What do I do in this position?
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Your can't come back from that
… even if I put all three bishops in my ass?
The ass is reserved for the stockfish vibrator.
Is there a vegan alternative? I'd rather not kill the fish
There isn't a vegan one, but there is an alternative that saves fish. It's the cat based 0 elo one. Killing the cat will save many fish in the long run.