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I was actually going to write a fresh post, but then I realized that a lot hasn't changed since the last time I posted here. Here's the old post if you're interested.

Short version: I cannot find employment at all in my field (electrical engineering). It's not "we're not hiring", it's "we're not hiring you." I need to pay bills. I am physically and emotionally exhausted from being so close to poverty for so long.

What has changed:

• I have been through about 10 interviews. Furthest I've gotten in one company's hiring process is to 2nd interview. Rather than 30 applications, I have filled out over 150 applications, but I've honestly lost track. No offers. I have exhausted all the entry-level engineering opportunities my college's job board has to offer. I literally have to wait for new jobs to be posted because I applied for everything. The problem is that I don't have experience. My resumé is fine (probably) as it gets me interviews, but I simply do not have engineering experience. I am fully convinced that no engineering firm will hire me in my current state.

• I ran out of meds about a month ago, so I feel a lot more irritable. My parents have offered to pay for a psych appointment and meds, but like...once. I will take it, but I'm waiting until I know for sure I can get more meds by the time I run out.

• To my absolute shock, I was accepted to pursue a master's degree at my alma mater, and the Financial Aid department has assured me that I qualify for financial aid. So at least I'm allowed to...go into further debt for further education. Yay.

Now if capitalism [1] were not an issue, I would immediately pounce at the opportunity to do a masters degree. I enjoy learning and if I thought I could choose, I would go into research. However, I gotta pay the rent (even and especially if I live with my parents), I gotta eat, and I gotta pay back the loans. Even if I go with the degree, I have to make money to pay the rent while I'm in school.

My degree is/would be in electrical engineering. I always told myself I'd be able to get a job after all this, I always told myself I picked a "safe" major. But I can't do this anymore. I can't be constantly living on the edge of poverty like this. And the fucking interviewers are starting to ask about the gap in my work history since I fucking graduated. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET EXPERIENCE IF YOU STUPID FUCKS WON'T LET ME GET EXPERIENCE?!?!? I wish I never went back to fucking school and I fucking hate my life.

[1] Not looking to proselytize or debate politics, but I'm not sure how else to explain to people what economic impulses force me and most other humans to act against our interests. If it bothers you, replace "capitalism" with whatever you think is responsible for making ordinary people act against their economic interests.

I hope this is welcome here, as it's about autistic burnout. Mild CW for swearing and general negativity.

I finally got my diploma, literally just a couple hours ago.

No I'm not bragging because I'm not fucking proud. It wasn't a fucking accomplishment. I graduated with a 2.8 by the skin of my teeth. My transcript shows a recent downward trend. It took almost double the time; I did two years in four, and I took out loans to live in poverty away from home, just to limp back home to screw up the last semester.

And I fried my brain in the process. I'm not just afraid of getting a new job, but I would be nervous to even go back to the way things used to be. My parents are like "oh you can go back to pizza delivery" but what they don't seem to grasp is that I can't even do that anymore. I've been having trouble planning to do projects and activities, even things I want to do. My body feels like it permanently changed for the worse. I literally gained a hundred pounds. Taking care of hygiene feels is too tiring to finish. My ability to remember things is absolutely devastated.

It's not healthy to be on the brink of disaster for so many years.

So far, I have gotten exactly zero interviews after contacting about thirty employers. (Even the simple task of applying for work feels incomprehensibly complex. I'm good with computers, but it's just so much typing and reading the job descriptions and stuff.) What good is a degree without a job? Congratulations, I know things, but what good is that for me if I starve to death? What good is it if I can't be at peace or even comfortable? How am I supposed to pay off my loans? None of my professors liked me, I made no friends at school, joined no clubs, did no extracurriculars other than some research that I can't explain to a recruiter. I have no experience in the field, not even an internship. I don't have anything to offer an employer [1].

I have already gotten employers bring up the GPA unprompted to reject me for the position. Most engineering firms aren't interested in students with a GPA < 3. I've applied for all sorts of other jobs, but I'm competing with people who actually studied in that field. I have no projects in a state suitable to present on a resumé, and every recent attempt to start a project has gone almost nowhere.

And frankly, I'm not particularly friendly or sociable. I am ice cold, even when I'm trying to be warm. Even when I'm fully prepared for a social situation, I am still autistic, and people will inevitably find me awkward in a bad way. I'm not open about my political views IRL [2], but it's very difficult to hide my disdain for capitalism and imperialism from people who think they benefit from them [3].

I would be literally thrilled to do a master's degree in my field, as I read graduate-level material in my spare time, the rare times I have any energy. However, how could I pay for it? How could I convince an employer to pay for it with my transcript and recent downward trajectory? And if I get accepted, how do I even begin to manage that time? I could barely handle the workload of a bachelor's degree, and I can barely even handle the workload of looking for a job or even cleaning my body.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to be able to do things like I used to be able to do. I just want to go back to a time when it actually felt good to achieve my goals. If y'all have any similar experiences, advice, or just want to dunk on my situation, I'd really like to hear it.

[1] I'm not seriously shedding a tear over these "poor employers" and how I can't provide value to them. I don't give a fuck about them, fractally so. However, the "value I offer to the company" is the lens through which they view my employability, which in turn determines the level of comfort my paycheck yields me or if I get that comfort at all.

[2] I'm not a great rhetorician. If I argue for my views, I will probably make my case look worse. It takes a lot of energy to talk, so my arguments are usually really sloppy when talking in person. For this reason, I'm very careful to look like a "normie." E.g., you would not peg me for an anarchist if you met me on the street.

[3] I don't apply for defense contractors, police contractors, or prisons for ethical reasons, mostly ACAB-related. Engineers usually have no conscience of the world outside their field; e.g., a job is a job regardless of how your product gets used. This alone kills so many otherwise excellent job opportunities, and it alienated me from my peers. Turns out that the fash pays well for your integrity.

I want to go into research, like the biomedical research I did at school, but I don't think I have the grades for that. I became an engineer to do good things with math and science. I'm not giving up on that, but I'm tempering my expectations for sure.