Come one come all to the Lemmy-verse! It's nice and cozy here, we do have some "bad parts of town" but you can do an instance block and not deal with them lol
Hexbear/Grad is difficult to see things from because most instances including yours iirc defeds from them
.ml is less widely defed'd from because they tend to keep things more subtle (possibly in an attempt to prevent a larger defed movement like what happened with Hexbear and Grad) and in the comments rather than overt in your face posts like Hex/grad tend to do and generally just get removed and widely downvotes when they try to post those comments outside the Tankie Triad safe space
.ml Is also more likely to just remove dissenting voices under their catch-all "rule 1"
.ml is also less likely to defed because one of the main Lemmy devs uses it as his home instance. So if you defed from .ml, you miss out on Lemmy firmware posts.
.ml is run by the Lemmy devs, and Lemmy is such a shitty piece of software that admins often need the devs to be actively involved during things like upgrades to keep everything from breaking. Therefore, they have to let .ml get away with things that would get any other instance defederated.
Nothing's going to improve until alternatives like PieFed, Sublinks and mbin become ready for prime-time. As long as we keep using the Lemmy software, we're fucked.