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I was diagnosed as an adult even though I knew it growing up for age since my mom said we PROBABLY were from our teachers telling her... but we were just fine and being kids so no need to intervention or medication. I got along just fine until college when I dropped out after the first year since I couldn't coast by with great test skills and doing basic homework for high school...
Meanwhile the stepson is going through all of the above still despite getting the help once I got involved more in his life lol. His mom has it too but doesn't medicate.
Meds and therapy do little for teenage bullshittery, boundary testing, a lack of friends, and an addiction to electronics no matter how many clear rules and strict enforcement you have.
Being a shithead teenager knows no bounds and affect neurotypical people alike lol.
Edit: Forgot why I commented in the first place. Top center and bottom right make no sense lol. Everyone knows, they just don't know how to deal with it. Your parents are flawed humans too and spent a lifetime hearing shit from friends and society saying MY BROTHER TURNED INTO A ZOMBIE!, DOCTORS OVERMEDICATED CHILDREN AND NOW THEY AREN'T TERRORS!, RITALIN IS A FAD AND CRUTCH FOR LAAAAAZY ENTITLED NEW GENERATIONS!!!
Not only that but everyone with ADHD is so different between each other just like neurotypical people. There's no cure all. And I know how much you motherfuckers hate yourselves, you don't think other people don't like you when you're being an ass no matter the diagnosis? Of course not. Understanding how you operate doesn't mean they get to be a doormat and it doesn't mean you get passes every time because learning to control yourself while unmasked to your family is tantamount to forming healthy close relationships. Medicating sucks for everyone initially. Trying to get people literally going through puberty to find your miracle combo of meds is beyond difficult and it's mostly about getting a bandaid on it until you grow into yourself and find who you want to be.
It's not what neurodivergent kids and parents like to hear because going through it sucks, but for 95% of teens getting to adulthood is one of the quickest ways for things to settle down. Parents have a responsibility to turn you into a decent human being and MOST are trying their best in flawed ways. Most of them just want you to be able to take care of yourself and potentially hold down a job while having some of the most BASIC skills of home life. I've seen way too many regular teenagers, let alone neurodivergent kids turn 18 and just not be able to do a damn thing. No, you don't like keeping your room clean, having to do dishes, not backtalk on accident when you hear something you don't like. Nobody likes that shit lol. But it's a skill and you have to learn through routine and constant reminders about how people are going to react.
Parents can't just trust their kid to hit 18 and turn a leaf, because you won't. Those sorts of routines and inherit traits are ingrained in your body like a piece of metal being forged. While you can change yourself when you get older, you'll be surprised just how much of what you grew up with is innate to what you're metaphorically made of. Almost ANYONE can always change at the drop of a dime though. It's what being human is all about. It's just hard as fuck depending on how ingrained shit is and can take a lot of effort into changing it, or acceptance in things you CANNOT change.
Does your stepson have a therapist he trusts? ADHD diagnosis and medication helped with school, but finally getting the right fit with a therapist made such a huge difference with my teen's social life and rapport with me and his dad. I know therapy can be crazy expected, but we found a person through Open Path Collective that does telehealth, and it's much more affordable and convenient.
I hope things get easier between you all and that he realizes how much you care about him and want to help. ❤️ Teens can be so difficult but so fucking cool, it's such a privilege to watch them develop as people.
It's mostly an unwillingness with inability to cooperate while going through the motions for him. We use state aid for his appointments so therapy for him is less an outlet and more check ins while making sure his meds are going well. They can make time if he's going through a particularly rough spot but it's normally me noticing while everyone else pretends everything is fine.
He's had a few different therapists with at least one decent one. Unfortunately he doesn't like what he hears back from them since he's VERY sheltered due to alienating himself from his peers despite me telling him some of those people are trying to offer olive branches or be friends. He suffers from being a weird kid and not understanding that he needs to lower his standards a bit too.
He has a very poor understanding of how easy he has for his home life since he was an only child for 13 years of it. He's loved and he knows it. But he also goes through big mood swings that are exacerbated with mom. When she's in a bad mood, he immediately becomes defiant. They feed off each other and it quickly becomes a negative feedback loop. They have short fuses with each other which results in him breaking his courtesy rules and mom making it worse by calling him out bluntly with little tact.
