What am I doing with my life?

That last line is the trick. We’ve been conditioned so hard since we were little kids about our jobs being who we are. “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

This is something I became cognizant of pretty young. Late in high school I would answer that question snidely with a “happy”—it weirdly always pissed people off. But even so, I still struggled well into my late 20s with not letting that “Im wasting my life with this job” feeing creep in. I even traveled most of my 20s and was the last panel sometimes. Feeling like just spending the money I’d saved and lying on a beach every day and partying all night and country hopping was something I should be ashamed of.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to have found a job I find interesting and fulfilling, but differentiating between finding something that challenges and engages me and defining myself by my title took a long, long time. At this point, the majority of my life. We’ve been thoroughly conditioned to not differentiate. Learning to is a revolutionary act. Fuck your capitalist value. Fuck capitalism.

I did what I was "supposed to" until about 3.5 years into college. Then I dropped out, bumbled around trying to find meaning in what jobs I managed to sporadically have, and spent time in my marriage. In my early 30s now, newly divorced, realized I fell into doing what I was supposed to again, and I'm done with it

I'm moving to another country, I'm liquidating retirement to pay for college. In some ways it feels like I've lost so much but in other ways it feels like I get a second shot at the life I want and this time I'm a lot wiser

Dunno about you, but I’m waiting.

What am I doing about my death?

Damn that hits different now.