It's weird, it's like a four way conflict between trans women, cis crossdressers, well meaning cis allies speaking over the former, and transphobes.
I think people should be allowed to call themselves what they like personally. But they should be able to veto what others call them. But setting a single universal norm doesn't make sense
What I find really sad is how fast people call others transphobic. Numerous times I've even seen trans people being called transphobic.
Sometimes it's also just people making honest mistakes and sometimes people double down on shitty positions if cornered by an insult like being called a transphob. Is that ok? No but it's also human nature unfortunately.
But I get it there is a lot of hate especially in recent times where it is a constant topic in the US culture war. And it must be exhausting to see hate in so many places. A lot of actual transphobic people are akso not acting in good faith of course. This just makes me more sad :(