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I’ve seen you struggling with existential questions a lot here. Are you going to therapy?
There are so many people who deserve it more, now why would I block them from receiving help, so I could be an even bigger burdensome waste of resources? Bruh, come on. My mother literally took food from a food bank that she didn't need, made each family member (except me because I'd escape) do it and take 4 times the amount alotted to each household, to just NOT use. Literally wasting resources that someone in need could use. Why would I do that myself?
I'm just saying if your life was ruined at the start then it's ruined forever, either continue living a ruined life or give up.
Hatte to be mister smarty-pants here, but empirically if your life was ruined from the start, your chances of recovery through therapy are actually much higher then for someone who ruined it himself/got Ill later on in life.
The thing is: finding therapy that works for you is a process on its own. You will likely have to try a lot of them to find a good one who has free slots. But you will find one eventually and if you have it does help!
Just one word of caution: go to to ones who actually have a Dr./major/magister in psychology and are registered doctors.
I hope you life in a country with good universal healthcare, if so you can just go to a therapist (they offer single sittings for cases like that) and discuss with him what kind of therapy could work for you and what the next address can be.
I am someone who is not religious and believes everyone should have a free decision if they want to live or not, but my galeart says: man, don't give yourself up, especially not because of damage inflicted on you by others. All the best from germany
You have all the right to claim a spot in society and use the resources it offers you. It is not wasted! You can turn things around if you really try. I would really urge you to seek out therapy.
I'll say I've definitely struggled with the same feelings of someone else being in greater need than I am. And from my perspective, you are the person that deserves it more.
Have you ever thought about the first painful sensation a baby ever has? They have no frame of reference for it, and so in that moment it will have been the worst pain they have ever experienced. But to an older person, that same pain is probably just a pinch on the wrist. Does that mean that nobody should console the baby? Ease its pain? Maybe there are people in greater pain than you, or maybe you are the one in greater pain, and unless you have the ability to live another person's experiences one-to-one, you will never know for sure. All that matters is that you are hurting. Don't deprive yourself of help just because of some torturous hypothetical.
You are someone in need. You're not sponging resources. These resources are there to be used by someone who needs the help. You do.
You're also not your mother.
You are around 20 years old? Means you likely have many more ahead of you. I had a couple of massive twists and turns in my life. Some within, some outside my control. I know enough people who will say the same. You simply don't know what will happen tomorrow. Anyone who claims to even know what exactly the weather will be like in two weeks is just not telling the truth, let alone what a human life will be like tomorrow or in a few years.
Keep going! You only have one life. You don't know what's coming.