8 weeks, something I'm struggling which I'd appreciate additional insight from the group is 'FOMO'
8 weeks, something I'm struggling which I'd appreciate additional insight from the group is 'FOMO'
So for those unfamiliar with the acronym, fear of missing out. I definitely used alcohol as a crutch for socialisation (autism, and when I drink, I don't feel so autistic). I have been out to a pub / karoake night and successfully not drunk alcohol, twice so far.
When I think about the future and the idea of 'never drinking alcohol again' it makes me feel a little sad. I imagine all the fun nights out I used to have, that I won't have anymore... I imagine sitting around sighing, twiddling my thumbs while everyone has raucous fun.
I don't feel like these are unreasonable worries, so hoping for some insights to puncture them. My main weapon to fight back is to imagine how I feel the morning after (nauseous, pounding head, sweating) and how that day is wasted; then to remind myself that drinking kicks me into a manic phase, with inevitable week+ of depression to follow.
I used to know a guy called Brian, friend of the family... he was always the life and soul of every party despite being teetotal. Always admired him, maybe that should be my mantra... "WWBD?"
When we are drunk, we are not as much the life of the party as we think we are.
When drunk, I may be less shy and more talkative, but I'm also talking way too much, talking about things I shouldn't be, and sometimes crossing into inappropriate. Thats all before I start to slur my words and then becoming less intelligible.
Mostly, drunk me, is annoying to mostly sober people. I suspect it's the same for others.
Yep, reminding myself of how much of an arse I can be when I get really going is definitely a useful tool!
I think many of us used alcohol as a crutch for social situations. I recently tried CBD drinks, which don't get you high, and found I can still have one out with friends at the pub. As they get slower and slower from the alcohol, suddenly I'm funny. It's like the playing field has been leveled, and suddenly I'm just so much more insightful -because I'm sober-.
That's a really good shout. I also have heard on the Always Sunny podcast, they mentioned a drink made by someone who quit drinking but didn't want to feel left out of getting a buzz on called 'Feel Free' but I did some reading on it, and it appears that their 'proprietary blend of herbs' is actually mostly just kratom :/
I also looked into some other leading 'adaptagen' drinks and it seems like they're not suitable for people taking an SSRI which is a shame, the Kin range looks really interesting. I had a look for the city I'll be moving to, and they have a bunch of bars which do CBD cocktails / mocktails so perhaps I'm being pessimistic with a FOMO attitude.
I think that for many of us we use alcohol as a shortcut, instead of working to become more social or deal with our emotions sober or whatever your issue may be. Instead we remedy these things temporarily with drugs or alcohol. If you want to become social it may take work even more so with the autism but I believe you can achieve it. I’m able to handle situations I never thought I could sober at this point and I know that is a show of hard work paying off
This is probably the most difficult to implement advice so far, but also the deepest / most effective. Changing our brain and the way we think is incredibly hard, but not difficult. I have a bit of a problem with catastrophising - stressing about a situation, trying to pregame every eventuality, with my brain focussing on the worst case scenario - until I altered a technique I read in a self help book.
It said "When you notice a negative thought, say to yourself "this is my negative voice, and I'm not going to listen".". But that didn't work for me. The voice was too strident. Instead, I play a game called 'If you don't have all the info, why not imagine a positive conclusion?". I still pregame to an extent, but the positive scenario seems to cancel out the negative one.
I know what you're feeling. Pretty soon after I stopped I was going away with some friends and I was so worried that it wouldn't be fun as I wouldn't be drinking. Not only were my friends amazing and totally supported me, it was a great week!
Maybe it would be useful to reframe it? Instead of thinking into the future and talking of "never drinking again" just consider the next day, or next weekend, or next night out? And then think of the next day and what you'll actually be missing out on - the nausea, the headache, the wasted day... Easier said than done I know, but I hope it helps.
Keep going, you're doing so well.
I totally get you and it's very common to have these feelings. Over time I guess it will be easier and you will build up fun experiences that don't involve alcohol. So I guess it will get better over time. Don't worry too much about it never happening again, just take it one day at a time.
I'm 5 years sober now and I still sometimes miss it. But I have other things I enjoy and give fulfillment. And, I really don't miss all the negative parts of drinking like doing stuff you regret, not being able to drive home, the two day hangovers (hangovers get worse the older you get) etc etc
So I think you just have to give it more time.
Hope this helps!
"Just take it one day at a time" is excellent advice. Thanks!
Adding my two cents in as somebody who gave up alcohol about 6 months ago, I had a lot of the same worries. Alcohol used to tame my social anxiety (although it was often actually the excuse to drink that got me going out). I used to become really gregarious after drinking, and I was afraid about how I would handle social situations without a drink in my hand. I didn't want to completely shelter myself from drinking events or force my friends to have to abstain from drinking around me, because this wasn't about them.
Since then, I've attended and hosted parties, gone to music festivals, hung out with friends, gone to bars, etc. Although there have been awkward moments (being the only sober one at a party after a few hours when everybody's drunk gets boring), it's been amazing! I've found my sober confidence, and honestly except for some curious questions ("you're still not drinking?"), nobody's cared. I'm just as much fun and social, actually more. I don't start slurring my speech and saying dumb things after getting wasted. I can let go easier, especially once others are a little tipsy, because I have more of my faculties than they do. I can drive to places I couldn't have if I'd been drinking. The key is always having a non-alcoholic beer or other drink in my hand so I don't feel awkward or left out.
If I want to let loose a bit more, I might smoke a bit of pot.
Overall, I don't really feel like I'm missing out on much anymore, which has been shocking. I realized that for me, more than the alcohol itself, it was the ritual of the cold drink (which NA beer scratches) and bring able to get out of my own head that was i.portant.
Hope this helps!
Thanks, that is a very helpful tip. I've sort of fallen off the wagon... not out of control with it, but I went out to investigate the two local pubs at my dad's new place a couple of Saturdays ago, I panicked at the bar and got a pint. Then sat and drank it in a bingo hall full of very, very old people... then went to the bar upstairs and had a couple there.
I felt like a bit of a failure at first but after thinking about it... this is a process, I'm a human being not a robot, and I'm going to slip up from time to time. The main thing is that I didn't go full 'Tasmanian Devil', and stopped after 3 low-% beers. Will definitely make sure I've got something non-alcoholic in my hand in future and mentally prep for 'bar panic'.
I'm glad it was helpful! Don't beat yourself up about temporary setbacks. This is a marathon, not a race. "Field trips" are definitely a normal part of the journey.
What ultimately helped me was to deeply change the way I thought about alcohol at a subconscious level. As long as some part of me felt deprived, I don't think abstinence would have worked. This was easier said than done, because alcohol had been a deep part of my identity forever. Giving it up felt like losing something core to myself.
I'm not entirely sure how it worked, but what I did was allow the question of "why do I want to quit?" to marinate in my brain for a while. I lurked r/stopdrinking daily, and was surprised at how many people had stories similar to mine. This helped dispel some of that "there is something uniquely wrong with me" notions. Then I went and read some quit lit - The easy way to control alcohol, Naked Mind, etc. I then wrote down a long document with all the reasons I wanted to quit. At some point, I had this feeling like the different parts of my subconscious were finally onboard. Quitting didn't feel like a sacrifice, but more of a collective agreement amongst my subconscious selves that alcohol wasn't really welcome to the party anymore.
Then I protected my sobriety for the first couple of months. I didn't go out to any venues that had alcohol, I told my close friends about it, and stocked my apartment with non-alcohol beverage options. I think it takes a few weeks before the old habits really start weakening.
Sorry for the wall of text, but all the best in your sober journey! IWNDWYT