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What i am? I'm so confused and i need opinions...

Hello! I'm here 'cause i'm very, VERY confused about what i am. I'm 26, virgin, never even kissed. I have always thought i was (and maybe, deep down, still think) a straight guy, but now i don't know anymore. Now i'm very very confused about my sexuality and masculinity.

I wanna say that i watch sissy hypno (porn videos that should brainwash you to become and think like a girl) since i was 16 years old. Now when i watch porn i always imagine to be the girl. I have used my mom's clothes in the past (i don't remember if i already started watching sissy hypno). I'm also in a particular situation down there: I think I'm so conditioned by sissy hypno, bbc, big cocks, porn etc that now i don't properly "jerk off" anymore, 'cause now i always cum HANDSFREE (without touching myself), in my underwear and in my pants, just watching porn and imagining to be the girl... i literally wet myself. As i said before, i have always thought i was a straight guy, although i have become kind of "obsessed" with a particular porn actor (a male one), and he REALLY makes me doubt my sexuality a lot... I have also favourite female pornostars, but with them i'm never 100% sure WHY i like them so much... If it's because i simply wanna have sex with them or 'cause i wanna be LIKE them.

I have tried to stop watching porn (my record is a month) but nothing changes. I always come back and i have always urges to be a girl. If i stop and i try to masturbate with pics of solo girls it's "difficult" for me, 'cause it's difficult to think about having sex with them, but i think things like "i wanna be her friend"/"I wanna dress up with/like her"/"I wanna take pics in front of the mirror with her"/"I wanna be like her" etc...

The problem is that i think i'm not a girl and that i'm not gay 'cause i think it's just a fetish. If when i'm horny i imagine to be a girl, when i cum PNC (Post Nut Clarity) hits and i wanna be a guy again. It's like having 2 different personalities. Also, i don't think i'm gay 'cause okay, maybe i like cock, but JUST if it's big and thick, otherwise no... It could exist the most beautiful man in the world, but if he does not have a big thick cock i won't like him.

So yeah, that's me... sorry if it's too long and sorry for bad english but i'm not a native speaker.

What do you think i am? I need opinions and suggestions...

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  • I'm by no means an expert on porn addiction, or what being addicted or obsessed about one particular subgenre of it could make you feel. However, I can say that I think we can identify different feelings in what you're saying that might not be as correlated as you think they are. It's very common for trans feminine people to have gender experiences connected with sexuality and fantasy. It's one of the few times in society where a small modicum of vulnerability is permissible to exist for us, and it allows us to connect with an aspect of society's conventional feminine in a way that is detached from repression and social consequences (assuming that no one else knows).

    What I mean to say is that a lot of trans feminine people discover aspects of their gender through sexual experiences. I did, and I am absolutely a woman, and the fact that in my own sexual fantasies pre transition I preferred to fantasize about being one makes me no less of a woman. Most women don't have sexual fantasies about being men, cisgender or transgender. I also used to feel so gross and ashamed after and would swear to myself I'd do everything I could to be the most masculine boy I could be and to conform neatly to societies expectations of me. I'd pretend it wasn't real and shove it all back down into the part of my subconscious I tried to ignore. I could never see myself growing up to be a man. But I tried to, when clarity hit or however you'd prefer to call it.

    When I said that there are different feelings at play, I mean that your sexuality and your gender are all mixed up in how you're describing your feelings. Your sexual preferences may or may not involve men, men aren't the only ones with dicks though and much of what you described seems to revolve around that anatomy in particular. So it's hard to say exactly. Would you date a man? Is it purely the fantasy of someone else responding to you as a woman? Something to think about for sure. Sapphic trans women exist though so like. There's not really a correlation between attraction to men and being a trans feminine person.

    Your feelings describing relating to women, wanting to experience friendship between women, traditionally feminine and girly experiences - are all things a lot of transfeminine people feel pre transition. Those thoughts and feelings are tangled up in your sexuality though and its worth it to seperate them. Think about them when youre not engaging in fantasy. Try things that you want to try, explore parts of yourself thar you want to explore. It's not like these thoughts alone say that you're trans or that you should transition, but you can live that reality you can be that person if you want to. Consider simply that it might not be a fetish. That it could be something worth exploring. Do something simple, innocuous, like painting your nails or ordering a skirt online to try wearing yourself. Spend time trying things you've always wanted to, letting go of shame you may feel about them. I think the answers you're looking for are there for you to find.

17 comments