[OC][FB] Arrows
[OC][FB] Arrows
I stand (archers ready)
With my fingers notching back
The hunter’s soaring blade
Waiting for a command
My eyes twinkle. Across the line
A hundred hundred men stand
Ready to hunt, to kill.
But before that we must
Wait for (swish) a signal.
Together as one.
An arrow flies.
Alone, uncalled for, it flies
And is easily dodged by the oncoming army
Now aware, now alert.
(Fire!)
We let loose at once.
Together, as one.
Though they know our presence, they fall.
Horses neigh, armour clangs, dropping dead.
Apollo guides our bowstrings as we pull back again
(archers ready) to bring another volley
Like divine judgement upon the foe.
Volley after volley
raining on the valley of their skulls
And as the sun goes down
We are victorious: together.
Sums of each part, yet greater.
I really like the way this piece feels! The building tension is analogous to the pull of a bowstring, which I find incredibly appropriate! I think the conclusion feels especially powerful. Those last two lines are probably my favorite because, while familiar, they seem to say something unique in the metaphor.
As for a bit of constructive criticism, if you take this back to the writer's table, I think you could do more with the tension. Really help the reader feel the anxiety—the pressure. If you were to build it a bit more early, the stanza about the single arrow would provide some relief, then allow you to sink back into that feeling of apprehension again, before finally turning to reach the conclusion at the end.
All in all, this is enjoyable! Don't take my words harshly, or as law! Thank you for sharing!