[Update] Will properly come out to my wife of 6 years in the next week or so. Any advice is appreciated ✨️
[Update] Will properly come out to my wife of 6 years in the next week or so. Any advice is appreciated ✨️
Hey everyone, first time posting. Hoping there are others with similar experiences who can share insight, but at minimum I want to put my thoughts down. I [29MtF] am pre-everything, but have accepted I am trans for the last 4 years with the understanding I would never transition. Continuing to live ...
Link to my first post. When we were sharing our new year's resolutions with each other earlier this month, I told her I want to he more true to myself, and more honest with her. I told her she deserves that, and that I love her.
We have talked about having "a conversation" soon. For us, we understand this to mean at least 2-3 hours where we sit down intending to talk without being interrupted. Time has continued to get away from us as we are settling into being parents as well with a 2 month old.
We have each made mentions of, "the conversation", and how we haven't forgotten, just haven't had the right moment yet.
Girls, I am just so proud of myself for taking this step. Even though nothing has really happened yet, it feels like more has happened in the last month than in my entire life.
You're viewing a single thread.
I've just banned a few accounts that were spouting transphobia in this thread.
Here is a reply I made to Alteon which I think adds helpful context. I do think some of their concerns had validity, even though I don't believe they applied to my situation. Also, thank you for moderating this community!
"Thanks for sharing your perspective. I read through your other comments as well. Thankfully, my wife is in a very solid place at the moment. I was able to take the first 2 months off work to help raise our child, and we made sure to make financial arrangements where she could take extended time off work before returning to her career. We haven't had any sort of "Mac and Cheese" moments like you mentioned. A big part of why I haven't already told her anything is because I wanted to be sure she felt secure and comfortable when we had this conversation.
Another thing I'd like to add is that having a child was a very difficult decision for me. Obviously it's a big deal for both of us, but she actually wanted a child. When she and I were dating, we agreed not to have children. About a year into our marriage, she changed her mind. We talked about it for years, and eventually we agreed to be a one-and-done family. I wanted her to be happy; I didn't want to deprive her of a child. Furthermore, I realised I would rather have her in my life with a child, than no child without her. She never gave me such an ultimatum, but I never wanted to get close to something like that. I certainly don't think I have "saddled" her in the way that word implies.
About this conversation we are planning to have. I do expect it to go well. I am not certain, but I expect it to. Part of the reason is I am not sitting her down to say, "this is how things are, deal with it." Like the rest of our relationship, we will have an open dialogue about what works best for us. I have made many sacrifices for her over the years, and I will happily make many more. She has done and will continue to do the same for me, even if it doesn't necessarily look the way I would hope it to. That is the nature of compromise.
If all that comes from this is that she knows about my dysphoria and the daily struggle it is for me so that I can confide in her about it, that's okay. Even better if she is fully supportive, but I want to continue having a relationship where we share our strengths and weaknesses with each other. This is the one piece of me that hasn't been shared.
If this makes me sound like an asshole, then I don't know what to say. Hope you continue having a nice day."
Alteons reply to you showed their true colours though. They weren't here to change their perspective. They were here to tell you off for being trans in a way they don't agree with.
This is frankly ridiculous.
I didn't come here to tell OP off for being trans at all. Not even remotely. And the fact that you deduce my post to simply being "transphobic" is insulting and flat out wrong.
I did however say that getting their spouse pregnant and having a kid before having this discussion with said spouse is a bit unfair to them. Nothing about that is transphobic, and frankly, it's rather frustrating that this is getting so blown out of proportion.
This is a much better reply than that person deserved.
You're clearly in a very communicative relationship and regardless of what happens, I feel it's going to go well.
You're a really cool person, Kayday. I'm glad you have such an open and caring relationship with your wife. Wishing you the best, I'm sure your talk will go great!
Thank you Ada
Nothing about my comment was remotely transphobic. At all.
My issue was entirely related to the fact that OP has known about this for years and proceeded to get pregnant with someone before either a.) Talking first, or b.) postponing the pregnancy.
OP made a selfish decision by doing that. Does that mean they should stay closeted? Not at all!
So, please, be clear here: is this community about blind support regardless of people's choices, or are we allowed to actually have discussion here? Because if we're not allowed to actually discuss these things, I'll remove myself voluntarily. Blind support regardless of nuance or circumstance is frankly ridiculous.
My only suggestion to them was that they should at least hold off telling their spouse until the post-pregnancy hormones wear off and things have stabilized around that house. Is this the comment that was considered transphobic? Again, just asking for clarification here...