Maybe stick to the stuff that comes out of the tap.

Reminds me on this chemist joke:

A man brought his chemist friend to the bar for a drink with the other friends. When asked what he wanted, the chemist decided that since she's the designated driver, she'll order water. "I'll have some H20, please!" the chemist said, with the man replying "I'll have some H20 too!"

The man died of ingesting hydrogen peroxide.

And the joke's alternative anti joke punchline:

The bartender served them both water, because he fully understands everyday human interaction and translated the request as intended.
- Well, for as much as you use the chemical formula for water in your everyday human interactions, anyway
Little Billy was a chemist

Little Billy is no more

For what he thought was H2O

Was H2SO4
- I've heard it as:
  
  Little Billy took a drink, of which he'll drink no more.
  
  For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
"I'll have some H20, please!" the chemist said

To which the bartender replied "I'm sorry, but we don't have icosatomic hydrogen"
I love the sequel to that one, too. Same set up. ... The first man orders H20 The second man says "why would you say that? It's incredibly pretentious, and you look like a jerk. Just order water." The first man frowns and sulks because his murder plot has been foiled.
is it called hydrogen peroxide because there’s one hydrogen per oxide?
- It's actually because "per" is used to denote the maximum "proportion" of an element. Compare "oxide", which is just one oxygen. "per-" is also used in chemistry in the sense of the Latin prefix "per-", which attaches to adjectives and verbs and such to convey the sense of "very" or "all the way". For example, sometimes we refer to molecules as being "perdeuterated" when all hydrogen atoms have been replaced with the heavy isotope deuterium.
- https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peroxide
Little Johnny was a chemist's son, but Johnny is no more. What Johnny thought was H20 was H2SO4.

For those interested in learning about uranium peroxide: https://pubchem.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/compound/Uranium-peroxide

Suprisingly mild and not very reactive. And I wondered if this even exists.
it is a confirmed human carcinogen.

See, that's the good stuff
Oh my god I didn't think it was an actual molecule...
Thanks. I was wondering if it was a liquid or not. Crystaline solid.
- Ok, but definitely don't drink it if it's liquid then.

Sweet, a yellow cake dispenser! It's strangely difficult to acquire

Pfff U(IV)? More like U's a little bitch that can't add that weeny little O-O single bond. The only oxyuranium species worthy of entering my body are stripped of all valence electrons. Good ol peruranic acid, U(O)2(OH)2, that's the real quencher!

Don't want to drink pure H₂O either...

No? What would it be like?
- It will damage your skin and mucous membranes. Pure H2O is quite reactive and will drain minerals from the environment. If your body is such an environment, it will get minor damages.
- Probably tasting remarkably bland and would likely mess with your electrolyte and mineral levels.

wouldn't it be uranium dihydrogen ~~per~~ tetraoxide?

I believe that would be H2O2?

H2O4 would be Tetraoxidane if I’m not mistaken, but neither of those takes into account the U (Uranium) at the end there.

Of course, I don’t know much about how things would go beyond production, they may reach with each other and ultimately settle into something else.
- you're right, so the original post has not just one but two mistakes

I learned a rhyme once that's relevant:

Danny was a scientist, but now he is no more, for what he thought was H2O, was H2SO4