I have really bad memory, but something feels wrong.
I have really bad memory, but something feels wrong.
In the last year I have discovered that my childhood memories are pretty lacking, like I don't remember major life events and even whole periods of time.
The more I thought about it, the scarier it got. The feeling of having zero recollection of things that people around me remember, is really scary.
I have some psychological issues that I never really understood the root of but after this, and reading about child abuse and specifically child sexual abuse victims and the symptoms that might develop later in life. I have this feeling that maybe something happened to me, and I even have a "suspect" who is not part of my life anymore but was when I was a child.
I suspect that my mother might know something but this is too scary to ask about, and honestly, too scary to investigate because what if it's true?
Did anyone experience something like this? How did you handle it? Am I just scared because I'm missing memories and want to find a reason for my psychological issues?
Writing this down was scary, up until now this was only between me and my brain.
I have a pretty similar feeling about memories of my childhood, however I'm very certain it's not based on trauma but on my anxiety disorder. (Anxiety and memory issues apparently go hand in hand.) I'm not sure how applicable this is to you, but definitely go get an evaluation if you can.
Thank you, I never was an anxious person so I don't think that's it. I can't really find anything else that would make me have memory issues (unless I have something serious that I'm not aware of)
I tend to feel like I had a relatively happy childhood. My parents made mistakes like all parents do, and there were life events that happened that weren't fair, but overall I didn't have anything overly tragic happen in my early childhood.
I also have a pretty good memory and can recall specific events from the age 3 though adulthood. But, I noticed in the 4th grade that I simply didn't have any memories from the 2nd grade beyond just 2 or 3 things. That has always bothered me, and as I get older the more it bothers me. I've asked my mom, but she can't think of anything that would have caused me to block memories. I've just accepted now that maybe nothing memorable happened that year.
Thank you for commenting.
The thing is, my memories from age 12 and before are beraly there, I have some which I can remember well but if you were to ask me anything about how life was, I just don't know.
Like right now, I'm trying to remember anything and other then the few memories I already have, nothing is coming up.
I don't even remember how I (or any one in my family) looked before age 13 I can only recall how I looked from photos that I saw as an adult.
Is that normal and I'm just confused?
It's very hard to have a safe space to talk about these things and I hope moderation here works responsibly.
My experience was a bit different. I wasn't really a victim of child abuse, but probably part of the inner circle of a victim of child abuse who replicated those behaviors with his friends. It was hard to come to terms with the things that I did as a child, which ultimately were the kind of "games" that you kept hidden from adults, until I realized something was wrong and stopped. I stopped even after I was blackmailed by said circle and never came back, ever.
Memory is weird when you were hurt, because you don't wanna come back to it. But you can achieve so much by confronting what happened if you are feeling the urge or the angst of a black veil covering your whole childhood. Understand one thing, whatever happened can't hurt you anymore.
Thank you.
I want to tackle this, I want to find out, but I'm also afraid that if I push too hard my brain will just fabricate memories that fit my suspicions.
Like what if I try to remember if I was abused and eventually my brain just starts to believe it happened and gives me some memories that didn't really happen.
For example I have this one super vivid memory that I was drowning in a pool as a kid and was rescued by the lifeguard who then returned me to my parents, but my parents claim that it never happened. So this drowning memory is either real and both of my parents forgot it (which is possible) or at some point it was fabricated by my brain (also possible)
So if my brain can do that, I don't want that to happen with something that can literally change mine and others lives.
I don't know exactly what kind of memory may arise from your work on these issues, but you certainly can control what to do with whatever you may find. You can decide that only affects to yourself and in a positive manner. Steer always towards that direction with the help of a professional.
Anyway, good luck with your journey.
First off--good work writing this down and sharing it. It's terrifying to dive into this stuff, but the fact that you shared it here means you're probably ready to start figuring it out.
