Comcast - You don’t have any other options.
This reminds me of a movie from the early 90s called Crazy People. An ad exec has a nervous breakdown and ends up in an institution. He accidentally sends off truthful ads that he and the other patients write, they get produced, and they are very successful. It was a pretty funny movie. Some examples of the campaigns
"Metamucil: It helps you go to the toilet. If you don't use it, you'll get cancer and die."
"You may think phone service stinks since deregulation, but don't mess with us, because we're all you've got. In fact, if we fold, you'll have no damn phones. AT&T - we're tired of taking your crap!"
"Paramount Pictures presents 'The Freak.' This movie won't just scare you, it will fuck you up for life."
"Porsche. It's a little too small to get laid IN, but you get laid the minute you get out!"
"Volvos, Yes they are boxy, but they're safe".
Those are oddly compelling.
They're refreshing, really. I'd buy things with slogans like that.
I had completely forgotten about this movie until you mentioned it!
I recall there also being a Sony ad that focused on Japanese stereotypes and how they were shorter and therefore their eyes were closer to the chips they were building, and that made them better than western manufacturers, with some clips of westerners completely failing at their jobs; that one actually made me laugh out loud.
Edit: Found the clip - Sony - Because Caucasians are just too damn tall.
"Jaguar, for men who want hand jobs from beautiful women they hardly know."
Man, Atari really had strange ads
Google: Don't be evil. We'll know if you are.
Google's turning into a creepy Santa.
He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake,
he knows when you've turned adblock on, so turn it off for goodness sake.Alternatively: Oh you like this product? Sucks to be you.
Google: The World Leader at Shipping the Org Chart.
Google: Ok, yea we are evil. You got us. But now we're "Alphabet" so pretend something's changed.
Nvidia: "Fuck you, pay me."
Target - Youll pay more to avoid Walmart.
Lego: the same product since the fifties, and that's actually a good thing
Lego: Same great plastic; now with all your favorite Hollywood franchises!
@kaupas24 BMW now our cars have DLCs and subscriptions.
Let's add gamemification to the road!!!Amazon should be "You want shit fast more than you want us to pay a living wage."
Nestle: doesn't your tap water taste better in our plastic, anyway?
Nintendo: you're gonna buy our game at full price on our console and you're gonna like it.
Niantic: thanks for your data, now give us $5 for this 2 cents worth of content.
Verizon Wireless: Because your dad gets a deal through his job.
Dasani: When you're desperately quenched.
Ibuprofen: Cheaper and faster than the American healthcare system.
KFC: It tastes like chicken
@kaupas24 Microsoft then: we used to monopolize the market by a shitty behavior (embrace, extend, & extinguish).
Microsoft now: we bribe politicians and have a good PR department to continue with our shitty new behavior (buying companies to fuck them up).
Harbor Freight: When you want it cheap and need it once
Harbor Freight: Come for the free flashlight that will last 10 minutes. Stay because there's only one cashier and the line is across the store.
Sprite "get thirstier, with bonus diabetes"
Q-Tips: Of course they're for ears, but we aren't paying if you bust your eardrum.
Apple: You'll buy it anyway.
Apple: Sorry none of your old adapters will work with the new phone.
Going for positivity here.
Fluke: "Our $1000 multimeter is just as accurate as the $30 one you got at O'Reilly Auto parts, but you can actually trust ours to be accurate."
Red Wing: "You won't ever need a new pair of boots unless you grow out of them."
Costco: "Come for the hot dogs, get cheap gas on the way out." (Seriously, like half my trips to Costco are just for a hotdog and a tank of gas.)
Toyota: "This car will outlive you"
Pepsi - for when they don't have coke.
Here's something-
Lay's: Flavoured air
WebMD: Yes, you have a terminal illnessOpenAI: Neither open nor intelligent.
OpenAI: We're worried this might destroy the world, so we're doing it first.
Nike
Just let poor Asian underage and underpaid workers do it
McDonald's
I'm lovin' the wild deforestation of the Amazon rainforest that comes with it
Apple
Think different but still buy our piece of shit overpriced products so you won't feel excluded from the flock of moronic sheep you crave attention from
[edit: more came to my mind]
Netflix: we may cancel this series, watch it at your own risk
Shein, Clothes by kids for kids.
Adidas - Because our founder's full name sounds inappropriate
Reddit: The Front Page of the Internet (maintained by suckers for free)
Nissan- yeah, our cars are cheap-ish, and we finance ANYONE, but that’s so we can butt-fuck you on parts when our cars inevitably break, repeatedly.
ARMALITE: Mass Murder for the Masses
Microsoft - we hate our customers
Microsoft: Are you sure you don't want to use our shitty browser/media player/login? Just in case you change your mind, we'll keep reminding you every week for the rest of your life.
Microsoft Windows: Because deep down, you know that using computers is wrong, and you should be punished for it.
Apple: Because we know better than you.
Linux: You can't really tell if it's user-friendly until you've recompiled it all.
Applebee's: When you want a skillet meal, but can't be bothered to heat it yourself
Why microwave food myself when I can go to Applebee's for (triple) microwaved food?
Reddit: If we wanted your opinion, we'd beat it out of you.
“And if you give your opinion, we will call it blackmail”
Obligatory fuck spez.
Sysco would just drop any pretense of branding and rename themselves as "Famine, the third horseman of the Apocalypse" and nothing would change about their business supplying all of the fast food in North America basically.
Any company naming themselves after the four horseman would probably see an uptick in business
