China Demands US Slow Its Collapse and Stick to Chinese Timetables.

(Beijing, China) Not even a month into the administration, the policies of donald trump have quickly sought to remake the US government in his interests. As government agencies shutter, international aid stops, and unneeded enemies are made from allies, one international competitor is spinning trying to keep up.

“We thought 60 years to be the dominant power,” says one Chinese official that asked we will call Win to protect his identity. “This shit is ridiculous, slow down and let us catch up, this is too fast.”

Win, one of many Chinese officials working to bring China to world supremacy, is one of many in the Chinese government alarmed with the rapid, some would say spirally out-of-control, behavior of the trump regime. “Under a normal US President, we would work twenty years to place a bug in his office. We sent a dozen off brand air tags to his office in a white envelope last week, spray painted gold and saying ‘trump + appil’ on them. He put them on all his luggage. We misspelled Apple!” He took a hard drag on his cigarette. “This is like throwing babies in a shark tank. Too easy, not fun.”

Pacific Rim countries also feel the whip lash as the balance quickly changes. “America still has the larger military,” said one Philippine general, “but how fast can you drive a Lamborghini on quaaludes? I mean, American ships go through our waters all the time,” he rationalized. “Maybe the Chinese just really want a base and prostitutes, like the Americans.

China hawks in Congress are also distracted by the problems at home. “Did you know a gay man could have sat on the same toilet as me in the Congressional offices,” one republican Senator was overheard telling Lindsey Graham (R - S.C.). A gay man’s bottom and mine could have been touching… Lindsey, stop smiling, this is serious!”

How far China will go as America falters is anyone’s guess, but Win feels concern at the windfall. “America became dominant in the world very quickly as a world war ravaged most of the world but them. This administration can’t be as bad as a war killing millions, can they?” His look of concern was telling. “I hope this doesn’t turn us into an America. I want my kids to have opportunities when we seize the world and suck the marrow from its bones.”

The president’s office was trying on goofy hats and unable to comment by publish.