I had something similar--only vague impressions of things from before age 9 or so. I worked with a therapist and eventually had some repressed memories surface. Overall, it was a difficult journey, but absolutely worth it. There are a lot of things that I had assumed were just "wrong with me." After understanding my history, I've been able to start recovering from these things and I've become a lot better at loving myself.
For what it's worth, our brains are wired to protect us, and that continues. I never recalled the entirety of what happened to me, only as much as I needed to recover. You may find there's nothing, or you might uncover a lot--either way, your brain is still working to keep you safe.
If you have the means, get with a good therapist who can help you through this. Otherwise if there's someone close who you can trust, you could ask them. If you don't have any of that, feel free to DM me--probably not as helpful as someone you know, but better than going it alone.
Firstly thank you, I wasn't sure if anyone would see this and your comment was very kind.
Can I ask if you did something special with the therapist or just regular therapy? I did read online on therapy methods that aim specifically to uncover repressed memories, but a part of me is scared that my brain will placebo a memory because I already have this suspicion in my head.
Which is why I might be avoiding therapy (I know 😅)
That's a fair concern. I didn't do anything particularly geared toward uncovering suppressed memories, it just sort of happened along the way.
In my case, I was working on reconciling my emotions with the rest of me (which I had largely suppressed and cut off, leading to years of depression). So recovering those memories was part of that journey--I couldn't reconcile the emotions until I could understand why there was so much fear and pain.
I was also concerned at first about the validity of my recovered memories. Even now, I can't say with 100% certainty that they are accurate, but it's enough for me to heal from whatever the exact trauma was. The thing to remember is this: regardless of the events that took place, your emotions are very real, and it's worth exploring for that reason alone.
And a therapist will know how to lead you through it--you're likely not the first for them, and there's probably nothing you can tell an experienced therapist that will shock them. A good therapist won't push you beyond what you can handle--they're sort of like a coach or personal trainer, helping you reach your (mental health) goals.
You’re definitely not alone in this. Matches really closely with my experience. As long as I can remember I can’t recall childhood memories to the point that the child version of me feels like a different person - dissociation is strong. It’s been bothering me more and more and has had me thinking something traumatic must have happened because what else would explain it?
I’ve been in therapy for half a year now and learning a lot about myself. I’ve been doing EMDR with my therapist and it’s been enlightening. I haven’t uncovered any specific major traumatic event yet but I’m connecting with suppressed and abandoned parts of myself. For the moment I’m going with the assumption that I have CPTSD (complex PTSD) which is a chronic version of the acute PTSD. I’ve also learned I have a fearful (or disorganized) attachment style and am a carrier of toxic shame so I’d recommend looking into those concepts since they seem to correlate.
I’m proud of you for posting and questioning - you’re on the path, my friend :)
Thank you, your support (and others') really helps.
When I posted this I was worried that no one would respond, and the fact that so many people did, with really good advice, helps me a lot.
I think my next step is finding a therapist, not right now but I feel confident that I'll do it, it's just scary to decide to really investigate this.
It took a good while for me to start therapy as well haha. It is scary.. I was terrified of what I’d find out and to expose myself. But it wasn’t bad at all. The fear of it was far worse than the process. And the most difficult bits were also the most healing. Let me know if you have any questions ❤️
Same, same, same, same, same. For years I thought it was just totally normal to remember next to nothing prior to about 11 or so. Over the years a few other things came together than made me really go "hrrrmmm". I've never really done anything to pick at it though ... it is what it is, and it's already played out in my life in the worst ways it will (alcoholism, extremely unhealthy relationships, rampant adultery, etc.) ... doesn't even seem worth the effort for me at this point.
If I could have stopped those things before they started by addressing and dealing with this stuff when I was younger though, that would have been worth it for sure! If it's bugging you, get to the bottom of it, safely, with a qualified professional! Best of luck, and I really admire your courage to post this.
Thank you, all of your support has really touched me.
Thank you so much ❤️