The idea of ‘passing’ or acting in a specific way is not only unfairly limiting but also dangerous for ourselves and others.
I'm not concerned about looking a certain way as much as, if this makes any sense, being in communion with the eternal essence of womanhood, the platonic form, if you will. I feel severed from this, like I was damned to be a male; all that's left is this desperate longing. Dressing "as a woman", or bullying people into pretending I'm a woman can't begin to satisfy it.
there’s no such thing as a ‘real girl’
I guess we (might?) differ in that I believe there is some sort of "absolute" womanhood (and it presents in infinitely many ways); I just feel disconnected from it.
Or would you feel happy having people accept you as a woman who happens to be trans?
I live in what's nominally a very liberal area but in my experience from when I first transitioned any "acceptance" felt either performative (e.g. "I'm such a good person for playing along with your delusion") or coerced (e.g. "I have to respect your ""gender identity"" or I might get fired").
But I guess the core of it is that I don't see myself as valid. I'm not a girl because I'm not a girl. I certainly should have been born a girl, and I wish I was a girl, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
Reluctant Detransition
I’m curious how other folks have managed life after detransition. Due to mental health stuff (ended up in “grippysock jail” over half a dozen times) and later losing health insurance, I detransitioned some years ago. Semi-recently I went back on hormones, got an orchiectomy (which eased bottom dysphoria considerably), and now find myself stuck somewhere in the middle. I present as male exclusively.
I get that some people may wish to perform gender along the lines of what I’m describing, and that’s totally valid but it is not the case for me. I find the current state of affairs incredibly frustrating: I would like to be perceived as a woman. Or at least part of me does - another part doesn’t care and is waiting until I can become an hero and end the whole sordid business. In either case, presenting as female poses significant challenges, and I’m too depressed and discouraged to even try to surmount them. Even when I was more functional and had the pecuniary advantage of an allowance, it was very clear that no matter how well I honed the art of “presenting” as female, I would probably never pass.
So, to restate the question, how do people deal with the fact that (as those in some quarters of the internet put it) “you will never be a real girl”?
(and incidentally, should anyone be concerned, I'm safe and currently under psychiatric care)