Republican Leadership Concerned Its “Mountain Dew Baja Blast” Caucus May Divide Party on Greenland Name Change

(Washington DC) As the republican party continues to deliver on their campaign promises in a rapid yet still slow-motion-trainwreck manner, cracks are beginning to show in party unity. As the republicans move to buy Greenland and rename it “Red, White, and Blueland,” opposition is starting to emerge from inside the party, with representatives “loosely attached to and partially funded in times of need” by Mountain Dew, a subsidiary of Pepsi. These representatives (and one republican senator) are not happy about the change, and are vocal.

“When I think of Greenland, I think of the cool, refreshing taste of Mountain Dew,” said one member of the appropriately named Baja Blast Caucus. “It doesn’t matter if you are snowboarding or watching massive sheets of ice slide into the sea, it should be done with the color green firmly in mind. With this in consideration, we have proposed the name be changed instead to The Great Taste of Mountain Dew Original Land.”

Mountain Dew, known for it’s sugary soda and brief, disastrous sponsorship of childhood obesity, “sponsors” 8 members of congress, and is said to be looking to hire more, for problems exactly like this one. “Greenland was already named to deceive settlers once,” said one Mountain Dew representative, “and once is enough. I mean who’s going to pay a representative to fight for red white and blue, the popsicle lobby?” He thought for a minute. “Well, maybe the Chinese flag manufacturing lobby. I didn’t think of that.”

Already competition is strong for renaming cities in the country as well. “Reykjavik is hard to pronounce,” a confused republican congresswoman declared. “We should rename it Freedomtown. Or maybe Nestle.”

Danish officials could not be reached for comment on the naming rights of their territories.