I know you are joking, but honestly that would be a huge help. I would reach out to your local shelter and see if they have any TNR programs, that will help control the feral / street cats in your area.
Might not be their cat - however, if it is, you absolutely need to get it fixed for a myriad of reasons. If you need resources, hmu, I can help you find vouchers or local programs to assist with spay/neuter.
Why so hostile? It is in the owner and the animals best interest . The cat has less health risk, is more docile, and won't create more strays. The owner (if it has one) get a more chill cat that won't mark everything it sees.
Spay and Neuter is necessary to control an already booming stray cat issue in the us. TNR programs help communities and keep feral cat population down without needing to euthanize cats to control their spread.