Is personality shift normal?
Is personality shift normal?
Ever since I came out to my wife and kids, and started being myself, my personality has changed, a lot. I'm more extroverted, weirdly enough. I've been a bit sharper with the kids, not in a mean way, but, more of a no-nonsense kinda way. I used to walk around the house naked all the time, but now I feel compelled to cover up. I blame a disconnect with my body on that one.
I feel more confident to just, go up and talk to people, ask if I can take their picture. I can make posts without second-guessing myself and deleting them.
I know it's all just me finally getting in touch with myself, but it feels weird, even to me. I used to be this demure, quiet, self conscious girl, but now that I'm letting her out, she refuses to go back into the box. It's like a seal was broken. I'm having anxiety about going to my nephews birthday party, cuz I'm not out to that part of my family, and most of them are fundamental Christians.
I did manage to talk to one of my brothers today, and he accepts me, though he has some bias. Basically told me if it was anyone else, he wouldn't be so willing. So I have some work to do there. Or not, if I can't help him see people as people.
Remember, everyone, not just the trans community: You are loved. You are valid. It's okay for you to be you.
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Once I stopped suppressing my natural personality, for sure I started to get this almost irresistible confidence. Not irresistible to others like some YA fanfic, but almost irresistible to myself, where I felt I could fall easily into a trap of letting myself believe my confidence meant a lot of things it did not. It was difficult to stay grounded, and my fear was that if I did not fully appreciate the people around me I would come across as arrogant.
Because it was the first time in my life feeling this self assured, it could be easy to get carried away, it felt like elation, either a manic episode or taking mdma. Clouded my judgement, like me being trans was the only important thing in the world. Huge boost to the confidence though.
What my confidence did mean:
… that I was proud of myself for overcoming a struggle I carried for a long time.What my confidence did NOT mean, but was really tempting to allow myself to believe:
… that I could do nothing wrong. As excited as I was for myself, focussing purely on my own needs and achievements meant I inadvertently neglected the needs of other people around me, people who deserved my love and affection. That was wrong
… That I achieved what I did alone …even though I was not out to many people (or anyone at all for the first 17 years of working on myself), the compassion of everyone who did know throughout the years and the kind people who boosted me without knowing I’m trans, just by being nice people, all contributed to my mental wellbeing.
… that I did not owe anybody an explanation, or owe them gratitude. Life is very limited if you are trans and things cis people take for granted are not guaranteed for us. That said it’s so easy to get hyper focussed and myopic to only your perspective. I did too often on my journey and hurt others by expecting them to know what I was going through. It’s hard to see the wood from the trees sometimes.
To avoid conflict from this, always try to give other people the benefit of the doubt to begin with. Assume they are chatting about your identity or trans related issues in good faith. If they repeatedly show themselves to deliberately make the same mistakes step back but otherwise try exercise patience… That I did not have to work hard for recognition, and should instead step down a gear, because somehow that the world owed me something. Nobody owed me anything. I had always strived to make myself better. I want to earn peoples respect for what I do. My mission is that when people find out I’m trans I want them to have more respect for trans people as a whole.
That’s not to say I’m more deserving of respect than other trans people I’m not. Every trans person I’ve met has admirable traits im envious of. But I certainly feel more deserving of respect than the false caricature of a trans person that is painted by the media, and im more of a show don’t tell kind of gal when it comes to dismantling stereotypesPersonality change might be a good thing but that depends on the effect it has on you AND other people. Talk to your family, ask them have they noticed any changes and what they think of them.
Practice active listening and forced humility to the ones you love until it becomes second nature. People like to hear: “I hope I can be a good enough mom for you guys, I feel being a dad held me back… let me know what you like and don’t like and we can try work on it together” rather than “ you guys gotta get used to me being your mom now, you might notice some changes but that’s how it’s going to be, like it or not you gotta suck it up.” The latter fosters resentment not respect.And remember, trans or not it’s always good practice to check in with yourself and try ground yourself when you notice any changes.
Oh I've always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt. To a fault, even. I've been trying to keep a level head. You are right. Finding who I am, bringing her out of that cold, dark cell, it's intoxicating. Thankfully, the wife and kids are around to help keep me in check.
Unfortunately, too, I think I've unlocked a new set of neuroses. I'm worried I'm obsessing too much about my body hair, and I'm worried I've not been feeding myself right. Then again, old me was known to binge eat when stressed, so maybe I've cut that out since I'm me now? Gosh, this stuff is so hard to put into words. I feel like I need to invent whole new words to describe how I feel.