Columbus Day

Leave home to buy some spices, then go to a wrong grocery store and make a mess there breaking everything on the shelves

Don't forget to kidnap a few employees too while you're in the wrong store
- And cut out their tongues and get arrested.
You gotta wipe out 90% of that wrong grocery store's employees and patrons through communicable diseases, even the ones in corporate who have no idea who you are or have ever met you.

🫡
And the spice isle is twice as long as you think it is, but you keep insisting that it's that length.
Leave home with spices on a shopping list, come home with syphilis instead.

Hundreds of years from now people will claim that only you knew that your route to the spice store existed while in reality everyone knew that it was too long.

"Oh, you're back. Did you bring back the cinnamon and nutmeg?"

"They were definitely out of those spices, but look at all of these severed hands!"
You found some other spice store on the way and convinced yourself it was the spice store you were after
- Although the Norwegian couple living above you has been going there for years.

Spread syphilis?

Spread smallpox.
- best I can do is monkeypox sorry
- It’s the Nutella of 1492.
- And get syphillis in exhange. and lung cancer from the tobacco

"Listen, I'm white. Columbus is associated with settlers and colonialism which the left unfairly demonized so poor Columbus got cancelled! Because I'm white I feel personally attacked because fox news says I should be so I'm celebrating out of spite even though I don't really even know what I'm celebrating! Make America Genocide Again!"

-Some Magoos subconscious probably

Oh they definitely complain that people don't celebrate Columbus Day anymore like they never did anyway.
This is peak tilting at windmills

Unironically saw this meme while in line after having just done that.

You got lost in the spice aisle? Because they generally are straight lines.
- Eh, got lost looking for ground ginger. Started in the spice aisle, but they were out, so some directed me to the produce area (apparently didn't realize I didn't want whole ginger). After a bit more wandering, I turned some up in the Asian food section.
Did you go to the pharmacy looking for spices? Did you make a scene and berate their employees? You’re doing it wrong.
- Naw, I just kidnapped a bunch of people and left some dirty old blankets laying around /s

Columbus Day could also be celebrated by breaking into someone's house and forcing them to find and bring you money. If they don't bring enough start killing their family.

Or at least just chopping their hands off.

I used to observe columbus day by having the day off school. Now it's meaningless to me like every other "holiday" I have to work through and get pissed off because I drove all the way to the bank to get change and they're closed.

Do you guys have change for a five?

Sure what do you want?

three ones and the rest quarters

Please fill out this form and I’ll need two forms of ID

this pen isn’t working

Hold on I’ve got some bolt cutters back here somewhere …

[clack]

Hey Mary, this guy needs a pen

I gave the supply cabinet keys to Carl. He’ll be back from lunch any minute now

Hey Carl it’s Mary. We’ve got a gentleman here needs a pen. Are you headed back?

… …. .. …… …

Oh gosh that’s terrible!

.. …. … . …. …..

Okay I’ll let him know. [click] Yeah Hon, Carl should be heading back any minute now. He’s just over at the deli having a sandwich. He was having a bother with his car but he’s got the jumper cables and everything

[ancient clock chimes] [cars pass by outside] [cicadas drone]

Can I get you a coffee or anything, Dear?

No thanks … well sure.

Oh drat! I forgot Mary had that second cup. Here I’ll just make some more.

Say Mary, do you know where the coffee filters are?

Should be right there with the coffee.

Nope, not here. Well we can have Carl pick some up.

While you have COVID so you can side-kill anyone not immune.

I'll observe my sister-in-law's birthday, thank you very much.

Don't mind me I'm just observing ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Completely off-topic: That cartoonist is continuing a tradition that goes all the way back to George Herriman near the beginning of the 20th century. He had an incredible strip called Krazy Kat, but it started out like the Tom Waits sub-strip there, under a strip he ended up abandoning.

I'm betting the cartoonist here knew about that and is continuing the tradition, which is pretty cool.
- The strip is a tribute to Tony Millionare, which is also where the sub-strip comes from.
  
  Dresden Codak used to be a wonderful webcomic with great surreal humour and some super funky layouts. Then over a decade ago the author started a long, boring and confusing storyline which is apparently still ongoing? Crazy.
  
  Anyway, mostly everything under "One-Offs" in the archive is solid gold and highly recommended. The rest of it... don't bother.

Columbus day? Supposed to watch The Goonies, Gremlins, some Mrs. Doubtfire and little bit of Sorcerer's Stone.

Don't forget Home Alone!