Is failing to set boundaries cheating?
Is failing to set boundaries cheating?
A month ago I found out that my (30's ftm) live-in boyfriend of 3 years (30's m) was sexting with various guys and making plans to meet up. We fought, made up, and got into therapy. Things are slowly healing.
Today I found out that an old friend of his that he used to sext with before our relationship still sends him nudes regularly on snapchat. I found out because my bf had saved a bunch of them. My bf says that he never responds to them and so he didn't think it was an issue. I disagree - If anyone I knew irl ever sent me nudes I would immediately delete it, ask them not to send more, and tell my bf about it.
My question is, was his lack of action yet another instance of cheating?
All he had to say was "Hey, I'm in a relationship now, we can't keep doing this" and that would have ended the whole thing. Your boyfriend, however, enjoys the attention that he recieves from these people and decided to continue regardless of your relationship. Despite any rationalization he may give you about it, he knew all of that information and made the conscious decision to keep going.
I’m not sure if cheating is the right word but it doesn't need to be defined behavior to be fucked up. It’s not okay. I don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship but from my personal perspective, I’ve been married 16 years, neither of us would ever allow this to happen without setting a boundary. It’s just disrespectful to your partner to let it go on. Plus it becomes a red flag as to what else they’re letting go on. If you’re in a committed relationship you deserve the respect that goes along with that.
I'm with you. There are some things in life that are just obvious without having to be told. You don't go around punching workmates in the face and they don't specifically have to put that in the onboarding. You don't walk around a kid's playground with no pants. You don't continue to accept nudes from other people after you start a relationship.
I think many or most monogamous people would consider this to be a form of infidelity without having to explicitly define boundaries.
I can understand his mistakes unless you’ve already discussed what monogamy means to you. That said I definitely do think that his behavior stretches the boundaries of what I’d assume monogamous people will be ok with.
But beyond that. Do you think you’ll both stay comfortable with the boundaries you have? It sounds like he’s not committed to monogamy and isn’t going to put in the effort to communicate about it.
Something I learned along the way: doesn't matter what you call it or what semantics are used, if it crosses your boundaries and makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to voice your concern and set boundaries and expectations about the behavior going forward. Don't frame it as a "you need to stop doing x" but rather as "I'm not comfortable with a partner who engages in X. If you can't respect my boundaries then we may want to go our separate ways." If your partner cannot respect you enough to change their behavior even though you've communicated that it makes you uncomfortable and unhappy, then find another partner love. Life is too short to be with people who don't respect you on the basic level as a human being.
Bottom line: if you're not ok with it, a good partner would stop engaging in the behavior (assuming of course that the request isn't born out of mental health/irrational thought or they can produce a compelling reason as to why their need to continue engaging in the behavior supercedes your right to set boundaries).
Thanks for your write up. I get the sense that you have a lot more experience and maturity in relationships than I do. I think where I'm struggling is that he keeps saying that it meant nothing and my concerns are valid and he won't do it again, but I hang onto the fact that it shouldn't have happened in the first place. Like I've never sent nudes to someone unless we were in a relationship but to him that's just playful innocent fun. I think it's coming down to a difference of underlying moral character, and so I find it very hard to believe him when he says it won't happen again. Because tbh this happened 3 years ago and he swore repeatedly that it wasn't happening, that he didn't have time or energy for that, but in fact he was in a full blown relationship with another man even if they never met in person. I just feel so stupid.
You aren't stupid. Someone used your love and emotions against you and violated your trust and then continued to abuse it. You are guilty only of seeing the best in someone you care for. But don't feel down. Some people aren't right for others and why settle for someone who either doesn't care about your feelings or who is deliberately doing these things? You deserve a partner that treats you like a partner and can understand and value your boundaries.
I've been on both sides of it, as much as I hate to admit that. I can't tell you anything that will stop your immediate hurt or pain, nor give you an answer on what you should do. Ultimately you are the only one who can decide where you go from here.
I will observe, however, that your trust in this person seems to be fractured (both due to this incident and past incidents), and that's not something that can easily be overcome. It can be overcome, but it requires intentional and ongoing work by both parties, as well as a lot of time. And even then, things won't ever be the same (that's not to say they can't be good or that they'll be bad, they'll just be different).
Along with this, there seems to be an acknowledgment on your part that your partner's character is likewise not up to par (regardless of whether or not this was to happen again), which is something not to be brushed off lightly if this is an important quality in a partner for you.
At the end of the day, only you know what the best answer is for you. There should be no shame or fear regardless of what you end up choosing, though it's natural to feel that way at first when confronting the decision(s). You're human, though, and caught in a really shitty situation. Give yourself grace and space. Don't feel pressured to make up your mind or make a decision on anyone's timeline but yours. This person broke your trust multiple times and if they can't handle your decision or try to make you feel guilty for how you process (so long as you're not being harmful or destructive of course), then that should be an answer in and of itself imo.
Good luck and feel free to ping anytime to chat. I'm sorry you're going through this now, but this too will pass.
It may not be cheating, but it is still inappropriate. It doesn't have to be cheating to be a problem. And I'm not sure I believe your bf when he says he doesn't respond. Why would the ex keep sending him nudes regularly if the ex wasn't getting any response? In my experience, once a cheater always a cheater.
Sounds like manipulation.
Howso?