Need some advice on how to deal with an angry kid (4 years old)
Need some advice on how to deal with an angry kid (4 years old)
In the last six months a lot changed, we moved to a new house, my wife had a baby (girl) and my son turned 4 and started school.
I'm not really sure if this is the reason but for the last month or so, my son has more and more temper tantrums. Basically any time we tell him no, he gets very frustrated and angry. Sometimes shouting or pushing me. It's pretty new behavior and I really don't like it. I have talked to him after the tantrums and he usually agrees he shouldn't behave like this, but so far it keeps coming back. One other thing he does is just ignoring us whenever we ask him something he doesn't want to do, pretending he can't hear us.
The last thing I want to do is be angry or use threads (like I'm counting to 3). But sometimes it's the only way to get him to do something (like getting dressed for school).
I would really want to have a better way to communicate without the negativity.
Make sure you take some time with just him. I had have found when mine start acting up like that, they usually just need some 1 in 1 time.
Plan a dad/son day with some new experiences sprinkled with things he likes to do.
Good luck, you're doing great!!!
That's a good one, recently we didn't spend much 1 on 1 time, I should plan a day with just us. Thanks for the advice!
A new house and a new baby does sound like a lot of big changes for a 4 year old. He’s probably having a hard time processing it all.
Unfortunately I don’t have much advice to help him through it. But, when it gets frustrating, try to remember that he is new to all of this stuff and needs your help and patience to show him that all is ok.
Thanks, most of the time I do this, but sometimes when there is a time limit it's difficult. Like when he has to get ready to go to school and I don't want to be the parent that's always late.
But you are right I definitely need to remind me of this more often.
Oh, I’m definitely with you. I can give the advice, but I often have a hard time following it myself.
Whenever you do punish him, regardless of why, be sure to follow up afterward (calmly) have a talk about why he was punished and ask him what he could’ve don’t to avoid his consequences. I’ve also been told that if you whisper while they are yelling, it gets their attention better than yelling back. I haven’t had a chance to try that yet.
Good luck! You’re doing a great job!
Thanks, the talking and explaining we already do, but the whispers sound interesting, I'll give that a try.
We always try to explain, we are not mad at him but what he's doing is going to get him hurt, or that we really need to be on time because the teacher is going to start class and the other kids also need her attention, etc.
That sounds tough. Did he have a lot of tantrums when he was 2 and 3? A lot of families deal with regression when a new baby comes along plus all the other changes. When you talk to him after does he say why he's frustrated and mad? One approach we try is having our son name his feelings kind of continuously in conversation. I read somewhere, either a Montessori or gentle parenting book, that it helps kids take ownership of their feelings. Daniel Tiger has a song that helps our 3 year old break the escalation cycle and get back in control.
We've made listening a game where we "put on our listening ears" before ask him to do stuff. We started doing it when we were going to ask him stuff he generally wants to do and progressed it to using it when we ask him things we want him to do. It greatly helped the ignoring after a few weeks.
FWIW, you talking to him and trying to avoid threats jibes with all the stuff I've read. So you're already headed in the right direction. Good luck dad.
Thanks this is very helpful. He didn't have big tantrums at 2-3 but he would respond to being told no in a very bad way, by hitting himself. As a parent it's so hard to watch and we talked to him dozens of times, told him we love him, no need to punish yourself,etc. Very happy that was mostly a phase and he stopped. He also at that age 2-3 would bite (us, other kids, daycare lady).
This all sounds horrible, but 95% of the time he's a super sweet smart little boy. I think he's very sensitive and really doesn't know how to deal with his own emotions.
When we talk to him sometimes he just says he doesn't know why he got so mad. Sometimes he just doesn't want to talk. Maybe we have to try more to let him name his feelings and especially during the 95% of the time when things are good.
His nervous system is probably overloaded from behaving in school. Assuming he's not doing the same to his teachers?
You are his safe space. He gets to be an asshole to you.
It sounds like he needs a method of normalizing his system. I hate to say it, but screen time helps.
Also look up "pathological demand avoidance". It might apply. If it does, you're in for a ride :-). Speaking from experience.
Thanks, I looked it up and I don't think he has this PDA but it's definitely good to know and keep in mind. How are you dealing with it? Must be pretty difficult.
Just need to be very careful with how you word things.
The hardest part is not getting an attitude myself. I gotta keep reminding myself that she's too young to be able to control herself well. But yeah, its rough.
Play this with him: https://www.rolfeducation.com/product/rolf-essentials-game-of-emotions/
I liked to play this with my children (kindergarden age) when I wanted to find out what was on their minds and they couldn't/wouldn't come out of their shells any other way.