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Mirror on the wall
Mirror, mirror on the wall, Do I see myself at all?
Why's this beard so thick and vast In my image that you cast? Why's there so much body hair? And the breasts that I should bear? And these arms so far from slender? Where's the sight of my true gender?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, What I've seen has made me crawl.
All I wish you'd show to me Is the woman I can't see. Not the fairest of them all, For whom anyone would fall, Nor a pretty one, indeed. Just a woman's all I plead.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, I can't blame you, after all. You're a physical device Meant to show what's in their eyes.
Mirror, mirror on the wall. You can't hear me as I call. But I'll ask you anyway: Will you show myself one day?
-- Lady Scarecrow
I just had my first dysphoria attack
So I became fairly recent aware and confident enough to accept my inner self being a woman instead of a man, like my body. All of my friends are super affirming and supportive, and I totally love them for having them!
But thats the good side of it all. There is the bad side as well.
Just randomly, during a quite boring company online meeting, I scrolled through some toots, listend to some music and to their presentation, I got such a severe anxiety attack. I don't know why, or what I could do. I was just bawling my eyes out. All those negative emotions of just being different, that there are groups in our society that dont accept us or even worse attack us hit me all at once.
It was utterly horrible. I sat there in my chair for atleast 10 minutes, unable to do anything but cry and destroy my mind.
Then I got a smidge of courage and joined my friends (who also happen to be colleagues from the same team) discords voice chat. Just expressing that I'm fricking awful and telling them about it. How I feel and all, but unable to determine a trigger. Sure they couldn't really "help" me, giving me advice or whatever. But that they were just listening, and understanding was already enough to get me out of that awful hole.
I am so lucky that I have them, just one click away.
Sorry for the ramblings, but I just had to somewhat write all of that shit down.