college hell
college hell
It's my 3rd attempt at writing this so forgive me for being disorganized. I'll try to keep it short.
Basically after long time of denying it, I have came to a conclusion that I have ADHD about 3-4 months ago. I consulted my psychiatrist about it and she says that I indeed have many ADHD symptoms (im 19m, parents pay for everything).
I live outside of US, so attending college is basically someone everyone does and so I picked Management as a field of study (you know where this is going). I had a massive hyperfixation for programming like 2 years ago but because It caused me to succumb to my interest instead of doing homework and studying, I developed a massive aversion towards it.
I have now been attending college for a few days and except for group exercises (they're very stimulating so I have no issues with focus) my focus is completely trash. Lectures being the worst, I found tapping the desk with both of my hands to temporarily help me focus, but after this I feel completely mentally exhausted. I come home and cannot do absolutely anything.
I now think of switching to computer science since maybe I'll renew my interest. Needless to say, Management is the worst fucking field of study I could've chosen since IT TOOK ME A 2 DAYS TO FINALLY GET MYSELF TO WRITE THIS. So basically when I told my parents about me wanting to switch field they replied by listining every adhd symptom i have and always had and complain about it. "you're always bored", "you keep changing your mind", "you always begin most difficult stuff then drop it."
So far my hyperfixation's had been (in order):
- programming
- stock market
- japanese language
And when I asked about getting official diagnosis they said I make shit up, then keep on complaining about every adhd personality trait i have. I told them to read about adhd on wikipedia, they didnt. They probably think im trying to get prescription for stimulants or something to get high idk. Just tell me itll be alright im shaking from anxiety. I couldnt focus on lectures because they were only a little interwsting. I also cant even watch tv series alone for the same reason and everything bad about my life has been about school. only a lecture from economics was interesting to me but i failed at exercises because 1. careless mistakes, 2. different than expected way of thinking that doesnt align with a key, although i could argue that its correct. shshdhdhcjaksjcb just tell me itll be fine. im already diagnosed with autism (by regular psychiatrist during normal meetings lol) but shell never diagnose me with adhd since its too risky, except that i dont even want stimulants just someyhing like guafancine or wellbutrin.tell mr itll be alright im losing my mind here
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There's quite a bit of comments so I'll try to reply to them all at once. I saw comments suggesting medication and I agree with them. I've tried a bunch of different things in the past (not for adhd specifically but overall):
- to-do's (they work, unless i miss something and dont write it down)
- meditation
- cold showers and while these indeed worked to improve my performance when it comes to what i like. it never helped with school and my entire life i've been misled into thinking that it's lack of motivation/laziness rather than lack of focus, while it's actually lack of focus causing lack of motivation as you can probably tell, im rather immature despite and many tasks would be done by my father instead of me. he'll just insist on doing something for me when seeing me procrastinate for days. my mom's a pharmacist, thus the issue with medication. I tried to look for other sources of my inattention like depression, anxiety, autism, sleep deprivation, caffeine dependence or even diabetes. So i'm pretty sure its adhd (i wish it wasnt)
I had a talk with my mom and although she does not understand how can i not focus even i try. she agreed to schedule a visit with my usual doctor, ill ask for a non-controlled substance as a medication and i think it'll be fine