fuck each other all day without having to worry about getting pregnant. No pills, no implants, no hormone. It's just good ol' pleasure now.
13 0 ReplyI'm blue, da ba dee da ba di
3 0 Reply
Final wish: Increase childhood cancer by 500%.
52 1 ReplyYou sick fuck.
Take your up arrow.
7 2 ReplyClimate change solved?
3 0 Reply
1st wish: bring all insects together into one mega organism blob that slowly traverses the earth consuming anything it touches
40 0 ReplyMake bedbugs immune to insecticides.
Bedbugs now fly.
12 0 ReplyJust a FYI, most bed bugs are immune to insecticides already.
Tests and studies have shown that insecticides work as well as water for killing bed bugs. 25% kill rate and lowering each year.
The best tool against bed bugs is heat (Steam cleaner) or Diatomaceous Earth.
9 0 Replycancel update CANCEL UPDATE
2 0 Reply
So Nausicaä?
10 0 Reply"All bugs are now the size of dogs."
7 0 ReplyI think that just results in billions of dog sized bugs being dead no? Isn't it a lack of available oxygen in the air that keeps their size down?
Granted, every flying insect becoming as large as a dog and plummeting to the Earth instantly would be fucking horrifying.
11 0 ReplyAll yards become massive piles of dead dogs erupting everywhere from the ground.
4 0 Reply"I'ma boutta singlehandedly bring the worldwide prices for gasoline and ammo up a cent."
2 0 Reply
Final wish, multiply every bank balance by 0.5
32 0 ReplyWould this one unintentionally help reduce wealth disparity?
37 1 ReplyBy a lot! It would also cut every overdrawn bank account by half :)
Unfortunately it's just "bank balance", so actual debts outside of that wouldn't be touched.
26 1 ReplyIt would get worse. Cash reserves are for working class people; the rich mostly hold stocks which appreciate over time.
11 0 ReplyTo the power of 0.5 would be better
10 0 ReplyMultiply bank balances by current balance/$1000000
2 0 Reply
Divide every bank balance by zero
16 0 ReplyThat's just a fancy way of saying "cut in half".
5 1 ReplyThat’s just a fancy way of saying “halve.”
4 0 Reply
XKCD 2741 Alt Text: "I wish for everything in the world. All the people, money, trees, etc." "Are you SURE you--" "And I want you to put it in my house."
25 1 ReplyThird wish: raise avg world temp by 5C.
15 1 ReplyHow do we know that's not what happened to Trump?
11 1 ReplyHe would have lost focus babbling halfway through his first wish and never reached a coherent request.
14 2 Reply
Give everyone tastebuds in their anus.
9 0 ReplyWhat if I put my tastebuds in someone else’s anus?
6 1 ReplyIt's 2023. Have you not done that yet?
5 0 ReplyI call that an average Saturday night
1 0 Reply
Of course I know the taste buds in my colon (TBIMC) can never be cured, but my doctor told me that with proper diet and excercise and Poisantin, my TBIMC could be monitored, putting me in control of the size and sensitivity of the taste buds in my colon.
4 0 Reply
Accelerationism intensifies.
9 0 ReplyThird wish: we hit 2 degrees ten years ahead of schedule
2 0 Reply