Would more therapy help or from someone different? Maybe a bit. He is very much one of the has a great month or few weeks then one bad couple days just ruins it all due to the executive dysfunction and the teenage need to pour gasoline on a fire out of spite lol.
Second to last paragraph hit home, ngl. I have adhd, gad, szpd and depression, my mum has adhd and probably either BPD or depression but refuses treatment. For a while there during the pandemic we were like oil and water. So, I can relate to your step kid.
We're doing much better now, but it took some time. Not sure where the rift is between your step kid and your partner, mine was values with my mum. It took boundaries being drawn by me for our relationship to get better. After it got better I started going to therapy, and my shrink hasn't suggested a better way to deal with the situation so, yeah. Not sure if this is any help but, yeah.
Yeah the boundaries thing is a big issue since he's still finding his. He genuinely doesn't have the ability to find out what he's REALLY feeling until after arguments and blowups. Generally I can find out what IS bothering him by just paying attention in the background but it's like pulling nails even when we ask. He knows his mom is going to sass back with her voice if not necessarily her words since she's also upset. Part of the boundary thing is that he just straight up wants to 'manage himself'. But he doesn't see what we see. He thinks staying shut up in the PC room for 18 hours while drinking only kool aid and eating a can of green beans is taking care of himself.
Like no dude lmfao. Just like if you call your mom a bitch, break shit around the house. No, you're not getting grounded for a day or given a warning. That stuff is A BIG FUCKING DEAL. That shit is weeks or longer until your behavior makes CLEAR improvements or we see you're ACTUALLY TRYING vs just doing your time. He's always had issues with flagrantly disregarding clear and reasonable requests with PLENTY of time and having to ask MULTIPLE times. He waits until you're having to YELL at him the 3rd-4th time vs asking nicely. He's learned long ago that YELLING is when he ACTUALLY HAS TO DO THE THING then gets upset he only does the thing when his mom is having to go that far. Like dude, we've gone over this repeatedly, both her and myself. Eventually your mom stops asking nicely and immediately goes to yelling since that's the only time you respond lol. People get tired of that shit and having to yell constantly to get someone to do something makes people throw their hands up in frustration and give up until they summon their mettle again.
I expanded on it a little more in my first comment, but I appreciate the input.
Oof, sounds like a tough situation, man. Little guy has a lot of growing up to do, still. How long ago was his last psych test? 'cus I do the shutting myself up in my room. Shrink tells me it's because of my szpd. If he's got that, that would make his emotional situation a tad bit more understandable. It usually starts showing up after 11 years, and is expressed more often in males. There's little more to do with it other than CBT, if the patient thinks it ought to be fixed.
Speaking of CBT, might be something worth looking into. Haven't tried it myself, at least, not guided by a professional, but I've heard great things about it. Best of luck, man. Glad to hear you're trying your best to help the kid, too many ND kids go without.
Thanks. I'll look into the szpd stuff.
His weird humor and odd comments occasionally were less ADHD shutin and more quasi-narcissist based, but it's kinda typical for all teens so it's hard to judge. Might be related.
Mostly it was him speaking through memes and when he watches spooky shit he thinks it's funny to pretend to be schizophrenic or weird weird. Like dude, you have to speak up if that shit is real for you or getting to the point where it's actually blending with reality vs just being a joke lol.
He's honestly gotten Waaaaaaay better with joke timing after I had a long talk with him about it now though lol. His delivery when trying to be social was just... Shit. It was shit lol.
This so much. I was diagnosed at 6, put on meds, and expected to function. Things improved enough for my grades to go up but not enough to have basic social function. I was still miserable.
Honestly it didn't help that mom and dad are both very much stay in the house and play on the PC or watch tv types. Very little friends with kids his age. They also had TERRIBLE social skills themselves. So much of that stuff is taught by observation and when you don't have good role models to see how people are SUPPOSED to interact with friends or family, then you lose of lot of that innate ability.
I unfortunately got to my stepson what feels like YEARS after that tipping point where it was already ingrained into who he was which just makes it a constant uphill battle after unless you get lucky.
I got along just fine until college when I dropped out after the first year since I couldn’t coast by with great test skills and doing basic homework for high school…
Oh hell yeah. Honors student to failing out of my first year of college. Fuck. I went back years later, but that first time was a helluva wake up call.